How to Be Dead
by MelanieeeR
Summary: One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.
1. Chapter 1

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

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**_PART UN_**

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_Chapter One_

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Living was a battle. Any surgeon could tell you that. Everyday the justice of life and death was witnessed by surgeons. At first it was hard. Then it just simply became life. Sometimes it doesn't hurt, and sometimes it does. How we deal with the hurt when it comes is up to us. Typically there are 3 common ways to deal with it; run, sex or drink.

Losing a patient doesn't affect me like is used to. Nothing affects me anymore and I'm not quite sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

My mother would typically say it's a good thing. Surgeons had to be resilient otherwise they would crack.

Others would say that when it didn't hurt anymore it was a sign that you were too far gone, that you were no longer human.

It's not hard to pin point what happened to me.

I never expected to be in Boston, alone. I always pictured myself at Seattle and working at Seattle Grace, but as I know first hand, life never pans out the way you expect it to.

Surgeons never expect the best; that lesson had been drilled into my head since the day I was born. It's no longer about being optimistic or pessimistic, but about being prepared.

Well I guess you can't be prepared for some things.

Today had been bad, today was always bad. That had to be expected.

The phone rang as I sat with a shot of tequila in my hand and a pile of letters in my lap.

I didn't need caller ID anymore to figure out who called me. It was Cristina, Izzie or the hospital, and every time it rang I prayed it to be the hospital. The others was just too painful.

'Hi Cristina', I greeted my old and now distant friend.

'Mer,how are you doing?' she asked.

I didn't know how to tell her.

"He did it" I said simply, my voice wavering

"Who did what?"

"Derek, he did it, he signed"

"When?"

"Today" my voice cracked and I prayed that she didn't hear it.

I haven't cried for 3 years, 3 whole years and I wasn't going to let my defence down and start now.

"Oh Mer" came her voice small and quite.

The phone went quite for a second, I could hear a few hushed whispers and then the shuffle of a phone been passed to someone else

"Oh Mer, hunny, are you ok?" asked Izzie, her bright voice etched with sympathy.

I hated sympathy, it was one of the many reasons why I didn't tell everyone everything about me, they always offered their sympathy and it always sent me downwards

"What do I do, should I sign, I should sign. He is obviously over it, he's obviously moved on, I shouldn't be the one to hold him back" I started to ramble. I always found myself rambling around Izzie.

It was just something about her that made you trust her enough to spill your guts to her. Izzie loved it because she was after all one of the biggest gossips ever.

"Come back to Seattle" she demanded

I fell silent, like I always did when one of them mentioned going back to Seattle.

I could never go back to Seattle, even for something as big as ending my marriage.

I couldn't.

"I can't Izzie" I chocked out

"You have to Mer. It's been 3 years. This isn't healthy" she argued

"I'm fine Izzie. I'm working and…"

"And that's it. You work you ass off and then drink. It's not healthy"

"I don't drink" I argued, eyeing the shot of tequila in my hand

"Bullshit. What's the bet you have a shot in your hand right at the moment" She fought back

I quickly dropped the glass on the coffee table

"I can't go back to Seattle" I repeated, standing up

I started to pace. It's a habit I got of Derek. When he's nervous he paces.

"Why not? Give me one decent reason why you cannot come to Seattle" She said loudly

"Because it hurts! Ok. Are you happy? Are you pleased that you finally have it? It physically hurts for me to think about Seattle. To think about what it meant" I yelled into the phone.

Izzie went silent. Then I heard the hushed whispering again followed by a shuffle.

"It hurts?" Came Cristina's voice, professional as ever

"Yes it hurts" I said loudly.

Great now she was going to shrink me or give me a physical over the phone.

"Where does it hurt?" she asked, clearly not getting that I didn't want to share

"Cristina. Seriously!" I exclaimed

"What. How do you know that it's not cancer or a deadly disease?"

"Seriously!"

I could hear Izzie yell at her also in the background

"Mer, just come home. Even just for a day, or a couple. It is part of the grieving process. You'll feel better" Cristina said

"I highly doubt that you're the person to tell me how to grieve" I said coldly, not caring if I offended her

"Look I have to go" I told her, tired of this conversation.

"Ok. I'll talk to you later" she said dispassionately before hanging up.

I switched off the phone and threw it at the coach.

It landed on the brown envelope that held the divorce papers.

Once upon a time I begged him to sign a different set of divorce papers.

What if he had someone else, asking him to do the same?

Maybe I should go to Seattle.

Quickly making up my mind before I changed it again, I dialled Cristina's mobile.

Not waiting for her to speak I said point blank,

"Give me one day. I'll text you my flight details later" and hanged up.

The ache was back and it was growing bigger.

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**_Continue or not to continue that is the question... that you need to answer!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

**Author's Note:** _Thankyou so much for the positive response i got for this story... it's... wow... thats all i can say! To answer some of your questions:_

_This is not an AU; my other story 'Such Great Heights' is, but this one isn't... it's set in the future so roughly 8 years from where the show currently is... but you don't really have to worry about the time line that much._

_It is MerDer; i only write and read MerDer so it is a given_

_And no the reason why Derek has sign for a divorce is not because of some stupid reason. You'll eventually find out or even work out, the reason why later on._

_Thanks again for the wonderful reviews. I did recognise a lot of you from my other stories and I am honoured that you enjoy my writing. On another note for all fans of 'Such Great Heights' - the next update may take a while (i know the last one was a long wait than normal), it's just I'm redirecting the story so that it isn't like the show, as it is at the moment so just keep your eyes peeled for an update for that one._

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_Chapter Two_

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**There Meredith was sitting in her favourite seat, buried in a medical journal.**

**Today was the first day she had had off all week and it wasn't going to waste.**

**Not far from where Meredith was sitting was a little girl, around the age of 4 playing with a bunch of dolls.**

**Her chestnut curls were tied in pig tails and she was dressed in a blue that made her eyes seem like oceans.**

"**Mummy" she said, making her way towards Meredith**

"**Yeah" Meredith asked, looking up from her medical journal to face the little girl.**

"**When can I go outside?" she asked, mindlessly playing with the doll in her hands.**

**Meredith smiled at the scene.**

"**In a little while, when it's not as sunny outside" Meredith answered, putting down the journal to watch her daughter,**

"**But I like playing in the sun" she said, confused **

"**I know, but you don't want to get burnt do you?" Meredith said as the phone rang**

"**No" the girl answered, going back to her dolls as her mother walked out of the room to get the phone**

A stewardess poked Meredith in the side.

"Sorry Miss, but we have landed, you can get off the plane now" she said with a smile

"oh, ok… thanks" I said to her.

I watched her walked down the plane isle and wake up a few more passengers who had fallen asleep.

I was in Seattle.

I never thought, after what happened that I would be here again. I told myself that I would never allow myself to step foot in Seattle or any part of Washington State again but, here I am, sitting on a plane being told to get off.

I didn't want to go back to Seattle.

Maybe I could just sit here, and they'd let me catch the flight back to Boston?

"Excuse Me, Miss, are you alright?" asked another stewardess in a thick southern accent.

"No… I'm fine. I'm just wondering… would it be alright if I just sat here and you know… took the return flight back to Boston. Coming here was a mistake and I really…"

"Oh darl, I'm sorry but if you want to catch a flight back to Boston you'll need to get off the plane and book a ticket" she said, her tone sounding slightly used to this kind of situation

"Can't I just stay here and then get them to charge me when we land?" I asked her, desperate. Coming here was a mistake.

"I'm sorry but this flight is booked and besides the next stop for this plane is Vancouver" she replied

"Now if you want I can help you with your bags and we can go down and book you a flight back to Boston right now" she said, talking to me like I was a stubborn three year old who was scared of the dark

"No" I said in a false cheerful voice that matched my smile

"I'm ok, I can do it by myself" I told her as I undid my seat beat and stood up

"Well ok then. The exit is just in fount of you" she said before walking away to start giggling with another stewardess with the same big blonde curls as her self

Cursing to myself I pulled my bag down from the above compartment and unboarded the plane.

The terminal was full of cold air as I walked out pulling the bag with me.

Unexpectedly choruses of "Mer", "You're actually here", "Welcome Home" filled the air and 2 figures started the squeeze the life out of me

"Wow, guys, you're all here" I said, surprised and shocked because indeed they were all here.

Cristina, Izzie, Alex, and George were standing there as if the past 3 years hadn't happened at all.

"We of course we are Grey. Did you seriously think that you'd get away that easy?" Alex said, giving me a bear hug.

God I forgot how good if felt to be physically hugged again

I laughed lightly as Alex let go and George gave me a soft one armed hug.

"Welcome home Mer" he whispered in my ear and giving me a small smile

"Come on, we want to get out of here before we freeze our asses off and the dinner's cold" yelled Cristina abruptly

The ride to my mother's place was uncomfortable, for me a least.

They all filled me in on what had happened at Seattle Grace while I had been gone. The gaping ache in my chest seemed to be growing with every story they had to share.

Addison and Mark Sloan had finally tied the knot and where both still heads of their department.

Nurse Olivia had married, gotten divorced and married again over the past 4 years and it seemed the new interns were crazier than we ever were.

But I didn't really pay attention; honestly I was too preoccupied with watching the all too familiar shapes and blurs outside the car window. I really was back in Seattle.

I kept my face glued to the window has a tear slowly trickled down my cheek.

Luckily not one of them seemed to notice.

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**_So Mer's back in Seattle... i wonder why she was so anixous about it? _**

**_Review to find out... also if you do it within the next 20 seconds you'll receive a free hug from Patrick Dempsey (God, if only it were so!)_**

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	3. Chapter 3

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Three_

* * *

Dinner went on eerily similar to the car ride, the only noticeably difference was the Burke (or Preston as he said) and Callie were there with their homemade dinner and a handful of children had keep all of the adults on their toes. 

I had never actually been around children for 3 years, for the very reason that they scared me now unlike they used it. George had seemed apologetic about it, noticing my visible distress but Callie had waved it off saying that I was over it.

People are wrong when they say their over things. Really there are some things in this world that you never get over.

Normally I would have gotten the shits over this but I quite frankly was tired… of everything.

So I just let it slip and gave Callie a tight smile and George an at least half reassuring smile. The only thing that would seal the deal though was letting one of the offspring tackle me around the legs in a sort of hug.

It was nothing like the one I had received from Alex, there was no warmness, no sense of comfort. It was full of innocence and a kind of child like purity.

I suddenly felt physically sick to the stomach.

Excusing myself I made my way to the up stairs bathroom.

Not the one that Derek and I had shared in the early stage of our marriage, but the common, dirty one that held no memories.

I emptied my stomach several times.

The burn in my throat felt nothing compared to my chest.

If I wasn't a doctor and hadn't lost everything innocent and creative about me I would have told you I could feel my heart breaking.

But I was a doctor and every once of innocence and such had long left me, so the pain I was feeling was an ache, a big, deep, constant ache.

"Are you ok" Cristina asked, appearing at the doorway of my room.

After all of my stomach had successful bowed down to the porcelain god I had collapsed in my old bed, not ready to make nice again.

"I'm fine" I muttered, my eyes closed stopping any kind of weakness

"No you're not and you can stop telling everyone because we all know the truth" She said, sitting down on the bed

"You'll feel better if you would just come down stairs and try to be happy" She continued

I laughed bitterly

"Try? Don't you think I have been doing that the whole time? Believe it or not but I think I'm a little too deep for any of that" I told her, keeping my eyes closed

"Just because Derek filed for divorce doesn't mean it's the end of the world" Cristina patronised

I bolt up

"You think I'm like this because my husband whom I haven't spoken to in 3 years wants a divorce. Seriously Cristina! I think that fact that I got them on the day that I did is more of a bullet wound than anything" I snarled at her

"When did you get them?" she asked softly

"That day"

"Seriously, that moron sent you divorce papers on that day!" she exclaimed outraged

"I doesn't matter. I'll deal with this and then go back…"

"To what? Working until your boss sends you home and then drinking the night away. There are better ways to deal with it than that" she said, cutting me off

"Don't you think I know that! But unlike you I have no one who depends on me. There's no one left for me to do the right thing so that I can look after them. I have no purpose. If you were in my position you would be doing the same"

"No I wouldn't, because you would stop me. You would have made everyone help to get me out of it. So that's what's I'm doing with you"

"You're not serious are you?" I asked her in disbelief, she was trying to help now? Maybe I could have made it 3 years ago but now, it's too late.

"Yeah. I am serious. Now tomorrow, you are going to go to see Derek and sort this crap out!"

I snorted at how simple she made it seem. If only she had any idea

"When I talk to you tomorrow you are going to know if your getting divorced or not and you are going to tell me that you start at Seattle Grace within the week" she demanded, sounding more like Bailey than Cristina

"I am not moving back to Seattle" I said, jumping out of the bed

"Yeah, you are" she said

"You can't make me!"

"Yeah, I can" She yelled, hands on hips and hair as wild as ever

"You have no idea Cristina. What it's like to just live. To wake up every morning. To know that I could be having that life. That I took it away. You have no idea. So don't stand there and patronise me. You don't have that right. I'm dealing with this the best way I know how. The only way I know how. So just shut up!" I told her, my voice dangerously low

Cristina looked lost for a while; she just stared at my face blankly, eyes shining from the hallway light

It seemed surreal as she reached out and wrapped her arms around me, giving me a hug for the first time in a long time.

Tears prickled at the surface of my eyes again

"You know that this constitutes as hugging?" I asked her, my voice cracking

"Shut up" her voice muffled as she rested her head on my shoulder.

All of as sudden my body started to spasm, as alien sobs shuddered like tsunamis through my body and my eyes leaked like an open tap.

That was the first night in 3 years that I cried my self to sleep.

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**_You're all winners of a hug from the one and only Patrick Dempsey... act now and review to get your free McSteamy sundae, complete with a red cherry on top!_**


	4. Chapter 4

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any new characters and this storyline all belong to me.

**AN: _The bold text is a flashback and that counts throughout this entire story._**

**_This chapter is dedicated to the legend Billy Bob Thrope, who died this morning. May his music continue to play forever more and may he rest in peace._**

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_Chapter Four_

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I woke up that morning with a pounding headache and tired eyes. It was worse than a hangover and it also didn't help that Cristina was actually serious about me seeing Derek and hell bent on getting me to move back to Seattle. It seemed that she had also recruited everyone to help the cause (being me) and every 5 minutes I had been bombarded with a sympathetic glance or kind gesture. No one of course asked where I had disappeared to last night and I had the sneaky suspicion that they didn't need to with thanks from Cristina and her potentially big mouth.

I needed to get out that house and fast. I was suffocating in toxic niceness and I had pictured a much pleasanter way to die.

After informing Cristina (who appeared to have moved in over night) that I was going out, she promptly handed me her car keys and my divorce papers, without any words, only with her trademark Cristina look

Huffing darkly I grabbed both items and got out of the house, only to realise once I was at the wheel of her car that I had no where to go.

I wasn't going to go to Joes just yet. Seattle Grace was out of the question. The nursing home had long lost any connection to me when my mother died years ago and there was no where else in Seattle where I knew I could go.

Except Derek's.

I wasn't thinking when I pulled into the old familiar route that leads to his land.

It wasn't long before the woods that belonged to Derek pulled into view, and a white picket house, 2 stories high also made an appearance…

**Shrill giggles erupted into the air as the little girl ran against the wind with the dog right on her heels.**

**The giggles got loader as the dog finally won their race and the girl was pinned to the ground, the dogs rough tongue excitedly ran across her face, making her laugh and act grossed out at the same time**

"**Stop, stop" she screamed playfully as the dog finally lost interest and run off to chase some rabbit that had appeared out of nowhere**

**Sitting up in the grass, the girl looked cheerfully back at the house, to watch her mother though the kitchen window**

**She caught her mothers look and gave her a wave before chasing after the dog.**

**Her mother stood at the kitchen window, watching the girl from a distance while conversing on the phone at the same time.**

"**I can't come in today, I'm watching Maddie" Meredith exclaimed into the phone, watching her daughter tackle the dog**

"**yeah I know the ER's overflowing, I know, but this is spending time with my daughter, something that I haven't done in the past 2 weeks" she huffed, rolling her eyes at the density of this nurse's skull**

"**No I can't ask Dr Shepard to watch her, he's on call. Go ask him to do your consult" Meredith suggested, turning her back to the window, and leaning her lower back against the table top…**

The weight on my shoulders kept me pinned to the car seat and another wave of overwhelming grief hit me.

It was impossible for me to go anywhere here without memories haunting me, screaming at me, reminding me what I had done.

I'm ashamed that I'm sitting in my car sulking, I wasn't the victim in all of this, what right do I have?

My right hand started to twist the watch resting on my left hand nervously, the mundane fog of the memory hanging over me like a think woollen blanket in winter.

I shouldn't be here

I had no right. I hadn't only screwed up my own life but his to.

If he wanted a divorce, a deep breath shuttered it's way out of my chest as the thought crossed my mind, he was going to get a divorce.

Unsure I opened the car door trying to push the string of memories away with my jaw clenched. This was the right thing to do.

Nothing had changed in 3 years.

The house was still painted white, the wooden wrap around porch still adorned a hammock and outdoor chairs, the garden had the same flowers, the same bushes, the same trees; even the pebble path was the same.

I didn't park in the driveway; that's something you would do if you lived here and I didn't, but if I had I knew I would find the same dark BMW in the far left of the garage.

Nothing had changed, even though I had changed.

Had Derek changed?

Was he as bitter and cold as I was, or did he simply hide his pain like always and move on with his chin in the air?

Well I was about to find out.

Sweat ran down the back of my neck as I walked onto the porch I used to call my own and rang the doorbell that I had picked many years ago.

I stood, clutching the divorce papers in my hands as I waited for the door to open.

It opened and my green-grey eyes met his blue as ever eyes and I felt all nervousness fall away.

Instead it was replaced with something I little more secure and foreign.

He looked the same.

"How could you?" I asked him, voice cracking as it shouldn't.

I watched his startled face, frown slightly, and I knew that there was no going back.

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**Apparently the McSteamy sundae isn't as tasty as i thought... how about a McDreamy dream in return for a review? **_(God that is so corny!)_


	5. Chapter 5

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any new characters and this storyline all belong to me.

_

* * *

Chapter Five_

* * *

"How could you?" I repeated, angrier this time. 

The fool stood there, staring at me through the fly screen of what used to be our fount door, making me feel like an idiot because I was just standing there repeating myself like a broken record.

He opened the door like a stunned mullet, stood back and motioned for me to come inside.

I walked, or more like stormed in and he closed the door behind me, the same confused/shocked Derek look on his face. If I wasn't angry and upset I wouldn't thought it adorable.

"I'm sorry, but what have I done?" He asked slowly, looking at my pointing finger

"You're freaking kidding me right?!" I told him, shoving the divorce papers in his hands

He took the papers without looking, a frown gracing his face and he watched me pace back and forth.

"There divorce papers, Meredith! I would have thought you of all people would know that" he said, slight distaste present in his voice

"Oh" I said, laughing sarcastically at him

"Don't give yourself an ego trip, you might hurt yourself. Of course I know there divorce papers" I told him, looking at him with scrutinizing eyes

"But for God's sake, you could have waited a week, couldn't you?" I told him.

Confusion flashed over his face as he looked at the yellow envelope that held the papers.

His face paled slightly as he realised what was wrong.

"Yeah. Sick sense of humour you got there" I told him, pissed at him and his perfect hair.

I continued to pace in a straight line as he started to stutter

"I'm sorry… I honestly didn't realise" He said softly, not looking at me directly but instead at the papers in his hands, his thumb flicking the edge up and down.

I huffed sarcastically, stopping my pacing. For the first time since I stepped back into this house I was at a loss of what to do or say next.

Derek didn't know either. He stood there, looking at the paper envelope hard as if it would tell him what to do next.

"You have no idea how offending that it. To get divorce papers on the same day…"

"Don't start with that crap Meredith. Don't you dare" he told her, eyes flashing with anger

"Her anniversary, Derek"

"What are you doing back in Seattle? What they don't have a postal service where you live"

"Her anniversary!"

"You have no right to come to my home and start yelling at me about this"

"Right, I should have just signed, sent it back in the mail like it was a postcard from a distant relative" I told him sarcastically, knowing I was driving him crazy

"Something like that"

"Well at least you know how to do that this time around eh!" I shot at him, not meaning is bring Addison and whole other plane of baggage into the air

"Oh that's nice Meredith, real nice" he told her, not able to look at me any longer.

The yelling stopped and silence erupted from the house. I suddenly knew what was different

"Where's the dog?" I asked him after a few minutes of tense silence had past

"Ran off, barely a month after you did" I told me, hands running through his now greying hair

"He ran off" I repeated dumbstruck

"Yeah"

I bit my tongue harshly, not liking the silence. We never used to have silence like this before it happened. In the end we kind of just stopped talking. No arguing no whispering no anything. It was like the other didn't exist anymore.

Somewhere along the way we lost each other, we didn't grow apart; I fell apart; tore at the seams and apparently so did he.

He looked different; older, tired. The twinkle in his eye was gone, soft dimples in his cheeks were now non existent. Did I do this to him?

Did my actions really have this much of an effect on him? The room was now too small and my eyes were hurting again; aching with another set of tears that were pricking the surface of my eyes.

I couldn't stand here any longer; especially with Derek right there, looking the way he did.

"I should go, I shouldn't have barged in here like this" I whispered, having trouble finding my voice

Only half focused, I reached for my bag when his hand grabbed my shoulder.

"No, stay" was all he said.

I wasn't conscious of what he was saying though. His hand was on my shoulder. My mind was fuzzy and the heat radiating from him was spreading through me like wildfire, making my tingle all over.

I was planted to the spot, envisioning his lips inches away from my neck.

"After all technically this is your house to" he told me, dropping his hand and walking off to the living room.

I took his actions as an invitation to follow him, and I found my self doing that exact thing.

The numbness of my body was still present; the fog in my mind slightly clearer as I walked into what once was my living room.

I never pictured myself as one of those people who took pride in their house, or a particular room and I still wasn't. I love this house. It took 2 years of planning by Derek and I and roughly another year to build. It truly was my dream home, and the living room was my favourite room. It was always full of light and had a magnificent view of the lake. In the mornings we were close enough to watch the fog rise and at night it always portrayed a mirror image of the moon. It was magically, and I wasn't one to believe in magic.

During that period of my life I was happy. Of course my mother did died during those years but in a way, getting married, building a house with the man I loved and having a baby with him out weighed that negative. Everything was perfect.

Was

Derek wasn't in the living room when I walked in and I could only guess that he had walked straight into the kitchen, which had an equally breath taking view of the lake and yard.

I stepped into the kitchen and felt the numbness take a hold of me. Suddenly it was the day that ended all of this.

The day we lost Maddie… because of me.

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**_Ok, everyone who reviews gets a warm, long shower with BOTH McDreamy and McSteamy, review within the next 5 minutes and you can either have Evil Spawn join or keep the shower... it's your choice!_**

**_BTW, the shower comes with very good pressure and it has one of those shower heads that doesn't waste water... fan and environmentally friendly... what more could you want?_**


	6. Chapter 6

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any new characters and this storyline all belong to me. Lyrics used in this chapter are from 'Amsterdam' by Coldplay.

* * *

_Chapter Six_

* * *

Previously: 

"_**I can't come in today, I'm watching Maddie" Meredith exclaimed into the phone, watching her daughter tackle the dog**_

"_**yeah I know the ER's overflowing, I know, but this is spending time with my daughter, something that I haven't done in the past 2 weeks" she huffed, rolling her eyes at the density of this nurse's skull**_

"_**No I can't ask Dr Shepard to watch her, he's on call. Go ask him to do your consult" Meredith suggested, turning her back to the window, and leaning her lower back against the table top…**_

**This stupid nurse had no idea did she? If I couldn't take the consult, why didn't she just page Derek or the handful of neurosurgeons that worked at Seattle Grace?**

**I was watching Maddie, and I refused to put into day care just because some nurse couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and page someone else.**

_**But time is on your side**_

**I felt myself shiver slightly for some reason. At first I shrugged it off. Still arguing with the nurse.**

"**Look, I'm sorry. But I can't" I said flatly before ending the call, not really caring to hear her retort.**

_**Its on your side now**_

**I shivered again as I noticed that everything was silent. **

**This house was never silent. **

_**Not pushing you down and all around**_

**I turned to look out the kitchen window, expecting to see my daughter playing with our dog.**

**But she wasn't. **

_**It's no cause for concern**_

**Dread started to creep inside of me as I started to scream her name. **

**The back door was flung open and I stumbled down the stairs feeling my ankle twist uncomfortably.**

_**Come on, oh my star is fading**_

**But that didn't matter.**

**I could feel myself run, screaming out her name, panting with painful breaths.**

_**And I see no chance of release**_

"**Maddie, come on hunny this isn't funny. Come here to mummy sweetheart" I yelled, running towards to small clutter of tress and bushes that she liked to climb and play hide and seek in.**

"**Maddie, Mummy's getting angry" I yelled with desperation as I couldn't find her.**

_**And I know I'm dead on the surface**_

**I needed to find her.**

**Blood was thumping in my ear and my throat was in my mouth as I pulled the garage apart and lifted up every plant that was in the backyard.**

_**But I am screaming underneath**_

**I was hyperventilating when I noticed the dog.**

**He was barking and throwing himself in the air.**

_**You came along and you cut me loose**_

**I ran up to him, feeling my self lose it even more.**

**The dog whimpered as I got closer, scratching at the wooden pail door, that was slightly ajar.**

_**You came along and you cut me loose**_

**The door broke as I pushed it open with such force that it slammed into the brick wall it was connected to.**

"**Maddie" I screaming, throat raw with pain**

_**You came along and you cut me loose**_

"**Madeline Shepard, get out here now" **

**My whole body was shaking, and abruptly everything was a massive, dull blur.**

_**You came along and you cut me loose**_

* * *

_Ok from the request of Nia - who appears to be a fellow aussie and is currently melting from heat is Adelaide- the shower was too hot so the McDreamy sundaes are back with a free ferry ride with any male of your choice._

_I know it's not a catchy as some of my other ones but it's Saturday morning... and it's hot in Sydney and yeah i have to play Softball in an hour so I'm little off my game..._

_Keep the review coming... please!_


	7. Chapter 7

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any new characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Seven_

* * *

We hadn't said word to each other. Just like we did after a bad day of those years ago, the two of us sat side by side on the deck, drinking beer, absolutely lost in our thoughts.

That was of course before our 4 year old daughter had disappeared and everything we had had fallen into a thousand pieces.

"I don't want to divorce you Mer" Derek whispered, breaking the silence

"But I need to. I need the hurt to stop" he continued as I felt colder.

He was in pain. It was obvious to anyone and everyone. But more importantly he was in pain because of me.

I think that hurts more

"And getting a divorce is going to cure that?" I asked him softly, not really wanting to hear the answer

"Yeah" he whispered in the only way Derek knew how.

That was always one of the things I loved about him. Whenever he talked about something fragile, forbidden or devastating he would lower his voice to a whisper. As if it would halve the pain and ease the suffering. Strangely enough it normally worked to a certain degree, on everyone but me.

When I came to pain things between the two of us, nothing would ease the pain.

"Writing me out of your life wont stop the pain" In all honesty I felt better today than I had for the past 3 years, in the place I had been avoiding, by the man I had been scared of seeing.

I wasn't going to let that or him go without a fight… or at least a shot at convincing him and even myself otherwise.

"That means a lot coming from you" he shot back, no longer whispering.

He got up from the step and stood on the porch. I could no longer feel him and I didn't want to look at him.

"What's that suppose to mean?" I asked him gently, even though I knew the answer. I was being a hypocrite, but if anything I didn't want him to waste 3 years of his life doing what I had been doing. Even if I never saw him again I wasn't going to let him make the mistake that I had made.

"It means you're being a hypocrite. You ran when things got hard and that's it for 3 whole years. You're not the only one who lost a child here. I know you think you are but you're not. That day I lost not only my daughter but also my wife, my dog and my life" He yelled, walking down to the stairs in fount of me so that I was looking at him.

I moved my head to the side; I would lose it if I looked into his eyes.

"I know that"

"Well then why didn't you stay? How come you were the only one not to cry at your daughter memorial service when every single person in the room were crying? Why did you think it would be ok for you to go to Boston and to leave me here, alone?" He asked me, forcing me to look at him with his hand.

Hot tears leaked into my eyes as I slapped his hand away and rushed down the stairs at a pace that was halfway between a walk and a run.

"Why" he screamed after to me

"You want to know why?" I asked him, as he grabbed my arm and spun me around so that my chest was touching his.

"Why" he repeated, the dull, fiery twinkle appearing back in his eyes

"Because you look just like her" I screamed, voice cracking

"You look so much like our daughter that I lost. So much like the daughter we dug a grave for, even though a body was never found; or evidence to prove that she was actually dead"

His grab on my loosened slightly as I collapsed into a mes of tears and shouting.

I was jerking in his grasp, wanting so much to leave his arms and to just run. To run until the pain was so unbearable, until I felt alive with pain.

I wanted to feel something besides this emptiness that was corrupting me, and him to, I wanted to feel him.

I didn't mean to screw up our life; I didn't want to screw up our life.

I just want all this pain inside of me die.

Somewhere in my freak out Derek had picked me up and sat down with me in his lap.

I felt the warm touch of his forehead as he placed it against mine. His tears mixed with my tears and our sobs became one.

It was then I realised where we had gone wrong, what we had done wrong.

We weren't there when the other needed each other. To any blind fool it would be obvious. But it took me 3 long years of tequila shots and one afternoon of shouting and crying in the muddy rain to realise.

Soon the tears stopped and we just sat there lost in thoughts. I was still sitting in Derek's lap and his hand was gently running up and down my spine, sending warm tingles throughout my body.

It felt good; it felt _right._

"It was my fault… what else could I do"

He stopped rubbing my back at my words and looked up at me.

"You could have stayed and we could have worked it out, together" was his replied.

His eyes didn't leave mine.

"I haven't felt like myself in years. It's like I'm walking in slow motion and everything around me…"

"Is in fast forward and you're just stuck and you don't know who you are anymore or what you should do" he finished for me.

I gave him a small smile.

* * *

**_It's hot!!!!!!!! Summer ended 3 days ago and it's HOT! Like red face... burnt to a crisp, dehydrating hot... 10 bucks says it rains tomorrow... but anyway you guys don't care about the weather..._**

**_Sometimes a Fantasy is on tonight so i celebration of Mer's threesome dream... all the Grey's guys and girls are free... who would you pick?_**

**_and no Finn's allowed... in my mind thats a black dot wanting Mer's attention... i hate black dots._**

**_Happy reading!_**


	8. Chapter 8

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any new characters and this storyline all belong to me. Lyrics used in this chapter are from 'Run' by Snow Patrol

* * *

_Chapter Eight_

* * *

I moved out of Derek's grasp, slightly unnerved at the turn of conversation.

He continued to sit at the bottom of the tree truck for a while, before he got a look on his face. He jumped up, and asked me to follow him.

"Why?" I asked him, still a little unsure

"Come on" was his only reply as he grabbed my hand and pulled me after him.

We took off for a walk, continuing across his land (our land). It took me awhile to figure out where he was taking me.

It was when the long grass stopped being so long that I knew where we was going

"Derek, don't" I pleaded with him, instantly regretting ever coming back to Seattle.

The calmness and solace was gone and instantly replaced with something more terrified and damaged.

"**Here today we all gather to pay respects to the young and fruitful life of Madeline Jane Shepard" the paster said to the crowd, who were all gather in black, huddled under umbrellas, but not really caring about getting wet from the rain.**

_**I'll sing it one last time for you, then we really have to go**_

"**She was truly an angel sent from god. Maddie always brightened up the lives of those around her. She was the apple in her mother and father's lives" he continued to drabble on.**

_**You've been the only thing that's right, in all I've done**_

**But Meredith wasn't really listening. Her face was presently glued to the floor, unlike her husband who was soaking up every word from the paster, tears streaming down his face like a water fall. **

_**Light up, light up**_

"**It is now that we say our final goodbye. May she eternally rest in our hearts and watch over us and guide us throughout our lives. Please join the precession to Maddie's final resting place"**

_**As if you have a choice**_

**Derek turned to look at his wife. He slightly nudged her and grabbed her hand. Meredith looked up and ran. Derek simply let go of her hand.**

**Meredith continued to run away from the crowed, into the soaking rain and away from the pain.**

_**Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear**_

"You don't have any right" I told him half angry, half scared

"You need to Mer" was all that he offered as we reached our destination

I stubbornly turned my head out towards to the path we had just come from, refusing to even acknowledge where we were.

"Meredith" he told me sternly.

My head was tense as I turned around and faced the one thing I could never.

"You need to do this Mer" he said, encouraging me.

Derek had brought me to the headstone dedicated to Maddie, 3 months after her disappearance.

Apparently it's healthy for parents who have had children go missing to hold a fake funeral service and place a fake headstone something 'important' so that they can move on. I didn't want it; I wasn't going to believe that my baby was dead until I saw her body.

I told Derek this once and he had instantly crammed up and snapped that no one who hope to see their child's dead body.

I had never seen her gravestone… I never wanted too.

It was wrong, twisted even. Parents aren't suppose to burry their children, children aren't supposed to have gravestones.

The cold grey stone was surrounded by pink roses, just like the ones at the fount of the house. She loved to cut them with me. Granted I don't have a green thumb but the two of us didn't lack the enthusiasm needed.

"You come here often" I asked Derek, noting the garden chair close to the roses, and the pruned bushes.

"Yeah, it helps, when I'm missing her… or you" he said quietly, walking up behind me, so that I could feel his body against mine.

I nodded my head numbly, staring at the letters of her name and birth date.

"There's no date of death"

"I couldn't. She never actually had one"

"It's been 3 years"

"Yeah it has been"

"Where do we go from here?" I asked out of the blue.

I didn't know where it had come from. Maybe I was just slowly losing it.

"It's been 3 years since we've spoken to each other, 3 years since we've touched each other" he stated slowly, thinking it out.

I bit my lip, hard.

"There's really only two ways we can go. We can get divorced. Or you could move back to Seattle and we could try this thing again"

"Move back to Seattle?" I never thought about it. Sure Cristina had told me that ever since I had gotten back but hearing it from Derek? He made it sound different, like I would be moving towards something, instead of just backwards.

Could I move back to Seattle?

"Do you really in this moment want a divorce, or do you think that even after I lost our daughter that you could still love me like you used to?"

"Mer" he said broken,

"I never blamed you, not for one second. I blamed myself. I never have stopped blaming myself for what happened. And I never, not for one second stopped loving you. I could never stop loving you" He told me, gently taking my hands into his.

Leaning up on the tips of my toes I gently kissed him.

And it felt like home.

* * *

**_The song used... Run? by Snow Patrol... I was crying when i saw them play it live (alas 2 weeks ago) it's the best song ever... real early chasing cars kind of feeling... i love it._**

**_I am in Australia... Sydney to be exact and yeah it's Autumn but it's Australia... summer doesn't end until frost appears and thats mid May - June (my birthday) in winter so yeah I'm still getting sun tans and omfg... that storm last night! the roof was shaking! But thats enough about the weather!_**

**_There's only 2 more chapters left... 2 ... i know thats depressing and a few of you mentioned that yes there daughter is only missing and has been for 3 years. If you want i can continue this through a sequel and yeah continue on that story line but otherwise... 2 chapters left. And we made over 100 reviews!!!_**

**_Thats awesome... give yourselves a pat on the back!_**

**_And last chapters give away... mcdreamy is a definate... the other two? they can join... i don't mind..._**

**_lol... review!_**


	9. Chapter 9

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** One day everything is perfect, the next everything comes crashing down. Years later they are skeletons of the people they used to be. The only one who can save them is each other… problem is they haven't since spoken since it happened.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any new characters and this storyline all belong to me. The lyrics used in this chapter are 'I Don't Want to Miss A Thing' by Aerosmith

* * *

_Chapter Nine_

* * *

"**Mummy!" the little girl screamed from the mess of Christmas paper littered on the floor**

_**Dont want to close my eyes, I dont want to fall asleep**_

"**Mummy, mummy, mummy! Look what Santa gave me!" she shrieked, thrusting the box into her mother's face**

"**Wow, baby, a Barbie! Aren't you a lucky girl" Meredith exclaimed, overacting her actions for her daughters delight**

_**Cause Id miss you baby and I dont want to miss a thing**_

"**Ah ha, and it's the one I wanted too!" Maddie continued, looking at the doll through the plastic film of the box**

"**What have you got there sugarplum?" asked Derek, as he handed Meredith a streaming cup of coffee, and took a sip of his own**

_**Cause even when I dream of you the sweetest dream will never do**_

"**Santa gave me a Barbie!" she replied happily displaying it in the air for her father to see**

"**Wow! And she's got pink clothes too!"**

**_I'd still miss you baby and I dont want to miss a thing_**

"**Well of course she has pink clothes, Daddy, she's Barbie!" the little girl replied, before dropping the Barbie to the floor and moving towards the tree to get another present**

"**Yeah Daddy" Meredith teases Derek, laughing **

**Derek just smirked at his wife and kissed her lightly on the cheek and ticking her side with his free hand.**

Somehow we made it back to the house without talking about my decision. I knew Derek was going to have a seizure if I didn't tell him soon. The problem was that I didn't know what I wanted to do.

If I stayed here it meant I would have to move on. I don't think I could leave her behind; I don't want to leave her behind.

But I can't go back to Boston. I wasn't living. I was drowning.

Derek sat next to me on the porch, drinking another beer, and placing another into my hands.

I took a small sip of the bitter amber liquid and slightly cringed at the taste. I was never a big beer fan before I meet Derek. It was nothing close to the harshness of tequila but it still wasn't as sweet as wine.

"I don't know if I should move back here" I told him silently, giving into the voices in my head

"I was going to sell this place after you left. I didn't think I could live here with the constant reminder that I had lost both of you. But I just couldn't bring myself to. I tired, I honestly did. It's just that when I'm here, I feel her. It's almost like she's here with us, guiding us along"

I fell against him, wanting to feel the warmth of him, wanting to smell him.

His head, fell against mine, accepting the gesture.

"She loved this house and she wouldn't want us to move. But she also loved us and she wouldn't want her mother to stay sad forever. I don't want you to stay sad forever. Just because you're moving on doesn't mean your leaving her behind Mer"

I buried my head into his side at his words, afraid that I would get confused and come undone.

"She loves you Mer. Don't keep doing this to yourself"

"Do you really want to try again with me, in all seriousness" I asked him, pulling my head up and staring him straight in the eyes.

"I do" he said.

I looked into his eyes and saw the old Derek, my Derek and knew he wasn't lying.

I bit my lip and nodded.

"Ok, then. I'm moving back to Seattle"

* * *

**_It's the shortest chapter by far i know... short and sweet._**

**_Anyway... it's d-day and i have decided to continue with this story. There wont be a sequel but a time jump from this chapter to chapter 10. Chapter 10 was the last and it was one of my favourite chapters but I've been thinking where i can take this and the idea is slowly growing on me. 'Act 2' as I've nicknamed it will continue along with this semi-depressing theme and well i can't tell you a lot more because I haven written (or planned it out yet) but i am keeping with the realism and if you expecting a really bright and shiny happy ending? Stop reading here._**

**_But thats not to say that the first thing you read next update will be with Mer in AA and Derek drugged out of his mind, having his way with a slutty blonde. I don't work that way. I left it happy, it will start happy (as this story gets) and thats all I've got to say!_**

**_p.s to the loveable person who called me a barstard... YES I DID GO TO SNOW PATROL! but you were in Finland! that kind of rocks to!_**

**_p.p.s to my reader in Texas... winters like mid may - july... and summers like nov - march... the rest are just hot with cool breeze and a few off days. And i love summer to. It means no school. christmas, the best concerts and bbq's outside... _**

**_Here is a sundae for everyone who reviewed... you're all legends!_**


	10. Chapter 10

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** _MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

**_PART DEUX_**

* * *

_Chapter Ten_

* * *

_3 years later..._

Today was not a good day. It had started with the dog peeing on the bed, Meredith in a bad mood and an ER filled with drugged provoked morons who thought a bat to the head was fun. And the day had only started.

"What's this I hear of baseball bats and ecstasy?"

"Bunch of bored teenagers" I greeted Burke, giving him a shift nod before gliding my pen across the CT forms and handed them off to my intern.

"Adrian threaten Alice with the bat last night, maybe I should give them that field trip to the ER, they've always wanted" Burke mused, smiling at the thought of shocking his children into behaving.

The Burke children had definitely inherited their mother's temper. Stories of their antics always kept the nurses talking and Meredith entertained.

It was during those quiet nights when the house seemed so empty that the topic of children always leaked into our conversation; discipline, birthdays and all the things that should have happened but didn't, make those nights seem longer. But one thing was for certain, if my son had been caught with a scalpel at the age of 7, Burkes way of handling it would definitely not be the way I would've handled it.

"Shock value. Nice. I wouldn't be surprised if Cristina's already invaded the place with a Polaroid though. As a keepsake or for future reference" I told him with a slight smile

His only response was a chuckle as he walked off in the direction of the ER, in search for either a Polaroid or his wife.

"Howdy" came my wife's voice next to me

"Ah, I see that were in a better mood" I played with her, taking in her dark blue scrubs, and fly away hair that was the product of the lavender scrub cap in her hand.

She wrinkled her nose

"Who knew that surgery would do the trick?" she joked back, standing closer to me smiling.

"No coffee?"

Meredith didn't survive the day with coffee; it was her thing in the morning. She didn't function without it.

"Nah… didn't feel like it, but now I do" was her reply as yet another kid passed us in a wheelchair with a thick bandage over their arm.

"Idiots aren't they" I commented, noticing the change in her attention

"Yeah, it makes for interesting surgeries though. But I can't exactly say that to the boy whose skull was shattered beyond repair"

"You lost him?"

"Yeah" she replied with a soft breath

"His brain had taken too much of a beating, I had to let him go"

"It happens" I said, lacing my fingers through hers, earning a smile

"You are a dirty, dirty man Dr Shepard" she mocked, her smile turning into a grin that I knew was only reserved for me

"It's not my fault your minds always in the gutter" I teased back, running my finger up and down her hand sending tingles throughout her body

She raised her eyebrow and I knew what she was thinking

"I guess that's what I get for marrying you" she told me with a despairing huff and she turned away to grab another chart from the ER

"Come on!" I told her

"Oh keep it in your pants" she exclaimed in a whisper before attempting to walk away from me, forgetting that I still had her hand in mine

"Aren't you forgetting something?" I asked, tugging on her hand and bring her back to me

"Yes?"

"I'm disappointed, haven't I taught you anything?"

She sarcastically smiled as she planted a swift kiss on my lips. I let go of her hand and watched her walk off. A grin permanently planted on my face as my phone started to vibrate.

It was an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Dr Derek Shepard?"

"This is him, whose asking?"

"I'm Sergent Martin from the local police department. I need you and your wife, if possible to come down to our station. We have a situation"

A situation?

"What kind of situation?"

"I'm sorry sir, I can only tell you that when you arrive"

"**This is police. We need you to come out with your hands on your head" a speaker called out, directed at an old house in the middle of the forest.**

**There was no reply, and the police were getting restless**

"**Location is secure" one of the officers informed the captain, who stood protected behind a car with a portable radio in his hands.**

"**Are we all clear?" he spoke into the brick like black radio**

**Clear was the instant reply and it sent the men into motion.**

**Guns were raised as 2 officers walked up to the front door and pounded their fists against it.**

"**This is Police. Open up!"**

**There was no reply.**

**A looked was shared between the two officers, as the older one nodded his head, stood back and watched the younger cop kick down the door with a loud bam.**

**Dust was instantly thrown in all different directions, making the officers cough and eyes sting.**

**With guns raised they slowly walked into the house, watching and waiting for any signs of movement.**

"**Clear"**

**5 other officers rushed in through the now opened door, and the previously raised guns were lowered and relaxed slightly.**

"**I want a full search" their captain ordered making the officers break apart is pairs to search different locations of the house.**

**It wasn't long until they found her.**

**Long blonde hair covered in dirt, clear blue eyes filled with tears and innocent hands bound to together with a rope.**

**The little girl was a mess.**

"**You're ok. We've got you now"**

"**We've got her! She's out the back!"**

**A mixture of cops and paramedics filled the space around the officer who now had the little girl in his arms. **

"**She's in shock"**

"**Jeez, have a look at those bruises; he roughed her up pretty bad"**

"**Son of a bitch!"**

"**She's only 7!" **

"**Give her some room" The captain yelled over all of them**

"**The property's secure, the son of a bitch got away"**

"**We need to get her to the hospital" the paramedic yelled, trying her best to examine the girl who was still in the arms of the officer who had found her**

"**She's still in shock"**

"**Which hospital?"**

"**Mercy West is closest. Her parents need to be contacted too"**

"**All ready done" the captain grunted**

"**Captain, have a look at this" someone yelled from somewhere in the house.**

**The captain and a few officers hurried out of the room and down a flight of stairs that led to the basement.**

**There, they were greeted with piles of broken ropes, broken chairs, mouldy blankets and flee infested food that was days old.**

"**I don't think this is the first kid he has snatched" an officer comment.**

* * *

**_Dun dun dun... _**

**_Please note: Maddy would be 10 now, and the little girl is 7. And the new summery for the story. And thee change in POV's (from Mers to Ders)._**

**_So... why were Mer and Der called in? Well you have to review to find out don't ya! _**


	11. Chapter 11

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Eleven_

* * *

It had been 20 minutes since I had answered the call that had summoned both Meredith and I to the local police station.

All of this sitting, waiting was all too familiar and I was 100 percent sure that if this small room didn't occupy another human being I would have started pacing out of pure anxiety. Instead, I sat slouched in these chairs that were more uncomfortable than the hospital chairs and tapped my foot on the floor. The erratic movement was controlling my whole leg and caught the attention of the man sitting in the far corner.

"They haven't told you why you're here yet, haven't they?" he asked apologetically

"Nope, you?"

He bitterly laughed for a second and then stopped abruptly to consider his answer

"The only time I've been here is when my daughter went missing 3 years ago. I can only imagine it's got something to do with that" he responded, his voice strained and obviously in pain

"Well it appears that we have something common than" I told him sternly, placing my head in my hands, the anxiety getting the best of me

"You're daughter went missing?" He asked, perking up slightly

"6 years" My voice groaned under the pressure and my words came out more distorted and painful than I imagined possible

His head was stiff as he nodded in understanding

He knew just as well as I did that there were no words that could offer comfort. Nothing in the world offered comfort when you lost a child. It was unbearable and lonely.

"Is your wife here?" I asked him, wanting to know why he was facing this alone. At least I had Meredith, who was in the next room trying to find something to eat or drink. She was going stir crazy waiting so she had left 6 minutes ago in hope of some sort of food that would distract her.

"It was too much" he stuttered, not seeming at all afraid of the question.

"Divorce?"

"Suicide"

This shocked and repulsed me at the same time. It was like an ice cold hand at just gripped my heart and the rest of my body was turning cold from the lack of blood.

I could have easily been that man. If Meredith had… if she had never returned…

"1 year exactly after Marla disappeared. The note said she couldn't deal. I had lost my job, obsessed with finding her and bringing her back home safe. Somewhere we just…"

"Lost it" I finished for him, his broken eyes meeting mine semi-recovered ones.

"Did you and your wife?"

"We were separated for 3 years. She left one night and returned 3 years later. We've been working things out for the past 3" I told him quietly, not wanting to tell him that my marriage survived and his didn't.

Well technically his wife didn't survive, but then again, mine nearly didn't either.

"They only have machined generated coffee and tea. And we work in a hospital so I figured there wouldn't be a big difference" Mer's voice said from the doorway, as she walked in carrying a cardboard tray of hot drinks.

"Did you want anything?" she asked the man softly, noticing our conversation

"No, thanks" he answered weakly watching the two of us with a distant eye

I gave him a small smile as I took a sip of the drink

"This is tea" I told her confused

"That's because it's mine" I said, talking the cup out of my hand and replacing it with the coffee filled one

"You're drinking tea?" I asked her in disbelief

"You never drink tea"

"I had a coffee before we left and figured that well, another one wouldn't be a good idea" she answered, slightly adverting her eyes and taking a sip of the weaker caffeine.

I was going to start teasing her, when an officer dressed in a dark navy uniform stuck his head in the room and asked for a Mr Brewer

The man from the corner stood up weakly, and gave us a slightly nod before following the officer out of the room.

"Someone will be with you shortly" the officer told us before closing the door again.

"Why is he here?" Meredith asked, as we both watching Brewer sit down in an office close to us. All the walls were made out of glass, so you could see everything happening in the offices.

"He lost his daughter 3 years ago" I told her quietly.

She crammed up beside me. I felt for her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

The captain of the police force was now speaking to Brewster, who was laying his head on the table, tears streaming down his face.

I felt numb as I watched him and wondered if that was going to be me next.

It wouldn't take us long to find out. Another officer, an older one, was now urging us to follow him down the hall, and showed us into an examination room. The same one I had spent hours in 6 years ago, only a mere 2 hours after Maddie went missing.

That had been the worse 5 hours of my life; Meredith was hysterical, my baby girl was missing and well I, I felt incredibility cold. I guess it was just shock.

"Why are we here" I asked, as another cop joined his co worker and sat down at the table and across from us.

"We need you to look at some photos for us" was the only answer they gave us as they dropped 4 photos on the table.

Smiling faces of 4 little girls, around the ages of 4 to 7 looked back at me, 2 had dark hair and 2 with blonde and all of them had bright blue eyes.

"No, I haven't" I told the man, slumping against the chair and looking away from them.

Meredith hadn't answered yet and I doubted she had even looked at the photos.

"Mrs Grey – Shepard" the younger cop urged her.

I watched her squint her eyes and look at the man

"It's Dr Grey" She hissed at him.

I had to stop a chuckle from escaping from my lips.

No doctor liked to be called 'Mr' or 'Mrs', but Meredith was normally ok with the 'Mrs' followed by her extended last name of her mothers and my name. That was except when she came across someone that she didn't like. And this guy was exactly like the one who had interviewed her after Maddie's disappearance. To him she was Dr Grey or Dr Grey – Shepard, and she was going to let him know it.

"Dr Grey. Do you recognise any of these girls?" he asked her again calmly indicating to the 4 pictures on the table

She sent him another stubborn glare and dropped her eyes to scan each of the girl's faces.

Two of them had the same colour eyes, hair and were the same age as Maddie. There wasn't any question as to why we were here.

"No, why?" she asked coldly, pain gathering in her bluish grey eyes.

The younger cop picked up the 4 photos and placed another one down on the table.

I looked away, scared of what I might see

"What about this picture" The younger one asked.

"Why" Meredith persisted again, voice steady and eyes locked on the older cop, totally ignoring the younger one.

"Dr…"

"NO. Why are you showing us photos now? 6 years later!" she exclaimed, slightly on the verge of hysterics.

I looked at her again and placed my hand on her thigh in an attempt to calm her. It kept her seated in the chair but didn't change her mind about opposing him

"This morning we discovered a little girl, around the age of 7 in the house of her suspected kidnapper. In the basement we also found evidence of other girls he had previously kidnapped. We believe your daughter was taken by this serial kidnapper"

"What does that mean? Is she dead, is she alive…. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

Now Meredith was hysterical.

I had to look away. It hurt watching her get upset. It made me upset and I couldn't lose it at this moment. I had to be strong.

"Were not sure if it means that she's still alive, or if she is indeed dead but it does help us find her"

"You mean find her body don't you?" Meredith pressed again, she was no longer sitting. My hand had left her thigh and was now in my lap with my other hand, being twisted around and around.

"There is a possibility that your daughter could be alive. The girl we found today was 7 years old; she had been missing for 3 years. We were actually trying to relocate a 3yr old he had taken a yesterday"

Meredith whimpered miserably and fell back into the chair, in one motion she has buried her head in her hands, leaning on the table for support.

My hand should have been on her back, trying to calm her down, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

My baby girl could still be out there.

* * *

**_So some of you commented that i was making things to easy to work out, and some of you were confused..._**

**_the girl they found? It's Brewers and mer and der were called in becuase the police believe that the girl's kidnapper also took Maddie. _**

**_Do you guys understand now? _**

**_Thanks for the wonderful reviews_**


	12. Chapter 12

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Twelve_

* * *

Meredith was silent. Her face held no emotion and I was starting to get worried. I thought we had moved past this holding in emotions crap. I thought we had moved on.

The car was silent, with the sound of friction between the rubber tyres gluing themselves to the tar on the road the only thing preventing us from being in total silence.

This was bad. Never did I think that this would ever happen. Children that have been missing for 6 years don't just randomly turn up out of the blue, do they?

I mean, yeah I guess it can happen if you're a firm believe of Without A Trace and the rest of those fictional police dramas, but in real life. I can't. Can it?

That's the problem. Shouldn't I be embracing this? For years I've dreamt that Maddie would one day return, and it could happen. That's what happened to Brewer. But his daughter was missing for only 3 years, Maddie's been gone for double that. That's half the chance of her showing up.

And what if she does show up? How much is that going to change my life. Our life. And how badly scared will she be? Is she hurt, sick all because of that bastard.

Who the hell kidnaps for 4 yr olds?

Detective Carter took me aside and told me what guys like him do. I wish he didn't. I'm just glad that Mer doesn't know.

Meredith hasn't spoken.

"Mer, hunny are you ok?" I had asked her that 3 times now. And every time she had ignored me, too busy lost in her own world.

It was just like last time, except this time I wasn't going to lose her.

"Mer, come on, tell me" I urged her again, slowly dragging her out of her shell.

"We gave up" She said. I wasn't a question or an accusation, just a simple, unattached statement.

"We looked for 3 months, continuously. You remember that; day and night, waiting for the phone to ring with good news, joining the searches throughout the field near our place. You have to remember that" I told her gently, scared to bring up those memories

"He looked for 3 years Derek. 3 years. That doesn't compare to 3 months. We failed her. I failed her" she was miserable, her voice that was emotionless was now sagging with the weigh of emotion.

I had to choice but to pull over the car. Quietly I gathered her hands in mine and lightly kissed them.

"You did not fail her" I told her, high modality reeking from my words

"We did not fail her"

"That man didn't give up. And now he has his daughter back" her eyes were brimming with tears and they bore into mine that were also fighting back tears.

"He also lost his wife, job and life in the process"

"You're comparing our daughter to your career. She was our life Derek!" Meredith yelled, now getting frustrated. I kept her hands tightly secured in mine to prevent her from losing if even more

"But you Mer… if we had continued you… what if you went further than Boston? What if you did the exact same as his wife, and killed yourself after a year? Mer? That little girl is going to go through all these problems, and at the end of it discover that her mother killed herself and isn't there to help her now. Don't you think that would have a bigger effect on her, than us stopping and trying to move on?"

Tears dribbled down her chin as she began to shake. It was uncomfortable but somehow I got her in my arms and rocked her gently, my own tears leaking into her hair.

"I thought about it once, you know. I really sat down with a rope and knife in my hands and thought about it" She confessed minutes later, when her trembles had settled and the tears had stopped.

"Yeah me too. After you left, there was nothing left"

Silence prevailed with only a random whoosh of a car passing us.

"**There are at least 3 other girls, not including your daughter, that we can match to this guy. Only 2 girls have been found out of the 4, the girl we found this morning and the other one's body was found in the forest within 50km of his property where the second girl was found. Now I need you both to understand that we can't promise you a good outcome. We maybe lucky to just find her body…"**

**Meredith whimpered at those words.**

**The detectives were briefing them on the case. Maddy's case had been reopened and successfully linked to 3 other girls, who all went missing at the age of 4, they had been taken 3 years a part, and all matched the same description of blue eyes and brown hair.**

"**The girl you found this morning, was she… I mean is she…?" Derek stuttered**

"**Her medical examination shows that she has a few broken ribs, multiple bruises on her arm and is malnutrition but besides that…"**

"**Did he…?"**

"**We haven't got the results from the rape test yet" The older man told him quietly, instantly understanding Derek's unasked question**

"**I think it's best that the two of you go home, maybe get a family member or friend to stay with you and we will contact you in the morning with any new information that we have" The younger cop told the couple, gently taking in their tired expressions and dirty, uncomfortable clothing.**

"**You expect us to go home?" Meredith told them, rasing her voice slightly**

"**You've just sat here and told us that our daughter that you told us 6 years ago was gone, could now be alive. And you expect us to go home?" Her voice rising to a higher level again as her chair dropped to the floor with a loud bang**

"**Dr Grey, we know…"**

"**My ass you know how hard this is? Have you lost a kid? Have you buried a child before? No! Well until you have you are not allowed to stand there and try to empathise, because you can't. So just shut up and do your job properly this time" she screamed, face red with anger and temper short with tiredness. **

"**We didn't have the information…"**

"**I don't' care if you knew about this guy or not. My daughter was a casualty of your mistake. If I did that in my job, people would die. My daughter could be dead because of you!" **

"Do you think that she's still alive?" Meredith asked me

"I don't know"

"Would she remember us?"

"Maybe" I didn't have the energy to think about it anymore.

And that successfully ended conversation. Somehow I drove us back home in silence, a dull buzzing filling the air that was, merely twenty four hours ago, filled with laughter and jokes.

The air was cold, but it was an unusually warm night and Meredith was detached. She wasn'y going to talk to me anytime soon, and it didn't frazzle me, I didn't feel like talking either.

Quietly we both fell into bed. The sheets suffocated me as I laid there trying to understand what was going on. Soon sleep came, and with it dreams. Terrible dreams.

* * *

**_Let me just get this straight... they have Mer dying for 3 weeks, then make us wait another 2 weeks, and give us no merder. Cristina getting her ass grabbed was longer than Merder's interection for the whole episode. Granted Derek telling thatcher that she's worth the pain (what pain?)... but still! COME ON (copies Leyton Hewitt's hand gesture... pfft i hate him). I hope this was depressing and angsty enough for you all! Melxox._**

**_Review! For a chance of a really sweet, LONG MerDer scene in 2 (!) weeks! (I have contacts... and a youtube account and movie maker skills)_**


	13. Chapter 13

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Thirteen_

* * *

I was running.

There was an invisible knife in each of my sides but I was still running.

Pain raked at my chest as it rose up and down, making my breathing quick and short.

All I can hear is my feet abusing the ground and the blood pounding in my ears.

My heart is about to explode from my chest but I couldn't stop.

I was so close.

Maddie was standing right there, crying, screaming over and over again.

"Please, daddy, please".

Her beautiful brown curls were tangled and her cheeks were red from crying.

I needed to get to her, I needed to hug her and I needed to make her feel better.

I ran faster, white hot waves spreading throughout my knees, making me feel as though I was going to collapse, but I didn't care.

Maddie needed me.

"Please, daddy, please".

Her hand reached out and I threw mine out to meet hers.

She was closer; I was nearly there when I started to pull away.

I was running faster than I ever had ever in my life but she was slipping away, further and further away from me.

Her sobs were louder, her screaming unbearable….

"Derek, wake up," Meredith's voice and her insignificant hands shook me urgently as I slowly woke up.

"What happened?".

"You were having a bad dream," she answered me, grey eyes pouring into my mine as she looked at my concerned.

"Oh" was all that I could get out. I had been so close to her, I had nearly touched her, if only.

"What?" I asked Mer, noticing that she was still looking at me with the same look in her eyes.

"Are you alright?" She asked softly.

My eyebrows knitted together as I thought about it. My heart rate was slowly returning to normal but my hands were disgusting with sweat.

"I'm fine".

"Are you sure?" she pressed again, not believing me.

"Of course I'm sure, why?".

"Why what?".

"Why are you asking me?" I asked her frustrated that she wouldn't let it go.

"Umm I don't know. Because yesterday we were told that our daughter might not be dead and now you're having dreams about her" she told me, rambling slightly.

"It wasn't about her" I told her, getting out of the bed and walking into the bathroom.

The ruffle of the sheets alerted me that she had followed me.

"That's bull and you know it".

"No it's not" I forced the tap on as I rinsed my toothbrush under the water and dumped a pile of toothpaste on the brush head.

"You have to tell me these things. This is what happened last time. We have to be open and whatever".

The toothbrush was now in my mouth and it gave me an excuse to not answer her.

Water rinsed away the toothpaste and spit and I rushed out of the bathroom, ignoring Meredith who was leaning against the doorway.

"Derek!"

"I have an early surgery" it was the first excuse that had entered my head as I saw her standing in her pyjama's, with her hands on her hips.

She didn't answer as I grabbed a clean set of clothes from the wardrobe, dressed and made a clear exit out of the bedroom.

"We're talking about this later!".

"No we're not" I told her, as I ran down the stairs and out the door.

I could deal with hospital food today.

I had no choice but to go to the hospital at 4am after the lie I'd given to Meredith. She would know instantly that I was lying so I had no choice; it was either an early start or the couch for a week.

Luckily I did manage to steal a simple craniotomy from a 5th year resident and to assist on another basic surgery under my speciality; during the surgeries, every 15 minutes or so, I had to fight the urge to steal a glance at the gallery.

It wouldn't be typical for Meredith to have followed me to the hospital and to have taken up the art of stalking me to make sure I was ok. It had happened before and it had taken a handful of 'I'm fines' and a visit to an on call room to release her anxiety.

But she wasn't there. And I had looked over a hundred times to make sure I just hadn't missed her, but I was still greeted with the odd sleep deprived intern and the odd nurse.

I wasn't sure if she was just feeling as depressed as I was or was just exercising enough self control to attack me when I got home. Either way it wasn't good.

Then again maybe I was just reading too far into this, either way I was bound to run into her sometime during the day.

It was the actual beginning of my shift when I finally walked out of the scrub room of my second surgery. The board was clear of anything neurological so I was left was the growing pile of paperwork on my desk to tie me over until someone needed me.

A growl of my stomach reminded me that I hadn't eaten, so as a detour I made it to the cafeteria to grab a bagel and a somewhat hot cup of coffee.

That was when I saw the man from the police station, what was his name again? Brewer? It was something like that.

He looked shocked when I pulled out the chair next to him and sat down in it, dropping my cold bagel on the table that needed a desperate clean and filled my coffee with two teaspoons of sugar.

"You work here?" he asked me in disbelief, taking in my navy scrubs and white coat.

"Derek Shepard, Head of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace" I told him, taking a sip of the coffee and cringing as it burnt my tongue.

"Michael Brewster".

I nodded my head and sat back in the chair. Chatter wasn't appealing to me at the moment. If avoiding Meredith, my wife and best friend, wasn't enough to prove that then I was at a lost as to what would, but there was something that pulled me towards Michael.

"How is your daughter?" I asked him, trying to make light conversation that was all built on my thirst to know.

I was a surgeon, I was always had control, I always knew what was going on. If Maddie was actually alive, this man held all the secrets for what the next couple of months of my life would be like. He was in the world where his daughter had been safely returned to him, the world that I would come to know when Maddie was found. I had to be prepared.

"They moved her here from Mercy West. Something about better facilities… or something, it's all confusing, all of this medical talk. Not that you would have much trouble with that or anything" he said, trying to crack a joke in the midst of his sombre statement.

I smiled slightly, giving him the benefit of decent company.

"And your daughter?" he asked, directing the conversation away from him and into my troubled waters.

I let out a deep breath that I never knew I was holding in.

"Not yet. Their still looking".

He nodded his head and bit his lip as I lowered my head slightly, ashamed all of a sudden.

"Marla has Stockholm syndrome. They won't leave me alone in the same room as me because she doesn't know who I am".

My stomach dropped and I'm pretty sure that Seattle just dropped 50 degrees below the current temperature.

"It's crazy isn't it? This guy, this bastard who took her… she calls him dad. It's sick, and twisted. My wife is still her mum but me? I'm not her father anymore. That monster is, well in her eyes he is her father".

Michael's words were quiet but rushed, more panicked and I could tell that it was eating at him.

"Maybe it's a blessing that they haven't found her".

"Why? So that bastard can brain wash her longer," suddenly I didn't like this guy anymore.

"It offers more of a chance that she could be…. Well you know…. _dead._ Wouldn't that be easier on you and your wife… a child that didn't have to go through all of this?".

"If you insinuating that my daughter is better off dead than at home with me and my wife…".

I would have said something else but a hand on my shoulder prevented me from continuing.

"We have your daughter's lab results back" Burke told Michael, but his attention was placed on me.

"Right. I hope everything goes well with your daughter, Derek" Michael said before leaving me alone with Burke.

My jaw clenched as he mentioned Maddie and I kept my head down and eyes firmly planted on the ground.

"Daughter? Derek what is he talking about?".

Oh. Crap. I forgot about that.

No one else knows. Naturally it wouldn't be a stretch for Meredith to be on the phone in 2 seconds flat talking to Cristina, correction, rambling to Cristina.

Apparently she hasn't.

"The police have found some evidence" was all I offered Burke as I stalked off in the opposite direction.

I should have told him more, he is after all Maddie's godfather but really it's not any of his business.

It's my business.

* * *

_Stockholm syndrome is the psychological response of an abducted hostage. It is when they start to show loyal symptoms towards their hostage-taker regardless of the danger the hostage-taker has put them in. In many cases the victim prefers to stay with their hostage-taker. _

_**The more reviews i get the quicker the next chapter will be up, and to anwser your question...**_

**_no, i can't tell you if Maddie is alive or not. In my mind i know if she is alive or is dead and i can be presuaded if you really want her alive or really want her dead ( ( ! ) but telling you at the moment would kill all the suspense i have planned now wouldn't it. Cheers, Mel_**

**_Review! - i have the video made... it's not merder but whole show thing... can't be bothered putting it on youtube though P_**


	14. Chapter 14

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Fourteen _

* * *

7 days slowly past and we had heard nothing new from the police. A random phone call at the most inappropriate hour would only gives us the same 'following a new lead' crap or another 'you'll know something new, when we know it' bullshit that had created a large, black cloud over the house. Or more like its occupants; namely Meredith and I.

The same dream haunted me every night, and by Wednesday (4 nights ago) I had figured out that sleep wasn't important. Well normal voluntary sleep wasn't important. Paperwork was my new best friend and ultimate saving grace. It was the perfect excuse to dodge any deep and meaningful with Burke, Mark or Richard, provided me with satisfactory reasoning for early mornings and late nights and also granted a somewhat soft landing for my head with I finally collapsed from exhaustion.

Insomnia was a bitch but it limited the probability of dreaming. Only on one occasion I had to be prodded awake by a nurse, when the nightmare visited me, and that was on Thursday when my routine of 'working till I dropped' wasn't perfected.

It was now Saturday and somewhere between the blur and haze of this week I could only positively count the number of conversation I have had with Meredith on one hand.

Normally one hand would only be able to count the conversations and so forth until 7am that morning, by the end of the week it was useless and very painful to try and keep track of the number of conversations between the two of us.

Aside from the semi-fight about my dream, there had only been the casual "How was your day?" grunt, or a "You came home last again last night" statement which only really had the single syllable reply of 'yeah'.

Pathetic, I know. It was the vicious circle that we had fallen into when Maddie disappeared; and it had only taken me a week to look outside my little bubble and discover it.

Apparently it was obvious to everyone else though. And even though none of them thought to intervene or at least offer to help us, it wasn't until last night when I laid in bed alone and didn't have a clue as to where my wife was that it hit me.

Ever since then it was all becoming clear and I needed Meredith, not just to make sure that we were still ok and that the hospital rumours were just rumours but to see if she was ok.

Inside my self absorbed cocoon I had forgotten that she was also having a rough time and I have to admit that I had retreated back into my self absorbed cocoon as soon as I walked back into the hospital and regrettably Meredith soon slipped from my mind as the first wave of ER causalities beckoned me away.

It wasn't until Cristina created a human wall and demand to know where Meredith was that I remembered that I needed to find her.

"I don't know where she is" I told her, trying to walk forward, but was unsuccessful as Cristina simply shimmed her self backwards on the balls of her feet and attempted to paralyse me with a glare that would freeze a volcano.

"You're her husband! You must have some idea where she has been for the past week".

Again another sarcastic reply – hold on, what?

"A week? Meredith has been working this week" I told her, relaxing into a slouch.

"And you call yourself her husband. Mer hasn't been to work ever since you both discovered that Maddie could be alive, and thanks by the way for informing me".

"What's it to you. It's none of your business".

"On the contrary, you married my best friend, my sister that makes you family. So yes, your business is my business now just tell me where Mer is!" she demanded, a frizzy curl falling from her bun.

"Look, I don't know where she is!"

"Well you better find her and when you do tell her I need to speak to her!" Cristina huffed as she walked off and left me alone in the middle of the hallway, leaving me to my thoughts.

Meredith hadn't been at work all week?

She was sitting at the end of the hall, head buried in her hands, slouched over, wearing her pair of old jeans and a old polo shirt that had small bleach stains on it from the laundry.

It had taken me a while to think of the police station; first had come home, her mother's place and Joe's bar. I was standing at the ferry wharf, watching a ferry boat come in through the mist when the idea popped into my head and my gut told me I was correct.

She was at the police station, all by herself.

Weaving my way through the crowed of uniformed cops and what not I sat down beside her on the bench and watched her sway ever so slightly, totally ignoring my presence.

"Meredith" I pressed quietly, waiting for her to look up at me

She didn't look up, but increased her rocking on the chair.

"Come on Mer"

"Go away" she muttered darkly, keeping her head down and her body moving.

"Meredith"

"I said GO Away!" she was in distress and I could feel my own steams starting to fall apart as I witnessed her crash and burn.

"What's wrong? Just tell me what's wrong" raising my voice seemed like the only way to break through the invisible barrier that she had built up.

And it worked. Her head snapped up to face mine and eyes narrowed. It just didn't work the way I wanted it to.

"You want to know what's wrong?" she asked, voice dangerously low as it carried the emotional baggage of a woman grieving.

"Yes" I pushed; glad that I was finally going to know what was going through her head.

"And you can fix it" she asked somewhat sarcastically as a single angst filled tear formed in her right eye

"Yes" I replied her, placing a hand on the side of her face in an attempt to comfort her.

She crammed up under my touched and closed her eyes slightly.

Opening her eyes she confessed,

"I'm pregnant. Try and fix that".

She jumped off the bench and stalked down the hall as I froze in mid air.

All I could hear was the incessant thump of my heart as my mind was cleared of anything but a dull buzzing noise.

No.

"**What's this?" Derek asked Meredith as she slipped a small white envelope into his lap.**

**She just shrugged her shoulders casually and perched herself on the arm rest of the old hospital couch.**

**Derek raised his eyebrows at his wife, confused at the meaning of it.**

**Meredith just smiled graciously and replied,**

"**Oh just open it will you?"**

**Confused he broke the seal with her thumb and extracted a glossy Hallmark card that showed the little lady bug on a huge green leaf.**

**Derek sent another confused look at his wife as he opened the card and felt something slide out and land on her lap. The words 'Congratulations" written in Meredith's handwriting briefly entered his mind as it was like slow motion as he surveyed the small black and white image that had been hidden in the card.**

**At a loss of words Derek started to stutter.**

**Meredith seeing his hyperventilation from a mile away reaches down softly and pointed to the image on the ultrasound.**

"**That right there is your son or daughter. It's too early to tell if it's a McDreamy or a McDreamette but either way it's still your's".**

"**Seriously?" he asked her, eyes glistening with unshed tears.**

"**Seriously" she mirror as their lips met in a familiar embrace and caused a large amount of giggles and resulted in her falling off the arm rest and into his lap. Hospital staff peeked through the ajar door and spotted the couple on the couch, but the two didn't seem to care.**

**They were happy.**

* * *

**_'My Favourite Mistake' one of my favoutite episodes... that countdown was just to cute and McDreamy was just to hot._**


	15. Chapter 15

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me

* * *

_Chapter Fifteen_

* * *

I followed the shocked feeling and just sunk into the bench, only then to realise a few seconds later that the safest option for me at the moment would be for me to run after Meredith.

She was pregnant, _we were pregnant_.

How did that happen? Of course I know _how _it happened but, we were still using protection… I mean yeah a few times not on my part but she was on the pill and, and we hadn't discussed the prospect of children _at all._ I mean…?

I couldn't dwell on it anymore without talking to her. Again I dodged random people at a pace faster and more nimble than I had done ever before, and pushed the door lever open harder that I meant to.

Adrenaline pumped through me as I spotted her in the small car park, having trouble with her car keys. It was a small detail that my one-track mind had failed to notice before; her car was only a few metres away from my car. It was amazing that I had missed it before.

"Mer" My hand snaked its way to the small hook of her arm as I tugged her towards me.

"No!" she exclaimed, tears obstructing her vision, making it impossible for her to find the right car key. Her fingers fumbled from one to the other with a dull jiggle. She was slightly shaking and I could tell that was trying to prevent herself from breaking down on the spot.

She always tried to prove that she was strong and didn't need protecting or rescuing. Call it a God complex or husband/boyfriend complex but it was my job to protect her. She didn't need to always be strong.

"Meredith" I tugged hard on her arm and the keys dropped on the ground as she spun around and into my chest.

Sobs wracked her body was I pulled my arms around her small figure. Small droplets of rain started to fall as we both stood in the car park in each other's arms. She was crying and I was in shock, simply starting at the ground in fount of me trying to process how we had ended up here.

"Have you been coming here all week?" I asked her gently as her sobs faded and the question caused her to pull away.

"Not like you noticed" she commented, bending down to pick up her keys that were now lined with soft, wet droplets.

"I noticed, I was just giving you space" I lied, trying to keep on her good side. All the stress put on her from the police investigation wasn't good for the baby. I couldn't prevent that but I could prevent anything else from adding anymore pressure.

"No" she said, facing me with a good 20 centimetres of air and rain separating us.

"Space is what I have been giving _you_ for the past week while you have been going through whatever it is that you won't tell me. I respect that. I respect that once you have processed it or whatever that you will come and tell me, when you are ready. But you being told by someone else that I have skipped work for a week and then playing the concerned husband card is not called space. It is called being self absorbed".

"I have not been self absorbed" I argued, offended. What right did she have to pick on my method of dealing? It was a better way than running to the other side of the country!

"That is bullshit and you know it. You have done _everything_ in your power to avoid seeing me or anyone of our friends for the past week. You leave the house at a godly hour and then come home hours after dinner, if you come home that is".

"That is only because I want to protect you".

"See there you go again with the protecting crap. You know that's why it has taken me so long to tell you about this pregnancy".

"You kept it a secret!"

Ok that hurt. My own wife had kept her pregnancy a secret… that's not fair! I have a right!

"Yes, because I knew that when I told you that you would freak and turn into this other person who would treat me like glass. And I don't need that. I can protect myself".

"Oh yeah and you've done a good job of showing that haven't you" I didn't mean for it to come out like that, but it did and as soon as the words left my mouth I slapped my hands to my mouth and watched Meredith's eye grow wide.

She started to sputter her words out of anger and attacked the car keyhole with the house key (instead of the car key).

"I didn't mean it like that".

"But you still said it, come on admit it. You think that I was I am an unfit mother. Come on, I dare you".

"You're not a bad mother".

"Just leave me along Derek" she muttered dejected as she found the right key and opened the car door.

I stepped back and watched her shut the door, turn on the ignition and pull out of all the car park without looking at me once.

What have I done?

Detectives Harris and Jamison had stranded me in an interview room sometime later.

How I got from fighting with my wife in a car parking lot to inside a police interview room in the time period of under half an hour? I do not know.

Apparently the police had found something or what not. To be quite frank I would have welcomed that information and some one on one (well two really) time with the people in charge of my daughter's investigation yesterday, but at the moment I really wasn't in the right frame of mind.

I needed to talk to Meredith, or shout some more, hell if I knew… I just needed to make things right between us, for baby's sake and now this?

"Dr Shepard" Harris greeted as him and his partner entered the small confided room and sat down on the metal chair in front of me.

"Detectives" I grunted, head bowed and finger fiddling with a square piece of paper that really held no significance.

"We're sorry for hauling you in here on such late notice but we need you to look at these photographs for us" Jamison asked, placing a mug shot on the table top and sliding it towards me.

I glanced up with a look of mild detest on my face. Looking at pictures again? I was expecting something more like an identification parade by now.

At first I took a swift fleeting look at the photograph and quickly did a double take.

I had seen him somewhere before…

I ran the plastic film through my finger tips as I stood it up on the table top and took a deep evaluation of the man's face. The thick sandy hair and try hard stubble wasn't what I was playing attention to. It was his eyes… I had seen those dodgy eyes before.

"Is this man… is he the one that took my daughter?" I asked the detectives. My tone was light, intrigued and held no emotion of anger and repressed sorrow that it did when I first spoke to them.

Harris and Jamison sneaked a look at each other and answered with a short yes.

"Do you recognise this man?" Harris asked, leaning back in his chair, a vanilla folder sat between his fingers.

"Yes… I just don't know where. I mean I work at a hospital I see hundreds of new faces a day, he could of, I don't know, I have seen him before I just don't know where" I finished pathetically, ashamed that I had been given a chance to help and I had failed with my delivery.

"That's ok. It has been a while. If you do suddenly remember you need to tell us. We've hit some roadblocks but we have made some progress since the last time we spoke"

"Well if you haven't noticed but my wife has been here all week, I would have appreciated it if you would have told her that. She's been sidetracked this past week, we both have"

"That's understandable" Harris agreed as he shook his head and retained eye contact with me as his partner picked up the mug shoot.

"What's his name?" I asked, letting just a tad of desperate to leak through my voice

"I'm sorry that information is confidential" Jamison replied with a cut nod as he left the room. Harris offered me a tight smile and allowed me to leave.

I knew what I had to do to as soon as I passed the bottle shop on the way home. I knew that alcohol was out of the question but chocolate and flowers always won me a few points.

Of course Meredith wasn't the type of girl to fawn over candy and roses after a fight. No she was the type to laugh in your face and call you a corny man whore. But every now and again she caved and relaxed at the idea. It was never roses, but lavender and then tradition stated that the gesture had to be followed by a tub of strawberry ice-cream.

I was at the cashier when I spotted the small item on the self and quickly added it to my collect along with the shiny Hallmark card that would hopefully seal the deal.

I had never been as nervous as I had been in my whole entire night as I walked into my house. The only thing that I could hear was the old Coldplay, 'A Rush of Blood to the Head,' album playing somewhere at the back of the house.

It was coming from the kitchen and I walked in to find Meredith, hair tied back, chopping up a bunch of vegetable at such a force that the carrot had spit down the middle as she chopped which had resulted in a mess of retarded carrot pieces.

"I'm still angry at you" she commented as I placed the bouquet of lavender down beside her with the tub of ice cream next to it and finally placed the card on top of the bouquet without saying a word.

I felt like an idiot as she finally stopped her process of decapitation (of the carrots) and looked up.

I remained silent and had to purse my lips to prevent a smile when she just stared at me confused.

"Can you put the ice cream in the freezer?" she asked quietly

I obeyed, hell bent on getting this right the first time.

I turned around from the freezer to find her smiling slightly at the card.

"You remembered" was all she said as she bit her lip.

"Yeah I remembered" I gathered her up in my arms and hugged her tightly, planning on never letting her go.

The card was an exact copy of the one she had given to me with Maddie's first ultrasound and while I couldn't exactly put the baby's ultrasound in it I could duplicate her message with 'Congratulations Mummy' on the inside. Coupled with the card with an impartial coloured baby rattle; the first gift I had bought for baby Maddie.

I couldn't exactly tell you that we were better than great, but I can tell you that we were good and as we spent the night in each others arms just content for the night with the knowledge of our future child I still couldn't let the nagging feeling that I had developed with that guys picture. I wasn't sure who he was but I was sure as hell going to find out.

* * *

**_This is me saying sorry for all and any mistakes, it's been a while since I've updated and well i was keen to post this and get your thoughts on it, the good and the bad (ducks from all sharp objects being thrown)..._**

**_So Grey's is offically on repeats... everywhere from America to Australia... just repeats... and that sucks because i really don't like watching Meredith and George sleeping together (Aust. is showing Yesterday again) so yeah.. please review..._**

**_I really don't know what else to say so - REVIEW! for the next installment of How to be Dead!_**


	16. Chapter 16

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Sixteen_

* * *

I was sitting down, bent over, leaning on my knees as my foot tapped from my toes to my heel in an erratic motion.

It took Meredith 0.5 seconds to respond.

"Relax!" I heard her mutter and I sent a glance over to her before placing my feet back on the floor, still, and instead began to suck on my bottom lip, making stupid sounds escape from my mouth.

"Derek" her tone warned me to stop it, so I did.

I straightened my back and sat up properly and heaving a deep, loud breath as I settled back down.

Her eye's darted towards me and I smiled my smile to stop her from putting me back in my place.

"How can you be so relaxed?" I asked her quietly, eyeing the other couples and children sitting in the waiting room.

"You've known me for how long? You should know by now that I internally freak out opposed to you who make everyone in the world aware to your insecurities" She answered dryly, watching a kid smear banana through his hands and then continue to slap it on the crisp sterile wall, mild disbelief graced her face. It was cute.

I chuckled silently and went back to tapping my leg, unconsciously of course. I really did not see the point of me being here. OBGYN appointments were for the woman right? They got examined and talk about babies – nothing needed for me to do. To be frank the whole idea of us having a baby was scaring the shit out of me. I hadn't told Mer this of course.

This time compared to the last time we were pregnant, Meredith appeared to be generally excepting of the whole baby thing. The first time she had done an absolute Meredith and my manhood had been threatened by, not only Cristina, but also from Izzie and Alex, I had not known that Izzie had grown up in a trailer park until that day.

Needless to say this time the tables had been turned I was the one crapping my pants over the prospect of a child. We hadn't discussed children, we hadn't planned children and I sure as hell hadn't of thought of children. It was taboo and I liked taboo, it was comfortable and had nice conversation and vomit-free mornings, not that Meredith had had any morning sickness but surely that was coming, right?

Our last name was called and Meredith grabbed my hand at such force that I was sure my arm had been removed from its socket. I winced in pain and muttered something or other and she just glared at me with the same force as the arm pull. Ouch.

Our OBGYN was a rather plump woman with freaky red hair; quite frankly I was surprised that she was a doctor. I mean sure Addison had red hair and I have nothing against plump women but this woman resembled Ronald MacDonald so much that a jab in the side from my lovely wife had saved me from a potentially embarrassing comment.

After the OBGYN – whose name is Michelle – shoved more than enough information down our throats (hello, surgeons here!) it was ultrasound time. As Meredith revealed her small beginnings of bump I woke up and started to pay attention to Michelle who, catching on to my obvious disinterest, had directed all conversation and information towards Meredith who was soaking up every word.

The foetal monitor burst to life and my child's heart beat filled the room.

It was the most wonderful sound.

It was real, all of it was real, and I was going to become a father, again. This was my second chance.

Meredith herself also looked overwhelmed as we watched our three and a half month old jelly bean on the monitor.

3 and a half months, that explained the absence of morning sickness and the sudden stomach bug Mer had had a few months ago.

"By your next visit, which will be in 2 weeks, I am expecting that stomach of yours to be bigger because you are rather small for a 2nd trimester and I also want you to watch your blood pressure, eat well, exercise and relax Meredith, that's all I need you to do" Michelle told us, writing a few notes down on a chart.

"And I'm holding you, Derek, responsible if her blood pressure does go up" .

I chuckled and kissed Meredith's hand as I muttered an 'ok'.

We were both left alone for a while to bask in the ecstasy of hearing our child's heartbeat for a moment or two until Meredith was cleaned up and we were free to go back to our lives, feeling lighter than when we had arrived.

"Hey Dr Stevens can I talk to you for a second" It wasn't a question but a polite request as I dragged Izzie away from a bunch of interns to speak to her in private.

"Sure Derek, what's wrong? Is Meredith ok, did you find out something about Maddie… oh my god!" Her face immediately went from professional attending to gossiping intern in a spilt second and I was reminded to the time I unofficially shared a house with her when she was just starting her career.

Now she was a paediatric surgeon who was still the same old Izzie, that's why I needed to talk to her.

"No, no everything's fine, I just need to ask you a favour" I asked her, her face dropped slightly and still maintained her 'Izzie' glow as Meredith and Cristina referred to it.

"Sure, whatever it is consider it done" she replied, smiling and spreading her arms out to emphasis her reply

"Meredith's pregnant and I need you to watch her" I spat it out all at once, not really sure if Meredith had told her friends yet

"Whoa! Rewind for a second! You guys are having a baby! Congratulations Daddy!" she exclaimed, gaining the attention of the surrounding nurses as she squealed and threw her arms around me in a hug.

Maybe I should have asked Cristina instead, I could deal with the teasing and sarcastic comments over Izzie's baby questions and hugs.

"How far along is she? When is it due! Why didn't you guys tell us sooner?"

"Three and a half months, sometime in June and we just really found out but that isn't why I'm here" I didn't want to get caught in Izzie's questioning and she seemed to get my subtle hint to redirect the conversation.

"Sure, but can I just say, three months? Gosh you guys are pretty slow for a pair of brain surgeons" She snorted slightly at her joke and straightened her face as she caught my expression

"Right, missing daughter, good enough excuse, so what do you need?"

I put my hands on my hips and took a deep breath, not really believing that I was going to actually ask her this.

"I need you to watch Meredith. Not over the top so she knows but enough to make sure she's ok."

"Why, is there something wrong with the baby?" her eyes widened.

"No, no, no! Well not yet. Her blood pressure is high and well under the circumstances that's to be expected but…"

"You don't want her to over do it. Sure"

"Great" he breathed, relaxing for the first time since the OBGYN appointment we had had that morning.

"And I promise I wont tell her that you asked me, because well, she'd kill you" Izzie joked as her pager went off.

"That's for this Iz"

"No problem" she smiled again, running off to answer the page and leaving me by myself in the hallway, knowing that I was doing the right thing.

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**_Kind of filler i know, but the next chapter is action packed so the more reviews the faster you'll get your update!_**

**_Just noticed that we've pasted the 200 review mark - yay!!! Thanks to everyone who review, I love you all and all sundae's are on me!_**

**_Please have a look at my lastest OneShot, 'Tired and Under Prepared', it's really short put very sweet and very MerDer! So please have a look._**

**_Review!_**


	17. Chapter 17

**How to Be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Seventeen_

* * *

**Children of various ages surrounded me as I sat on the park bench trying to work out the crossword from today's paper.**

**Tearing my eyes from the clue for down 14, I briefly glanced up towards the play equipment, attempting to keep a close eye the mass of dark brown curls that belonged to my daughter.**

**She was in the queue to slide down the static yellow slide, busy talking to another little girl with bright blonde hair. My girl could hold a conversation, and a decent one too if you considered her age. She was bright, but then again I would be worried if she wasn't, she did after all have two neurosurgeons as parents.**

**That caused me to think about Meredith who, as she had made very aware, had woken up at 4am, for her shift that had started at 5. That's right, today it was just Maddie and I, and spending a few hours in the sun, working on my crossword while she played and wore herself out seemed like an excellent way to spend a day off.**

**With every intention of focusing my attention back to my crossword, a man caught my eye as I carelessly observed the other spectators.**

**It was an unusually warm day, cloudless day in Seattle so naturally everyone had congregated outside in vain hope of trying to soak up a few rays. It shouldn't and wasn't rare to see a man, by himself, at a child's playground. He could easily be doing the same thing that I was; one of those children could be his. Or maybe not.**

**I couldn't shake the feeling but pegged it down to my imagination giving me something to entertain myself with; cheating on crosswords always seemed to lose their thrill fast.**

**I guess Meredith was right; I did have a child's mind.**

**I stole a glance at Maddy, who was now sliding down the slide, and returned back to my crossword.**

_**42. US state in which "Grey's Anatomy" is set (abbrev.)**_

**Once upon a time crosswords were about world trivia, now it's strictly entertainment with a huge emphasis on day time soapies… or primetime dramas, it depends on what you call them. I think Meredith watches this show…**

**I didn't finish the thought as the hairs on the back of my neck stuck up and my attention was immediately drawn towards my daughter. **

**Something was defiantly not right.**

**_(AN: confusing bit starts now... the bold is what actually happens, the normal text is what Derek's dreaming... it's a comparison or whatever)_**

His eyes were on her and I felt my stomach churn

**His jaw was set as watched Maddie, ignoring everyone around him as he did **

Her giggles started to suffocate me and he stood up.

One step, two step, towards the playground.

Three step, four step, I knew what his target was now

**I could set no expression on his face as he stalked towards the slide, maybe it was because of the pure determination that made his dark green eyes space out leaving him vacant. **

One step, two step, I was quicker

Three step, four step, I needed to be quicker

**My hands pushed someone out of the way as I passed and I felt another trip, everything was in slow motion, mainly me. My movements blurred and sloppy opposed his quick, practised movements. Panic started to rise at an insane level in my chest. **

He stopped and I tried to catch up…

**I didn't even speak to him as I stood in front and reach out my hand. **

His hand was now in Maddie's, taunting me.

**Maddie's hand was safety in mine and I shot a quick glare at the man with the sandy hair. **

I was running as they moved further and further away from me.

**I practically had to drag my daughter away from the playground. She may be smart for her age but at the age of four years old an appeared attempt at child abduction was impossible to comprehend. **

Instead of giggles, screams of protest filled my ears and I felt like I was drowning, shrinking to the point of non existence and a pathetic excuse for a father.

**Even though Maddie was in the mist of throwing a tantrum that was highly unusual for her, a sense of relief washed over me.**

**I had been so close to losing her.**

**Thank the Lord… my chest started to heave it's way back to my normal breathing rhythm and the sweat on my palms started to dry was a cool breeze pushed against us.**

**I couldn't tell Meredith about this. For the sake of everything sane I was never going to mention this to anyone. **

"Derek!" Meredith's voice awoke me as I opened my eyes to find darkness.

That was quickly fixed as Meredith turned on her bedside lamp and sat back, carefully surveying me at a distance. I could tell that was be on the verge of saying something but was second guessing it.

"I'm ok, it was just a nightmare" I told her, panting as I sat up in my drench top that had been turned a dark shade of blue from my sweat.

"A nightmare about Maddie is no just a nightmare" she told me as she grabbed a glass from her bedside table and walked into the bathroom to fill it with water I presumed.

"I don't want you to worry about that". My ran a clammy hand over my face as she re-entered our bedroom with the glass filled with water.

"Well it's too late for that"

I just looked at her as I accepted the glass, not sure what she was on about.

I gulped down the water without saying a word, aware that she just sat on the bed the entire time dressed in an overside t-shirt that failed to reveal her growing stomach.

And without a word I slid back underneath the covers, closed my eyes and pretended to fall asleep. It took Meredith a little longer to get the idea that I wasn't in the mood to talk, but eventually a swift 'click' signalled the lamp being switched off.

I opened my eyes and laid there listening to her breathing as it started to settle and she was asleep.

I didn't get anymore sleep.

The silent tossing and turning last hours, until the small spark of dawn slipped through our bedroom window.

That's when I glided out of bed, dressed in what ever clothes of mine I could find on the floor and left the house.

Dawn had barely broken as I strapped myself into the front seat of my car and started the ignition.

I knew what I had to do; it had been all out of my hands up until now. I held the possibility vital piece of information that could save my daughters life or could ultimately send the bastard straight to gaol, but there was only one place that could turn this information into something; the police station.

Meredith hadn't even realised that I had left, which was a good thing. The baby needed sleep, Meredith needed sleep, not more stress and false hope.

It was like the car was driving me there as auto pilot took over and I was literally left to dwell in my thoughts, I had been doing that a lot lately.

What left like seconds later I was stranded in the hallway of the police station, not exactly sure at what to do or who to talk to. Not that I had long to think about that.

"Dr Shepherd! We were just about to call you" Detective Harris appeared in front of me out of the blue and I didn't give a thought to what he said as I practically screamed,

"I know where I've seen that man before. He was at the playground 2 weeks before Maddie disappeared and he tried to grab her".

He lowered his eyebrows out of what I hoped was deep thought, instead of confusion. I tend to mumble and run my words together when nervous, overly excited or anxious. Yeah insert 'child' comment here.

"While that's good Dr Shepherd it would be useless in our investigation" he told me, regret laced his words.

"What? I mean surely we can do an identification parade or something" I panted, fear and disappointment mixed together and started clinging to my chest like an enormous tumour, I felt numb again.

"There has to be something".

"I sorry Dr Shepherd but you saw a photograph of him, any evidence you would give about his appearance would be banished. But that is no longer relevant" he told me, chin in the air and a hard look gleamed in his eye.

"Why is that no longer relevant?" I was starting to get tired of the constant mind games with these blokes.

"We've found him"

* * *

**_If you're confused about the confusing part here is a quote from other readers who summed it up_** **_"So Derek did see the bad guy back then, but didn't realize it until now" (azgwest), "Derek sensed that day that this guy was after Maddie, but said nothing to Meredith about it, and now it turns out that he was right" (Reliki4MerDer)._**

**_If you're still confused drop me a line and I'll try to unconfuse (yeah i know, not a word) you. Besides that part i hope you guys liked it... I'm a bit iffy about it, call in writer insecurities._**

**_review! )_**

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	18. Chapter 18

**How to Be Dead **

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter Eighteen__

* * *

_

****

No Point of View

****

**The slap of photographs being flung, face up on the metal table awoke Thomas Kelly from his trance and looked up at the confronting faces of the detectives. **

**"Do you recognise any of these girls?" Jamison spat at Kelly, making him flinch to avoid any spit from getting his eyes, his lips however remained pursed together. **

**"I asked you a question!" shouted Jamison, pushing a chair over in anger. **

**"There are two ways you can deal with this Mr Kelly" Harris told him calmly, ignoring his partner's obvious attempt at scaring Kelly shitless. **

**"And what's that? shut up and get life or spill my guts and get life? I think I'll take my odds and opt for the shut up route, but thanks anyway" he sneered, showing off his slightly yellow teeth as he did. **

**"I'll have you know that one of the girl's fathers is standing behind that glass panel there," Jamison said, pointing his finger behind him, towards a tinted glass panel which could only be viewed looking inwards and was currently being used by no onw. **

**"He happens to be a brain surgeon and a good one of that. Now if you don't talk and once your lawyer gets here you'll be release and he'll be waiting for you," he continued, walking closer to Kelly. **

**Sitting down gently Jamison leant forward, so that he was only inches from Kelly's face, "and am sure that he learnt a few tricks at the fancy medical school we went to, you never know, he could kill you and make it look like an accident". **

**"Now it's in your best interests to talk otherwise we'll leave you with the brain surgeon" Harris finished the threat, crossing his arms over his chest as he spoke. **

**Kelly didn't react straight away, but visible beads of sweat formed on his forehead telling the detectives that their bluff had had some effect on him. **

**"Come on, where are the girls?" **

**Kelly mimicked Jamison and leant towards him and whispered in a sing song voice, "I'll never tell". **

Return to Derek's Point of View

"What happened?" Meredith asked me as she rushed into the police station, her cheeks flushed and a look of pure uncertainty mixed with panic covered her face.

"They've arrested someone" I told her tiredly from my slouched position on the bench.

"When and how did you get here so fast?"

I didn't answer her and she didn't push me anymore, she just breathed deeply, and sat down next to me, close enough to make it appear that we were touching but we both knew that there was an ocean in between us.

"We should talk"

"About what?" I asked her roughly

"About your dreams, this, everything" she exclaimed, using her hands to emphasis her words.

"My dreams have got nothing to do with this" I argued, turning away from her, instead choosing to focus on the pale green and white checked laminate titles.

"That's bull and you know it. For 4 nights in a row you have had that dream".

My head shot up and I stared at her, surprised. 4 nights? Surely it wasn't that bad.

"How do you…?"

"Seriously? Derek, the last time I checked we shared the same bed and besides you kick and scream loud enough to wake the whole neighbourhood" Her tone was worn but I could see the worry in her bluish green eyes.

I felt defeated, in more ways than one.

"It's just that was my job to protect her, to bring her back home to us, not them. She's my little girl, it's… it's just not supposed to happen this way".

Meredith didn't reply but instead shifted closer to me and dropped her head on to my shoulder. I felt her lungs fill with air and then collapse as she breathed out. It wasn't gentle or calming in anyway as the air constricted in her throat and her light body grew heavier against me.

"Mer, are you ok?".

For the moment I stopped thinking about my first born and started to focus on number two.

"I fine Derek, dammit! We were talking about you not me" she snapped as her left hand quickly skimmed her forehead but was dropped as soon as she felt my eyes on her. She was so stubborn sometimes that it infuriated me.

"I don't want to talk about me".

"Stop being such a toddler" she snapped back. Her glare intensified as I rolled my eyes and uttered a slight 'tut'.

"Look this is nor the time or place. Can you just drop it?".

"Fine. Do you know who they arrested?" she had unknowingly directed the conversation from one touché subject to the next and I knew without a shadow of doubt that it I didn't give her a good enough reason then I would be permanently in the dog house.

"Some guy they have been watching for a while," it was brief but enough to quench her thirst and to also send a harsh pang through my stomach.

"If they have been watching his for so long while has it taken them this long to make an arrest?"

Or maybe not.

"They, er… didn't have enough information," guilty pang number 3.

Silence followed and I knew that she knew that I knew something else. Her ability to read me and everyone else around her was charming and intriguing at first but in times like these it ensured pure hell for me. She was a bad lair but she could also spot a lie a mile away, the same thing went for people who were nervous, dreading something or was not telling her everything. As an intern she was the best to send out for patient history, she has the gift of extracting information out of reluctant souls, I was not immune to her powers.

"I'm going to find out sooner or later so just tell me".

Brief pause.

"A few weeks before Maddie disappeared a man tried to grab her at the playground, it's the same guy they have under arrest at the moment".

I never realised how interesting floor titles were until now.

"Why didn't you tell me?" the betrayal in her voice tugged at my heart and I cursed my logic at the time. How was I going to get myself out of this?

"You were busy at work, I was busy at work and Maddie wasn't affected. I didn't think anything of it. I just wanted to forget that it had ever happened. Please forgive me," the plead had to compete with the heavy 'thump' of boots as one of the detectives walked up to us.

As we both stood to our feet I looked at her to receive the tear filled nod of forgiveness and I met the sharp face of detective Jamison with a somewhat lighter heart.

"We've made the arrest as you are aware and he isn't being granted bail, a pair of five year olds shoes were found in his car a few minutes ago with a bunch of fingerprints that we haven't yet identified," he was clean cut and precise with his information and I couldn't help but compare him to Cristina Yang as his voice and face were void of emotion.

"What does that mean?" I heard my own voice say, reminding myself of a patient's family.

"It means that we're not sure on the whereabouts of your daughter as of this moment, a search team in currently being drawn up to search his property out of town".

"Let me help. I know at least 4 other guys who will also help," screw the dream, this was my chance.

"Dr Shepherd, we can't allow…"

"Not to sound desperate or anything but we've given you six years to find my baby, you owe us the opportunity to help," Meredith fought him, that's my girl!

"Alright, I'll see what we can do" he huffed.

As I watched his retreating figure I couldn't help but wonder if this was the right choice.

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**_The lack of updates is because this site is having trouble with loading documents and what not. This update was ready 5 days ago but i was unable to upload it because of the site's issues._**

**_Good news is that i have an another chapter ready and waiting for you all so if i get enough reviews it will be up._**

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**_For any writers who are also having trouble with uploading documents, drop me a line and I'll send you instructions on the alternative which I must say is really easy, really quick and possibly (if all goes well) the way I'm updating my stories from now on._**

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**_But besides that you really have to review because the next chapter is well... huge, massive, it's the fork in the road to be honest and for the first time ever in this story, Maddie just might appear, or she could not, I'm just saying... review!_**


	19. Chapter 19

**How to Be Dead **

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me. Lyrics used in this chapter are from 'Without You' by Silverchair.

* * *

_Chapter Nineteen__

* * *

_

15 odd people stood in a straight line, wild grass reaching our knees and the sun beating down on our necks as a shout signalled the official start of the search.

_Socially scared and impaired _

It was characteristically strange and I had a feeble flashback to those old cop movies where they had the whole police force out looking for the one damsel in distress.

_If the trees will bloom the wind can blow  
Without the fruit falling out _

Well we didn't have the entire police force, around a half with Mark, Burke, Alex and me trudging after them, pretending we had a clue as to what we were doing and weren't looking for one damsel; we were looking for two young girls, one of which was my daughter.

_Old incisions refusing to stay  
Like the sun through the trees on a cloudy day _

No words could explain how my muscles had contracted around my stomach at the thought of what today's outcome would be. It could go either way and that was the pure reason why I had been hell bent on Meredith not coming today. If the news was not good I didn't want her to have the memory of seeing anything; that would be too awful.

_You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat  
But it melts in the sun like a life without love _

Strangely enough she agreed and didn't even question me if I wanted to go. In fact it was harder to get Cristina to stay behind than it was Meredith but I guess stranger thing have happened.

_And I've waited for you so I'll keep holding on  
Without you _

The plan had been that we were to stay with the group outside and to scan the large scope of the wild land whilst the detectives and other senior officers searched inside. We were more likely to find them inside the house, alive than in the fields alive. In the fields, bodies and/or hiding places that were unknown to the police were all we were expected to find, and there was a higher percentage on this than them being alive inside the house. This wouldn't keep me away though.

_Feels like the wind blows  
Holding you with us _

Mere hours after the police station I had made the right calls and the men (minus George) had all agreed to help while the others went back to our place to wait on news. George had been the only one unable to get away from the hospital but he had already promised to drop by after his shift.

_She takes no other _

I was using a stick to search through the grass. A common backyard stick was my only aid and even though Mark's elbow was constantly whacking me in the side I still felt alone and oddly cold.

Was I seriously doing this?

_False light and ashes _

2 hours into the search and we had only made small progress, until a distant shout broke everyone out of their stomach grinding trance and I felt my heart plummet.

A bunch of officers were grouped around a dug up clump of land, some of them were on their knees, some were looking away in disgust and one or two were yelling out to others.

This couldn't be happening. How am I going to tell Meredith? What did that bastard do to her? Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick…

_Blooming like winter _

I felt Mark and Alex's hands on my arms as I fell to the ground.

"I think it's best if you lot go home," the senior officer in charge told us all gently minutes later.

"Was it her, please tell me it wasn't" Mark's voice echoed through my head.

_You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat _

The officer shook his head and the waves of relief that I was expecting to run through my body didn't come.

"There's still a chance than?" That was Burke.

"I don't want to get your hopes up but yes there's still a slither of chance".

That didn't hold any comfort either.

"We are staying".

_But it melts in the sun like a life without love _

My voice was clear and sharp; it demanded the right respect of this man and caused my friends around me to look at each other in worry.

"I can't go home and tell Meredith nothing, even if the news is bad it's better than nothing".

_And I've waited for you so I'll keep holding on _

The officer nodded in defeat and I was brought back to my feet as we prepared to continue our search.

I didn't see it coming when he approached me and ask to talk in private; I figured it was just another attempt to get us to leave. But as the sirens of an oncoming ambulance rang out in the near distance I knew that I was wrong.

_Without you _

She was unconscious, and no longer my little baby when they brought her out on the stretcher into the broad daylight.

_Without you _

She looked just like Meredith with only my hair.

_Without you... _

A black body bag was not needed but she needed oxygen and instant medial attention. They had found her in the basement cupboard, unconscious and dehydrated. It was unknown how long she had been down there or what he had done to her, but she was alive.

My baby was alive.

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**_Can I just say that with only 134 having view the last chapter (around half an hour after I posted the chapter) it had already 8 reviews! I seriously love you all. _**

_**And that why I'm typing this with a heavy heart; if I don't get chapter 20 completed by tonight then you can't expect an update until Thursday. I'm going on holidays for 6 days, with a short trip back home on Thursday night to Friday night, meaning I won't be home until Sunday so this is a heads up for the lack of promised updates. **_

_**Even though I'm a tad bit depressed about going away (don't ask; I have issues) someone commented that a new episode is happening in America this week... I'm excited, thanks to the wonders of YouTube American's, Canadians etc aren't the only ones who get a new new episode this week. Hopefully I'm home long enough to watch it. **_

**_Grey's is finally returning to Australia (after a 2 week break that wasn't ending, seriously!) with 'Where the Boys Are', I had a squeal moment when I read that it was the 2nd topic pick for the week with the comment 'finally, it returns'... seriously can you feel the love!_**

**_Don't forget to review! You never know I always have time to post the next chapter!_**


	20. Chapter 20

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty_

* * *

Calls were made in the blurred haze and different faces were telling me different (or were they the same) things that I couldn't comprehend. This was worse than pulling Meredith out of the water all those years ago.

My mind was sharp then, I knew what to do, how to do it and that it had to be done fast, but this? I was moving slower than everyone else, I couldn't talk, I didn't know what to do; I was simply lost.

I hate being lost.

Marks face came into view and 'Meredith', 'Cristina' and 'hospital' managed to break through the fog. My head wobbled stupidly as I nodded at him and I slipped and hit my knee as I was semi pushed into the back of the ambulance, as my daughter, who was now 10, lied lifelessly on the portable gurney.

I wasn't the one treating her like I had been with Meredith; I was the one sitting down trying not to look as the paramedic did his thing.

The siren didn't stop as the ambulance doors were flung open and Bailey's voice melted into the air.

"Jane Doe, 10 years old, unconscious and non responsive" The paramedic ran off as him, Bailey and someone pulled the gurney out.

"Derek, what are you doing here?"

I looked at her shell shocked.

"She's not Jane Doe, its Maddie, my Maddie" I mumbled over and over again.

"Get Madeline Shepherd's chart, now!" The intern fled and Bailey took my arm into her hands and told me to go and call Meredith and to get some coffee, or something; I wasn't really paying attention.

The only thing to awaken me from my trance came barely five minutes and I felt a massive wave of relief as her arms wrapped around my torso and lavender filled the air.

"Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God…" she whispered into my shirt over and over again.

"We're not out of the woods yet" I whispered in her ear, closing my eyes as I did as I melted into the fantasy of just her and me.

"Let us celebrate this small victory, please".

I nodded the desperation in her voice revealing how fragile and small she was inside. Meredith was right, this was a small victory.

Cristina and Mark stood awkwardly to the side and Bailey was soon added to the equation as she flipped Maddie's chart between her fingers, her normally bright face was clouded and I knew that Meredith saw what was coming as her gentle fingers grasped mine tightly.

"You should both sit down" she said quietly, looking towards the ground as she did.

"Please, Miranda, please"

Bailey's eye shined as she said, "She is currently in ICU, unconscious and due to problems with her lungs, her left one in particular, who has to incubate her. I am so sorry".

"Addison's examining her at the moment".

Meredith buried her head in my chest and I wrapped my arms firmly around her, never wanting to let her go.

I kissed Meredith's forehead as Addison silently appeared next to Bailey, a sombre expression on her face as she watched us.

"Maddie has a few bruises and scratches but besides that there is no strong evidence to show any abuse that has occurred over the past two weeks, it only takes two weeks for any injuries of that kind of heal over so yeah…"

I could tell that Addison was uncomfortable with telling us this.

"We should have the test results back within the hour, until then you're allowed to go and see her, the nurses have just finished cleaning her up, she's hooked up to all different machines and she's still unconscious but you can still talk to her. She's gorgeous".

Wanting to go and see Maddie I started to walk off with Meredith still in my arms but she resisted and quietly told me that she'd be right there, I didn't miss the look her and Addison shared.

Too tired to ask what that was about I just nodded and walked towards Maddie's room by myself. Gripping the door knob I wasn't sure what to expect and I was slightly nauseous as the door opened to reveal Maddie lying in a hospital bed.

Taking the seat closest to her bed I sat down and put her still small, cold hands into mine and listened to the rhythmical beat of the heart monitor. Even though I wouldn't admit it to anyone I knew that I was holding my breath expecting the beep to turn erratic but it didn't and I just sat there listening to it beep.

10 minutes Meredith snuck into the room and took the seat on the opposite side of Maddie's bed to me and held on to both our hands with glistering tears filling her eyes.

"She's so big" she said quietly, tears strained her voice.

"She's beautiful, just like her mother" I said as I squeezed her hand gently.

Meredith smiled softly and allowed a few tears to trickle down her cheeks. I looked back at Maddie who, even with the bruises, scratches and tubes covered all visible parts of her body I still felt a small swell of pride at my little girl, who was going to beat the odds and come back from this nightmare.

I just knew it.

* * *

_**Sorry about the wait, the traffic was really bad and I just went crazy at the prospect of having the internet back again that I spent like 5 hours stalking down all the sneak peaks for 'Time After Time'. I haven't watched it yet but I did skim through the ABC (America) message board and noticed a few 'Derek's such a jerk' topics, so I'm a little **__**nervous about watching the episode… I like happy merder, you may not be able to tell from this fic but I love them when it's all happy and flirty, not moody and career driven… I mean if Derek just cared about his job why the hell did he chase after an intern? Stupid men! **_

_**Anyway I have a youtube episode of Grey's to watch, a legal episode of Grey's to watch, the internet and 3 more days of school holidays left so the disappointm**__**ent has been lower to a minimum, i also thought i should post this before i watch the episode, in case it is bad (which i hope not nor am expecting).**_

_**Thanks for wonderful reviews, you are all seriously amazing and this story would be nothing without you!**_

**_Review!_**


	21. Chapter 21

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty-One _

* * *

If someone were to come up to me at this very moment and ask 'which was the more horrifying situation: a) six years without knowing the whereabouts of your only child or b) six days with your only child lying unconscious in a hospital bed getting worse with every single breath that she took?'.

I would answer b.

For six years I dreamt of having Maddie returned to me and in none of my dreams I factored in the pain I might feel. I always told myself that the pain would be all worth it because at least she would be home. Now she is home, it took six years, but she is back in my sight and yet this would have to be the most painful thing ever.

Ignorance is bliss. Sleeping in an on call room and waking up at rounds for 4am just to hear a bunch of interns tell you that her vitals have dropped yet again is not.

The pain is not only coming from that. The looks and lack of conversation are also silently killing me. Nurses, doctors, friends and family don't know what to say to me. I can just hear their thoughts; 'Maybe I should talk about last night's game, no wait that's shallow of course he didn't watch it, I'll just stick with the weather'.

"So it looks like rain again"…

Seriously?! Hello, Seattle! And what's worse is that I'm also guilty of doing this. No matter how much courage and determination I build up inside of me, I still can't bring myself to having a decent conversation with my wife.

Meredith has (naturally) been unusually quiet and I know that I have been as well. There are only so many hits you can take before you're just stripped bare for the whole world can see and currently whips are being flung at our naked arses. Seriously.

Another day, another sleepless night spent in a hard hospital chair.

It is 4.15am when interns and their resident come knocking at the door ready to deliver Maddie's recent lab results. Both Meredith and I are prepared for this, we've straighten our clothes so they look half decent, hidden any pillows and blankets and have a freshly made cup of coffee in our hands; nothing it different, except for Miranda Bailey's presence.

Sure she has visited every spare chance she has had but at the moment she is here as a doctor and I really don't want to hear what she has to say. An Attending being brought in on a coma case can only mean surgery or life support options (pulling the pug in other words). Neither option sounded appealing.

"Maddie's labs concerning her kidneys aren't good. I think we should do an MRI to see what's going on". She was slightly breathless and gentle as she spoke.

Bailey offered Meredith the consent forms and she just bowed her head, not noticing Bailey's gesture so instead I took the forms, signed them and handed them back. That was it. The interns fussed around for another five minutes and left the room without a word.

Bailey and her intern returned within the hour and transported Maddie down to MRI. A lump formed in my throat as I watched them disconnect and reconnect all the wires and IV fluids that were all responsible for keeping my daughter alive.

As I watched them wheel her away I felt the sudden urge to get out of the room. It was suffocating me.

"I'm going to get some coffee, do you want anything?" I asked Meredith.

She was slightly pale and seemed to be somewhere else.

"Umm, a bottle of water thanks" she answered after a slight pause.

Her face was tight and my gut clenched.

"Are you ok?" I brought myself down to her level, kneeling on my knees so that we were face to face.

She wiped her hand carelessly over her face and gave me a weak smile.

"Fine, just a tad bit dizzy but that's normal".

"Do you want me to get Addison?"

"Nah don't bother her, it'll pass soon. I just need to take it easy, that's all" she gave her answer with a slight wave of her hand and even though I trusted her one hundred percent my instincts were telling me something else.

But for the sake of peace I left for a cup of coffee and a bottle of water. Meredith was a doctor, a really good doctor at that, and if something was wrong she would know. If she knew something was wrong she would tell me.

I just needed to relax and realise that the world wasn't out to get me; instead it was out to get Maddie and that should be my main worry, my daughter who was currently very ill for no medical reason.

Standing in line for the coffee chart a flash of red hair caught my attention.

"Hey Derek, how is Maddie doing?" Addison asked conversationally.

Spacing out for a second I ignored her question and didn't bother to prevent the question that had already formed on my lips.

"Meredith has been having headaches and dizzy spells". There it is. This is me being proactive and slightly overprotective.

Addison frowned slightly and went into full doctor mode.

"If it is constant she could be experiencing hypertension. Considering the circumstances it would be highly likely that she has a high blood pressure. Does she have any other symptoms?" Addison asked with a small purse of her lips.

"Dehydration…, I'm not sure. You know Meredith; she is always 'fine'" Maybe dropping a small bitchy comment to my ex-wife about my wife isn't the brightest idea. Yet again Meredith and Addison being friends isn't the brightest idea either.

"It most likely isn't something to worry about but it could always be Pre Eclampsia so just to be careful I'll pop by later on".

"And you won't tell her that I talked to you about this right?" If Meredith found out about me having Izzie Mummy-track her she would cut my balls off but if she found out I had Addison talk to her about a headache she'd kill me then bring me back to life to cut my balls off.

Addison smiled and her eyes danced with humour. "And spoil my fun? Your secret is safe with me Derek". I nodded my thanks as my pager went off.

It was a 911, from Bailey.

I think I suffered both a heart attack and a stroke as I ran down to MRI. My chest burned and I knocked into at least 5 nurses and an elderly patient in a wheelchair on my way but I made it in record time.

Bailey and Meredith were the only ones in the room, with the intern banished to wait outside.

"What happened?" I panted taking in Bailey's pale face and the small tears glistening in Meredith's eyes.

Bailey looked at me and then back at Meredith before announcing that she was off to book an OR.

"She's needs surgery!?"

Meredith nodded with a small sniff.

Looking around the room I spotted the scans hanging up on the walls and had a closer look. I felt my body go cold.

"There's a higher chance of infection the longer we wait for her to have surgery" Meredith supplied, standing next to me.

"Her kidney… its half dead… how is that possible?" I was lost for words and what's worse was that my brain was failing to function; I should know how this was possible but I didn't.

Meredith leant her head against my shoulder and I put my arm around her pulling her closer to me, needing to feel the warmth of her skin next to me.

"That doesn't matter Derek. What matters is that our daughter is having surgery and if everything goes well she'll wake up" she whispered into my chest adding to the non-existent weight that was forming inside my chest.

The small spread of hope started to tingle inside my body. I increased my hold on Meredith, feeling the pressure of my unborn child push against my and smelling the flowery scent of her hair calm me down.

* * *

_**Pre Eclampsia is caused when hypertension is present in pregnancy. **__**It is the most common, dangerous complication of pregnancy and it may affect both the mother and the fetus.**_

_**Ok the MerDer issue in 'Time After Time'? (And thanks to everyone who set me straight with that )) I don't think it's that bad. No wife turn up, no tequila was involved and (unfortunately) no exam rooms were used. To me when any of the above factors are used that means trouble and since none were used we can breathe until 'Desire' starts. And how hot do **_**both**_** of them look in the promos. They are both very passionate people so this thing will be solved in a heat-of-the-moment fight, I seriously bet 10 bucks on it. **_

_**This story (even though sad and depressing, making it a well rounded dark and twisty story) has hit over 40000 hits and is 11 reviews sly of 300 reviews so here is my massive thank you to everyone. This is in no way an indication that this story is close to the end it's a ofmg(!) moment on my behalf.**_

**_REVIEW_**


	22. Chapter 22

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty-Two_

* * *

Maddie had been in surgery for 2 hours now and after a particularly loud conversation with Miranda Bailey I was stuck in Maddie's room by myself.

Meredith hadn't been allowed to watch from the OR gallery either but at the exact moment that Bailey told us to 'move our asses', Addison had appeared out of nowhere and with a well practised and thought-out conversation starter, managed to sweep Meredith off to somewhere, leaving me alone since every single one of our friends had jumped at the job of informant.

Currently it was Alex's turn to give me the latest news on Maddie's surgery and he was five minutes late, which you know could mean that he has either lost track of time or something has gone horribly wrong and now all my old interns are fighting over whose going to break the news.

Yeah I'm just not going to think about that.

Not that I had to dwell on how not to think about that for long, a timid knock at the door broke me from my task and gave me the outlet to focus on something new.

"Dr Shepherd, two men want to speak with you" the nurse said before walking away and leaving the two somewhat familiar faces of Detective Harris and Detective Jamison as they strutted into Maddie's room and greeted me with a handshake.

"How is Maddie?" Detective Harris inquired.

"Currently in surgery to removed half of her kidney" I answered in a monotone, suspicious at why they were here.

"Still unconscious?".

"Yes, why do you want to know?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

Normally I'm not as upfront but normally I don't have detectives inquiring about the current state of my daughter so I forgive me if I'm not my usual self.

"Our case against Kelly is overwhelmingly full of evidence but despite his number of victims we have no witness, that's why we are here" Jamison spoke up. He was always the one who got to the point.

"You want my daughter to stand trail" he said, my tone light.

"Absolutely not" I told them, my voice dropping its false happy pretences as they both nodded their heads.

"For starters she hasn't even woken up yet and she's been through enough. No, I won't have it".

"Dr Shepherd, we understand where you are coming from but without Maddie we have no case".

"What about all of your 'overwhelming evidence'?"

"It's all circumstantial. Out of the four girls he took your daughter is our only chance of locking up her kidnapper".

"What about that other girl who survived. She's had longer time to recover and she is also conscious, go and hassle her".

I knew I was being unreasonable and the detectives shared a look at clearly said that they agreed with me. But I wouldn't be doing my job is I handed her over to these guys who I knew from years of watching old 'Law and Order' reruns were just going to lock her into some old room and make her relive that last six years over and over again for their own needs. She was too fragile to be able to live through that again.

"We would and believe me she was our first choice but it appears that Miss Brewer is mentally unstable. You may not be aware but she is suffering from Stockholm syndrome so what ever she says will be affected by her condition, making her completely useless for us" Jamison explained, raising his voice slightly in a way that clearly told me that he meant business.

"I'm sorry but she's all you got because I'm not doing that to my daughter, now if you'll excuse me I have somewhere I need to be" Roughly I walked past them.

It wasn't until I was out of the door and halfway down the hallway until I realised that I didn't know where to go.

I couldn't go to the gallery because Bailey had banned me from any and every gallery and I had just told the detective's occupying Maddie's hospital room that I had somewhere to be so I couldn't go back.

Maybe I should find Meredith. She should be done with Addison by now and since I hadn't received a page or call I presumed that everything was fine. At least something was going right.

As I stepped on the elevator my mind flooded back to the words of the detectives. They weren't serious were they? Putting a little girl on stand in with her kidnapper right there? That would cause irreplaceable damage.

What would happen if Maddie woke up and didn't know who we were, didn't know who I was?

Could I really survive that heart break all over again?

And yet in the scheme of things the only other option available would be for her to die in surgery and that would be the end of me.

Mark had informed me that he, Karev and O'Malley had taken the tombstone out of our yard the other day. Meredith had been right; we did give up too early.

How sick is that? I jumped at the thought of giving up hope that my daughter was alive and put a tombstone in my backyard without a confirmation of her death and left her with that bastard.

The ding of the elevator awoke me from my internal rant; I was on the maternity floor.

Curious I stepped off and walked slowly down the hall; watching the hustle and bustle of the surrounding nurses, doctors and other staff. I felt so disconnected from all of them, it was like they had their world and I had mine and there was no way that they could mix.

I was a 'nobody' up here and I kind of liked it.

Walking away from the nurse's station I saw the glass palings that gave newborn babies their first glance at the world and it wasn't until I got closer that I noticed Meredith with her face pressed against the glass silently watching the babies.

I guess I found where she would disappear to.

"Imagine seeing you here" I said quietly, sliding in next to her so that our shoulders were touching even though she was shorter than me.

She smiled gently but didn't move her eyes off the small baby, directly opposite her.

"Can you believe that in less than 3 months were going to have one" she murmured bitting her bottom lip slightly as she placed a hand on her stomach briefly.

"If someone had told me 6 years ago that someday we would be here I would have given them a lobotomy" she continued when I didn't answer.

"Do you sometimes think…?"

"… That we can't do this? Help Maddie and raise a newborn baby? ... All the time" Meredith finished, pulling her eyes off the baby and instead looking at me with small tears glistening in her eyes.

"We'll be ok, we can do this" I told her, using my thumb to gently removed a falling tear from her cheek.

"We can do this" she agreed as I pulled her in to my arms and dropped a soft kiss onto her forehead.

"Addison gave me some methyldopa. My blood pressure was a higher than it should be and I was slightly dehydrated so you can stop mummy tracking me now, baby's fine, I'm fine".

"Methyldopa is strong stuff and I'm not mummy tracking you" I protested, drawing back slightly and trying to keep an insulted look on my face.

I failed because she smirked at me.

"First Izzie and now Addison so don't even try and lie. You're lucky I haven't done anything to you" she teased in a mock Meredith stern voice. She could only ever muster a firm tone around interns.

"You wouldn't dare" I joked back, enjoying the moment with my wife.

"Size doesn't count" she answered, knowing that I was having a go at her height.

"No matter what anyone says, size does count" I told her somewhat seriously as she broke out into a fit of giggles.

"You are a dirty, dirty man Derek Shepherd"

"Don't I know it!".

We stayed there for another half an hour, joking and watching the babies sleep; basically enjoying each other's company. Because as soon as our pagers went off I knew that we weren't going to have that for sometime.

It was Karev, Maddie was out of surgery.

* * *

_**Lol, sorry about the cliff-hangers here, I really didn't plan them it's just how the chapters start and end, but at least you all seem to be enjoying this story, cliff-hangers included.**_

_**I realise that you still don't know about Maddie and how she is and yes I was supposed to finish that in this chapter but I got carried away with the police talk (which is not over yet) and then I had the idea for this cute little scene. So let Meredith and Derek have thi**__**s moment, they need this moment because now they have to deal with post surgery Maddie and unknown to them a court case.**_

_**A few of you said that Derek should give Maddie his kidney, you see I was watching Discovery Channel with my dad and it was' Untold Stories of the ER' or something and this guy had a half dead kidney and then the surgeon removed the dead part and said that because of his age (17) his kidney would grow back. I'm nore sure if this is true because I have a sinking feeling that it's your liver (or something) that does that but for the sake of staying sane it's true in this story.**_

_**I am not going to comment on 'Desire'… **__**I didn't update yesterday because well I have a very big imagination and instead of a chapter you would have gotten '1000 to kill McJerk aka Derek Shepherd'. And I know a few of you are saying that she shouldn't have walked away and that she was being condescending all day, but in my mind you don't have sex with someone and then basically tell them that they are slowly sucking you dry. Why do these guys have the **__**worst**__** timing ever… wait I know… drama.**_

_**Reviews make me smile and have a look at my new oneshot!**_


	23. Chapter 23

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

_

* * *

Chapter __Twenty-Three_

* * *

After three hours of surgery, Maddie was back in ICU.

The surgery had gone a lot faster than expected, the resident (Dr Garden) who had preformed the surgery was well known for his speed but his accuracy didn't have the same rep.

In a perfect world, if my daughter had to have her kidney removed, Bailey or Burke would have been cutting not Garden but the world isn't perfect and as I sat by Maddie's beside, 3 hours into her recovery with just Mark by my side and I couldn't help but noticed my best friend's unwavering look as he watched my daughter's heart rate.

"Is there something you're not telling me?" I asked him, slightly annoyed that he wasn't sharing.

"Nope, not a thing, why would you ask something like that?" Ok Mark doesn't do jumpy.

"You haven't stopped looking at her heart monitor ever since you entered the room, call it a sixth sense".

He heavied loudly and buried his head in his heads, a typical Mark-under-pressure action.

"I have ridiculous concerns that won't do any good if I shared them with you"

"Why not?"

"Because you'll punch out the person responsible without considering that I'm just being unreasonable" he answered seriously.

"You're being serious so you're either going to hurt yourself or actually be right"

"Ok I'll tell you but you cannot get made at me, punch me or the any other human being, got it?"

"Mark, just tell me"

"The surgery went too fast, you know it, I know it, a fast surgery isn't a good surgery".

I stopped and bit my lip. He had a point.

"We wont know of any complications until after the post labs come back, or if she starts showing signs of kidney failure" I muddled out loud and Mark nodded his head in agreement.

"Hence the watching the heart monitor" he added with raised eyebrows and a pointed finger.

He really was an idiot sometimes.

"We can't tell Mer" I told him, knowing that we were on the same page.

Without speaking we had formed a plan. Sit and wait it out. If anything happened we would be prepared and there was no way that her lab results were going to indicate something bad without something fixing it; that someone being an attending, not a fast handed resident.

"Bastard" Mark cursed under his breath as I noticed Meredith through the glass.

"Is there any change?" she asked anxiously, strain evident in her voice and the stress lines that had started to appear on her face.

"Nope" Mark answered her as I pulled her into my lap and started to gently caress her bulging stomach.

"So have you got a name for my god son yet or are you going to go all royal on me and wait until the christening?"

The question was innocent enough until I realised that we hadn't discussed baby names, correction, we hadn't even thought baby names.

I could tell Meredith was having a similar thought to me but instead she sat down on the chair next to mine and taunted Mark with,

"How do you know it's a boy and who said anything about you and godfather in the same sentence?"

He smiled sarcastically. It still amazed me how Mark and Meredith just taunted each other continuously, I swear if she was a guy he would have ditched me ages ago.

"Goes without saying Grey, you should know that by now and of course it's a boy. It's the natural workings of mother natural, both sexes are equally numbered and since this hospital is basically drowning in estrogen a little kick of testostorone is in demand. You hold the power".

"I do do I? Well there's only one way to settle this. If we hurry we might be able to get Addison before she goes into surgery"

"Your on, call godfather when you discover that I'm right" I said standing up and picking up his jacket off the seat beside him.

Lack of testostorone my ass, Mark had enough to help us all.

"And when you see that I'm right that'll give you a free pass to an unlimited number of nappy changes when ever I want" Meredith repiled with as much competition and adreneline as Mark as she also stood up.

I can't believe that their both serious.

"Whoa, we decided that we would wait" I told her.

Mark snorted in the background but I ignored him as conflict broke out in Meredith's eyes. She was actually having an internal battle about whether she should go with Mark or side with me. That's love for you.

"I promise I wont tell you. Not one hint, I swear" She reasoned.

"Him grinning like a Cheshire cat on drugs will be a big enough hint when he finds out hes right, and what's this crap about him being godfather. He's worse than Yang!".

Her eyes darkened as she put her hands on her hips.

"You think it's a boy too, don't you".

Oh no, now I was in trouble. I smiled inoocently at her, pulling a all out McDreamy.

"He's rambling does make sense", maded Mark laugh with glee as we high-fived each other.

"I'm married to a five year old".

"Says you whose rushing up to maternity to settle a bet on the gender of our unborn child".

"Let's get out of here before you both kill me with your testestrone" Meredith muttered darkly as she waved her hand over her face.

Mark laughed again and pushed her gently out of the room. I chuckled at the sight of it until I noticed the small flicker of an eyelid.

"Mer, Meredith" I exclaimed, my heart in my throat.

My mind was playing tricks on me, it had to be.

"What, you want to raise the stacks" she asked, walking into the room but losing her playfully demendor as she saw me bent over the bed and pieced together was was happening.

"Mark paged someone" was all she could get out as she fell at Maddie's other side, took her free hand and joined me in coaxing her awake.

"Come on, baby, Mummy and Daddy are here" we told her continously for what felt like forever.

Ever time we spoke she would raise an eyelid tiredly and then drop it again.

Behind us a nurse dropped in, added something to her IV to help her out of it and rushed off to page someone else.

It was all a blur except for her eye's that mirrored mine.

Blue finally meet blue and I lost my breath.

She was awake.

* * *

_**Believe it or not but at times when your sitting by a comatose loved one conversation such as baby names do take place. When my grandmother was sick last year we would sit next to her bed and discuss what we were going to have for dinner or the fact that we needed to go underwear shopping; so normality meets something truly amazing like for the first time in six years seeing your daughter's eyes again.**_

_**Which is for me something I never planned to do and I'm going to be honest and say that originally Maddie was going to be found dead and then she wasn't going to make it through surgery and so I never pictured that I would write Maddie at all.**_

_**And if I really wanted to torture you I would have had her do what I really coma patient does. Did you know that they can actually talk and**__** be in a coma at the same time?**_

_**Next chapter may take a few days just because I have school again and I have an assessment every day. But this if you all reviewed I may be able to post the next one up faster.**_

_**Review!**_


	24. Chapter 24

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

_**Pre-Chapter**_

_**Confession: I was the biggest procrastinator with this chapter. I had no idea how I was going to write this because I didn't want to take the easy route and just skip ahead a few days, no I wanted to go right into the action and yeah explore all of that. I hope I did it, considering that I'm writing this when I haven't actually written the chapter yet… see I'm still kind of scared.**_

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty-Four_

* * *

Meredith was sobbing. 

Her beautiful greenish blue eyes were over run with tears of happiness as she ran her hand through Maddie's hair and kissed on the cheek.

Mark was sobbing.

The first time ever, the man whore who grew up in what he likes to call a 'rough neighbourhood' was sobbing like a baby, thanking the Lord for the miracle that he had just bestowed on us.

And I was sobbing.

In a way where I had no idea what was going on. The only thing I felt was this overwhelming sense of relief, and happiness. Hot tears of joy ran down my face and as nurses rushed in and out, checking stats and what not, everything went blurry and I became distinctly aware that I was shaking. And not because I was sick, I was shaking with the pure relief of what I saw in my baby girl's eyes.

Familiarity.

She knew who we were, and not only who we were but that we were her parents. Meredith had Maddie in what was basically a head lock, meets hug and she wasn't flinching and pulling back.

Someone else entered the room and I felt Mark leave my side but everything still felt like a blur. Time was standing still and I was all but too happy to be caught in the time warp.

What must have been 15 minutes but only felt like 5 minutes later Maddie lost the struggle with her eyelids and drifted back to sleep, the flustered nurses and constant hugging and crying had worn her down and without speaking a single word had slipped away again, but this time I was more than happy to watch her sleep, feeling lighter knowing that it wouldn't be the last time I would see her baby blues again.

"Someone told me she was awake" Izzie's voice whispered from the doorway.

Meredith smiled widely as she nodded and Izzie bounded in the room bringing her friend into a hug that spoke louder than words and stood at the end of Maddie's bed quietly watching the girl slumber.

"The others are on their way".

"Gardener hasn't even seen her yet" I told her, implying that filling a quarter of Seattle Grace's surgical team into this tiny ICU room wasn't the best idea.

"You try telling that to them" Meredith answered, a slight taste of bitterness evident in her voice but the small smile gave away her gratefulness.

In return Izzie swayed her hips and bumped Meredith playfully,

"Oh you love me" she taunted loudly as the rest of the ex intern gang appeared at the door.

"And you couldn't even send us a page. McSteamy knew first and he's the god-father of your unborn kid, not your first born, she's mine" Cristina said in her typically pissed off fashion but even she looked relieved.

"She's my god-daughter too you know" Burke added, also walking in the door.

"Mark Sloane is not going to be my baby's god-father" Meredith huffed, again taking Maddie's hand in hers, making Maddie stir in her sleep.

"Right" Alex muttered sarcastically.

"He's already ordered the buttons" George added, eyes focused on Maddie.

She was the first born out of all the children, before Cristina and Burke's two, before the O'Malley twins and Izzie and Alex's 3 year old son. She has grown up next to Cris in the OR Galley, had spent every single weekend before Christmas, Mother's Day and Father's Day out shopping with her Aunty Addison and Aunty Izzie for gifts for her parents and every Thanksgiving she was the one wedged in between the men whilst watching the yearly football game. Maddie was the brightest star and at that moment she was surrounded by her family, her family she hadn't known for six years.

Addison, Callie, Miranda and Richard had all returned with Mark and we were all swashed in this small room, conversing loudly to each other, crying and watching Maddie sleep, the young girl having no idea what so ever, the pain and anguish that she has caused each and everyone of us. Thank God that that's behind us now.

"Doesn't ICU stand for Intensive Care Unit, Intensive meaning limited visitors" Gardener's voice came from the room doors.

He was met with a bunch of grizzled replies. Mark sneered about the guy's rate of being laid (It went from 0.3 to non-existent), Cristina made a rude hand gesture that didn't go un-noticed and Richard looked personally offended.

"Look" he huffed with an arrogant roll of his eyes.

"I just need to do a quick examination, ten minutes tops and then you can all continue this little… party when Maddie's moved to a bigger room" he continued, opening the door for the never ending tango of people. Cristina was the only visitor to stay. Gardener pointed this out and she only replied with a skin peeling glare and a grunted,

"I'm the god-mother".

That was enough for him.

"Well Maddie's labs look good and everything had stabilised, that and the fact that she's regain consciousness I wouldn't be surprised if she was home by the end of the week".

"That soon?" I asked him, the anxiety evident in my voice and it caught the attention of both Meredith and Cristina.

Before Gardener had a chance to reply, the door opened and Mark slipped into the room,

"What? Yang get's to stay and poor old Marl gets kicked to the curb. I don't think so!" was all he said as he stood next to Cristina, folding his arms and trying to look menacing as he did. He failed and Cristina just raised her eyebrow smugly as Mark dropped his arms to his sides and huffed.

"Before Sloan barged in… Yes it possible that Maddie could be home in a week. That's only if everything continues to improve. If not she may be here for the better side of a month, but that's worse case scenario".

"Worse case scenario?" Mark asked from behind Gardener, as Cristina elbowed him in his side. They continued to glare at each other.

"I'll have to separate you two if you don't shut up and stop touching each other" Meredith criticised like a mother to her two young children. The both instantly moved away from each other.

"Worse case scenario is that she does relapse and her kidney doesn't grow back like it should. We have nothing to indicate that this is happening or is going to happen. But it does happen and it doesn't take long and it can happen up to 3 months after the operation, so it is something that does blind sight us".

"That's not going to happen right?" Cristina butted in, bitting her fingers and concern covering her face.

"Dr Yang, you know as well as me that I can't promise that, but at the sight indication of anything dodgy we'll act on it, don't worry Maddie's safe with me" He said with a smile before walking out of the room and leaving us all in silence.

Meredith went back to stroking Maddie's arm and Mark and Cristina returned to their glare-a-thon, that was until Cristina turned up her nose and choked,

"McSteamy just McFarted".

* * *

_**Post-Chapter**_

_**Ok, nothing big happened**__** and it was bit slow but you did get to see how tight knit they all are and there was some humour with Gardener's diagnosis. Mark farting? Totally random and not at all planned but Cristina and Mark are very in your face and basically had to be included. It isn't my favourite chapter but in my defence, in my head I'm thinking into the future and pondering a few things. This story is dark and twisty and you can assume nothing. That's all I'm going to say. **_

_**To answer your questions:**_

_**Meredith is 5mnths + pregnant, the reference a few chapters ago was my wanting to progress her pregnancy and this is me reversing that to slow down the pregnancy, I can't tell you why I want to slow it down, but I can say that the baby is a bright and shiny thing, and they need a bright and shiny thing.**_

_**The anonymous reader who suggested that Mer should be having twins had a good point with the whole bet thing. In a story I had planned ages ago Mer was pregnant with twins so I didn't want to repeat that but your idea would be interesting to see. She's past the 3mnths mark so they would know if it was twins or not.**_

_**Welcome to all of the new readers, I seem to be gaining more and more of you with every chapter, which trust me I'm not complaining about. The more the merrier I think.**_

_**I'm off to continue planning another story which is my first stab at humour; something light and not romantic and totally focused on the interns, in particular Meredith and Alex who in my mind are the only ones who could continue a prank war that's Cristina induced. If anyone's interested I'll post it soon, otherwise I'll just wait until I'm finished with this. **_

_**Cheer's Mel!**_


	25. Chapter 25

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty-Five_

* * *

"I've scheduled a psyche consult for Maddie" Gardener told me at the nurse's station.

"That's not necessary she's going well, and going home. There's no need for a shrink" I told him.

It had been five days since Maddie had woken up. Everything was looking up, she was eating and sitting up and her test results were positively positive, there was only one issue; she hadn't spoken.

My daughter who at the age of four had the ability to give me a migraine like no other migraine I had ever experienced before was not talking.

We tried coaxing her but all we got was a blank stare.

We tried asking her questions with another black stare.

Hell I was prepared to get on to my knees and beg her to talk but I'm pretty sure it would earn me a blank stare.

And it wasn't that she didn't know who we were because she did. Meredith had not left her bedside since Maddie had come too because Maddie wouldn't let her. She accepted hugs and kisses and ever single display of affection we could display on her but she was still mute.

A nurse had brought it to the attention of Gardener and he had preformed an exam to see if she had any damage to her vocal cords etc but it came back positively positive.

And I'm being positively positive. I am. Well trying to at least.

It's a bit hard too when your daughter who was and still is the apple of my eye develops a slither of uncertainty in her eyes when ever I'm close to her and who is refusing to talk.

Have I told you that my daughter's mute?

"Dr Shepherd I know this is hard for you but she needs the consult. Her not talking is clearly psychological not physical and I cannot give her the all clear to go home with you if she still hasn't been seen by someone. I'm sorry" he said roughly before walking off without giving me any time to argue or talk, or argue.

God I'm tired, and pissed.

I don't know why I'm pissed I'm just… well I'm acting like a pregnant women in Mark's words; which isn't funny because Meredith hasn't gone through the hormonally angry phase of her pregnancy yet and I know that's coming. Oh boy is it coming.

My pocket vibrated as another wave of tiredness flooded my body.

'Kathleen' flashed on the small screen and implanted a permanent scar on my brain. Great, all I needed now was a potentially pushy conversation with my pushy older sister who was a shrink and always a shrink.

"Kathleen, this isn't a really good time" I told her weakly, praying that she got the hint and left me alone.

"There is never a good time for you Derek. Can't a sister call her brother and ask him how her niece is doing?" Her voice was sympathetic; great my sister was expressing a deep level of sympathy for me. Now I understand why Meredith is so against it.

"She's ok and like I said it's not a good time".

"And why isn't it a good time? Is there an emergency concerning Maddie going on? Had Meredith gone into an early labour? Or do you just not to talk?" She asked her perfectly strong voice penetrated through my skull.

"I don't want to talk".

"You don't or can't. Derek this is a big thing, why do you feel like you can't talk?"

Great, the shrink's out.

"Tell mum that I love her and that I will call her when we know everything".

"You don't get off that easily Derek. I get it; you're scared and have no idea how to deal with this. Anyone who has been in your shoes would be feeling that exact same thing. I bet Meredith is".

"Yeah well the only difference between me and Meredith is that our daughter actually accepts her. From where I am standing that doesn't look too bad to me" I told her, bitterness taking over my voice.

Hang on, where did all this bitterness come from. Wait; am I actually jealous of my wife?

"Sorry that came out wrong, I'm tired and… I'm not jealous of Meredith, there's no way. I'm just… tired".

"Of course you're tired. It's been a long six years with Maddie disappearing and Meredith leaving and then Meredith returning and Maddie being discovered. And things aren't going to settle down either. You've got a baby coming and a child who will be forever scarred; the next few years aren't going to be easy Derek…"

"And don't you think I know that. And Maddie's not scarred she just doesn't feel like talking, like I don't feel like talking".

"No one goes through what Maddie's been though without making it to the other end without some form of battle scars. It's just the way that life works. And the sooner you realise that the better…" Her tone was condescending and it quickly got underneath my skin. How dare she? Where has she been the last couple of years, the lot of them? That's right, on the other side of the country where they are safe enough to avoid any kind of distress and pain.

"So you're saying that this is my fault", I was snarling now and people were looking. Whoop-de-friggin-do.

"Don't speak to me like that and stop being stupid! How can any of this be your fault, or Meredith's fault for that matter, you need to start looking at the bigger picture".

"And this is coming from therapist Kathleen? Or sister Kathleen?"

"Therapist Kathleen. Sister Kathleen is yelling at you to get off your lazy ass and be with your family" she told him lightly, making Derek fall against the wall laughing as he slid to the floor.

"I can do this can't I Kath?" Desperation hung uncomfortably in the air as I waited for her reply.

"Alone? No you can't. But together you and Meredith can get through this. You need her and she needs you, don't forget that otherwise you'll regret it" she said sternly before greeting him goodbye and hanging up.

Shutting my phone with a snap, I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes, fatigue raging war once again on my body.

"Hey there sunshine" Meredith's voice broke through the fog in my head.

Opening one eye slightly I saw her pregnant form join me on the floor and I felt her warm body press gently against mine.

Kathleen was right, I need her, always have and always will.

"I feel like I've been hit by a truck" I told her quietly, rubbing my eyes in a desperate attempt to wake myself up.

"Join the club. Your child's playing soccer with my kidneys, actually with all the flips she's doing I think it's more like rugby" she mused with her eyes closed and head resting on my shoulder.

"He" I corrected her, with my eyelids once again drooping down over my eyes.

"Don't start with me" she warned sternly, making me chuckle. She really was too cute.

"Since when did he become my child, this morning he was yours".

"She's yours when she's active".

"So you don't like the fact that our child is active?"

"When you have had a bowling ball occupying your uterus and actually feel the activeness of it all, that is when you get to comment. At the moment you don't get a say".

"My son is not a bowling ball".

"Like I said, don't start with me; you'll lose. And quite frankly men who cry are a turn off" she opened her eyes to see my response and I quickly put on my offended face.

"It was the one time, seriously!" Her laughter rang throughout the hospital walls and I felt oddly warm inside.

"You should get up and check on our daughter" she told me quietly.

"Why?"

"So that I can get up; I'm not as mobile as I used to be".

"I beg to disagree" I told her, getting to my feet and offering her my hand.

She took it was a smile.

"You coming?" Meredith asked, noticing that I wasn't moving towards Maddie's room.

"You know what; I'm hungry so I'm going to head off to the cafeteria can I get you anything" I told her, after a quick glance at Maddie's door. I wasn't ready to go back in there yet.

Meredith looked at me strangely but didn't comment.

"No thanks" her voice told me that she was on to me but I tried hard not to care as I walked off, leaving her alone in the hallway, confused and slightly hurt.

* * *

_**Saying that I wasn't disappointed with Thursday's (Friday's for me :P) episode would be lie. I thought that Private Practice looked ok but it was lacking and the whole patient love triangle was confusing. Besides this is Grey's Anatomy and it was non-existent. The whole flow of the show was wrecked and the only funny bridesmaid scene was given away in the sneak peek. Anyway they have two episodes to make up for it I guess. **_

_**Posted the other story so have a look at that; it's entirely different to this but it's humorous and humour is the spice of life.**_

_**Review!**_


	26. Chapter 26

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty-Six_

* * *

"Hello Maddie, my name is Sandra. It's nice to meet you" 

Dr Sandra Armstrong got no response from Maddie who just sat down on the miniature stool that had been painted a festive shade of orange.

I put all of my weight on the solid wall as I learnt forward and took a deep breath. I still wasn't comfortable with this.

Meredith, who was standing next to me, put her hand on my back and glided it up and down gently. The past two days I had spent making up excuses and reasons as to why Maddie seeing Armstrong was not a good idea. I hadn't actually voiced my concerns to anything but Meredith had seemed to work to work out what my issue was early on. Although she never said anything, whenever the topic came up and my fists clenched I always felt her hands cover mine and a quite, "Relax" in my ear. She was always good at reading people.

I didn't possess her gift of reading complete strangers but I could read Meredith. And single move, every single look, every single breath she had taken since the elevator ride up to the psyche ward had been tense. She was frustrated and I couldn't blame her.

Through the clear glass we both watched as Maddie continued to ignore Sandra and instead focused all of her attention to the coloured crayons and paper in front of her.

"Can you draw me a picture Maddie?" she asked, moving on to a different option.

Maddie nodded her head gently, sending her auburn curls flying as she crinkled her face in concentration.

"She's got your stubbornness" Meredith told me offhandedly.

"I could have shown that was one of your qualities".

"Nope, that ones yours".

"So she gets the not talking from you?" The words tumbled out of my mouth so naturally and carelessly that I barely noticed.

Meredith flinched slightly but then lightly replied,

"Right, and your the poster boy for communicating aren't you?"

I chuckled at her retort as Maddie finished her picture and held it out for Sandra.

She was no longer my baby princess who would sit on my lap and beg me to re-read her favourite bedtime story one more time, nor the little girl who, when I'd skip a page of the story, would bolt up in bed and criticise me for missing a part. Now she was a girl who was three years shy of being a teenager and who was a complete mystery to me.

I couldn't take her home and take care of her like the last couple of years hadn't happened. I didn't know how to take care of her, Meredith didn't know how to take care of her, WE didn't know how to take care of her.

"Is this the house that you were staying in?" Sandra asked the girl as she held up the drawing, allowing Meredith and I a small glance from behind the glass panel.

Maddie had drawn a big brown shack of a house, with trees and other plants surrounding it. Next to the house there was four little figures, two with brown hair and two with blonde.

Maddie ignored Sandra and continued to draw on a separate piece of paper.

"You're not going to get into any trouble for telling me anything Maddie. You can trust me. You are safe here with me and with your parents… do you remember your parents?" Sandra asked the young girl attentively, feeling like she was walking on egg shells.

Maddie dropped the red crayon on the table and looked at Sandra as she nodded her head.

"Who are your parents?"

Maddie pointed her index finger to the clear glass panels, to where Meredith and I were sitting.

My heart was in my throat was she looked at us, showing that she identified us as her parents. I felt like my heart was bleeding with anticipation, maybe Sandra could actually get Maddie to open up.

"Do you have any friends Maddie?" Sandra pressed, silently urging the girl to talk.

Maddie didn't nod her head, but she didn't speak either. Nudging Sandra's hand away from the picture she has drawn of the house, Maddie pointed to the four girls

"What are their names?"

Maddie paused, and I felt my breath catch in my chest. Slowly Maddie parted her lips and Meredith grabbed my hand with such force that I knew there were half moon nail marks on my hand.

Anticipation made the air thick as we waited for Maddie to talk.

A small moan left her lips and in horror she shut her mouth and pushed the chair away from Sandra which such force that the chair fell to the floor with a sharp crack.

"It's ok Maddie, you don't have to talk if you don't want to" Sandra told Maddie whose eyes were wide with fright as her bottom lip trembled.

Beside me I felt Meredith tremble and pull away, I felt used in some way. We were so close until everything had fallen to crap… again.

Maddie was distraught and another pain echoed through my heart as I watched the scene play out in front of me. She was helpless in the situation, the thin sheet of glass separated me from her and there was no way that I could help her.

"She has to stop it. She hurting her, can't she see that she's hurting her" Meredith mumbled in the distance.

She was pacing behind me, face crinkled and she attempted to fight back tears and she was clutching her stomach, protecting the baby from the pain the rest of its family were feeling.

"She's going to be ok" I told her quietly, turning my back on the glass window and fighting back the sounds of Sandra and Maddie to the back of my head.

"You were right, this was a bad idea. It's causing her pain… and we… we have to stop it" she argued, battling with her non-existent tears and me at the same time. She appeared to be on the verge of hyperventilation and my heart rate called high yet again.

"That was just me being stupid. Look she's ok Mer. Maddie's going to be ok. We're going to be ok" I told her, my arms guiding her body so that she could see through the glass where Maddie and Sandra were both now sitting back in their respective seats.

"Breathe" I whispered to her and she closed her eyes and listened to me.

Closing my eyes I heard her breathing settle down slowly. Each breath slowly brought her back down.

The door clicked open and Sandra walked into the room.

"She's obviously not talking for a reason and I'm guessing that it's been a while since she has actually spoken to anyone" she started, looking unsure at the two of us.

"Can she still come home?" Meredith asked her brokenly, small tears making their way to her eyes.

Sandra's lips pursed.

"We can give it a shot. No harm no foul I guess but she will have to have therapy a couple of times a week. And I think that you both should look into some sort of counselling".

"What?" I asked her, taken off guard by her recommendation. Had she been analysing us the entire time.

"It's nothing personal or me saying that you're instable or anything like that. Your situation is very unique and very… what's the right word? Draining and well very tough as you both know. Even if it's only that one session that you go to it'll do you a lot of good to just talk to someone that you have no personal attachments to"

Both of our faces must have looked insulted or shocked because Sandra looked like she immediately regretted ever bring up the subjects, in fact she looked a little embarrassed.

"It's just a thought. I'm not saying that you should, I'm just saying think about it. Maddie can be discharged as long as you make an appointment for her within the next three days".

With that she walked out of the room and left Meredith and I alone.

"We should go and get her" Meredith said breaking the silence after a minutes pause.

"You go ahead" I told her quietly.

She sent me a look before walking out and all of a sudden I was alone.

Maddie was coming home.

* * *

_**8**__** reviews… wow can you feel the love.**_

_**I would have posted this sooner but after the last episode… I really didn't feel like it. Cristina was annoying me with the whole not dealing with Meredith thing, she wasn't doing what was best for Mer, she just couldn't be bothered and didn't know how to. George, bless his soul, won a few brownie points with me because even though he does tend to get on my nerves especially with the Izzie/Sex/Meredith/Callie drama but he was doing Derek and Cristina's job. If I continued my rant well half of you won't tune in next time, so I will hold off until after the season final and give them one more hour to change my mind about Season Three.**_

**_Anyway a bright and cheery Happy Mother's Day to any mum's who are reading!_**

**_A large bow of Roses chocolates for everyone who reviews in the spirt of the occassion._**


	27. Chapter 27

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

_**PART TROIS**_

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty-Seven_

* * *

Mum held my hand as we walked out of the hospital. The sun hit me for the first time in two (or was it three?) weeks and the wind made me shiver. I missed being out doors, it was after all my favourite place to be. 

Dad was walking behind us, quietly carrying my small sports bag filled with clothing collected over my hospital stay and medicine of various sorts. The doctor was clear on that. I would get sick again if I didn't take my medicine.

The car ride was a new experience. I don't know how to explain it but experiencing something to you were meant to experience every single day of your life thrilled me and scared me at the same time. The way that the tree leaves rustled as our car pulled up in a driveway, the barking of the dog in the backyard and the sound of the front gate opening were all something that I remembered slightly, they were slightly familiar and slightly comforting, as if I could be doing this and coming home to this place every single day for the rest of my life. The idea of that made me feel warm in side.

Apparently it didn't have the same effect on my parents though. Their faces were tense as we walked to the front door and no words were exchanged as the key went in the key hole. Not talking is my thing, not theirs.

Inside a loud chorus of 'Welcome Home Maddie' filled the air and people filled every available floor space of the house. People that I didn't know, people who were younger than me, people that were older than me and looked at me with the same love in their eyes as I saw in mum's.

I think this is my family.

Sure I've re-meet Aunt Izzie, Aunt Cris, Uncle Burke, Uncle George, Uncle Alex, Aunt Addie, Uncle Mark and Grandpa Richard but the rest and all the children were total strangers.

They knew who I was though.

"Come on Maddie, Let's go and play" screamed two young boys who grabbed my hands and pulled me away from everyone else with a loud joyful scream.

I turned the mum to ask for silent permission and with a warm but forced smile she urged me on and off I went, not by free will of course, but instead by the will of two boys I later discovered were Adam and Justin, Uncle George and Aunt Callie's twin boys.

If I hadn't willed myself to silence I would have screamed at them to let go. Dragging me upstairs I made it to the landing unhurt and the boys let their pudgy little hands go of my hands and walked off slowly.

"Dat's your room" one of them said, pointing to a white door.

I was shaking slightly as I walked up to the door. I had a room?

The door creaked with dust as it opened and I was greeted with pink. It was everywhere and I was instantly transfixed by all the toys, pictures, books and paintings that had been hung up on the wall, slightly yellow by the years that had gone by.

"You've found your room!"

Aunt Izzie had followed me in to my room and now stood in the doorway, watching with careful eyes while the rest of her face was alight. I don't think she's changed.

"It's the same as it was before… your parents couldn't change it, no matter how much other people told them they had to, this was always your room. Even now with your little brother or sister on the way. If you want, me and your mum can go shopping, with you, in a few days, to get you some new clothes, new toys, new bed, anything", her eyes were wide as she talked and I could tell that she was nervous by the way that her smile extended the entire length of her gums and showed off her porcelain white molars.

I just stood looking at her blankly not really sure what to do. My fingers played with a stuffed bear which I could briefly remember vomiting over as a young child. His once midnight nose was now scratched white and his eyes were clipped, giving him a trance like look. This bear meant something to me, I could feel it. He's smell brought me back to yesterday as if nothing had happened and I still didn't know the meaning of lost.

"You know your mum comes in here a lot" Izzie told me, I jumped slightly having spaced out and forgotten that she was still here. She had moved from the doorway and now sat sophisticatedly on the edge of the pink quilt that rested on my bed.

"You can't tell because of some of the dust but whenever she gets sad this is the place she always runs to. I'm not sure what your dad does but they both love you so much. You're lucky to have them both together".

I still felt awkward as she sat there telling me all of these personal details about my parent's life. One thing I had learnt growing up was to not get personal. Getting personal with someone would only result in getting hurt. And I didn't want my parents to get hurt. They didn't deserve that.

Izzie was now looking at her shoes; I guess she didn't know what to say. People get like that around me. It's hard to have a conversation with someone who doesn't talk and if Izzie were to walk out of the room without a word I honestly wouldn't care. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Dinner should be ready by now, you feel up to eating?"

I nodded eagerly as my stomach rumbled and Izzie looked excited and relieved at the same time. She ushered me out of my room and guided my downstairs and into the living room by placing each hand on one of my shoulders and gently pushing me ahead.

"Look who I found, everyone" she exclaimed as the dinner table and the crowd of people who were either sitting at the table or walking around the table came into view and everyone stopped, smiled widely and went back to their conversations. It was kind of surreal.

"Come and sit with my honey" Mum said, appearing by my side as soon as I had appeared in the room. She looked unbalance with her stomach pushing her red shirt to its limits and the overfull bowl of salad in one of her hands.

She took me hand into her hands as Izzie dropped her grip on my shoulder and lead me over to two empty seats, right next to dad.

The twins were sitting across from me, bookmarked between both of their parents and as I awkwardly pulled the teak chair back and sat down they each made a face that didn't go unnoticed by their parents as they each other a slap on the wrist. I heard my mum giggled softly and my dad make a comment but I guess I had another zone out moment. It was like I was someone else, watching me from a distance try and blend in with these people who were already comfortable with each other, they already gelled together smoothly as a family should; they didn't need me.

Dinner went on the same. It was loud and crowded to say the least. The twins had received two more slaps on the wrists each, someone had thrown something, someone else had made an inappropriate comment that had caused a moment or two's silence and someone else had drunken the last bottle of wine. The cleaning up took longer than the actual meal and Izzie had baked two chocolate cakes that were instantly destroyed by the children and men. Finally they had all gone home.

The house was a strange silent. It was almost like it was asleep even though it's occupants were still wide awake and cleaning up after the mess. Dad was somewhere in the kitchen when mum asked me if I was tired.

I really wasn't but dad hadn't said anything to me since I had arrived home and mum was still distant even through all her motherly attempts. She was nervous about this; me being home. So I nodded and she walked me up stairs.

"We can go shopping tomorrow maybe, for some new clothes and other things. You don't have to keep your room like this, we just thought that you would want to chose what you liked and didn't like. We want you to feel comfortable in your own home" she told me nervously as she opened the door and I was once again in the pink room,

"I also thought you might want to help me decorate the baby's room. I'm not good at that kind of thing and when Izzie had Kayla, Taylor was really into decorating and picking out clothes so that should be fun".

She continued to talk as I sat down on the bed and watched as she pulled out my pyjamas from my hospital bag and handed them to me.

"I'll put these dirty clothes in the wash while you get changed. I'll be right back, kay?"

She walked out and I changed, grateful that I was once again alone.

She returned and I bounced into the bed, my chest tingled as I realised how soft and warm the sheets were.

"Interested in a book?" she asked, perching herself on the side of my bed and holding out a book of interest; 'Sleeping Beauty'.

My eyes went alight and I smiled giving her the cue to continue. Mum smiled and shuffled herself more onto the bed as she began to read.

"Once upon a time there were a king and queen who said every day, "Ah, if only we had a child," but they never had one.

But it happened that once when the queen was bathing, a frog crept out of the water on to the land, and said to her, "Your wish shall be fulfilled, before a year has gone by, you shall have a daughter."

What the frog had said came true, and the queen had a little girl who was so pretty that the king could not contain himself for joy, and ordered a great feast. He invited not only his kindred, friends and acquaintances, but also the wise women, in order that they might be kind and well-disposed towards the child. There were thirteen of them in his kingdom, but, as he had only twelve golden plates for them to eat out of, one of them had to be left at home.

The feast was held with all manner of splendor and when it came to an end the wise women bestowed their magic gifts upon the baby - one gave virtue, another beauty, a third riches, and so on with everything in the world that one can wish for.

When eleven of them had made their promises, suddenly the thirteenth came in. She wished to avenge herself for not having been invited, and without greeting, or even looking at anyone, she cried with a loud voice, "The king's daughter shall in her fifteenth year prick herself with a spindle, and fall down dead." And, without saying a word more, she turned round and left the room.

They were all shocked, but the twelfth, whose good wish still remained unspoken, came forward, and as she could not undo the evil sentence, but only soften it, she said, it shall not be death, but a deep sleep of a hundred years, into which the princess shall fall… ".

She stopped reading and saw that my eyes were closed and body was still. Smiling softly she leant over and kissed my forehead.

"Night night, my sleeping beauty".

Next the door was closed and I was plunged into total darkness. Muffled voices of my parents echoed through the walls and only lasted a few minutes as there was another click and the last light in the house disappeared.

Anxiety started to weave its way into my chest and I gripped the old tattered bear closer to me. I was used to the dark but not this kind of dark. The bed was too soft, I was too warm and nothing seemed right.

Forever passed and I finally had had enough, throwing the covers off and I left the bear in the bed and padded out of the room and into the hallway. My parent's room was further down the hall which I was glad for, I didn't want them at the moment.

Something moved near the stairs and my spine tingled as I tried to stay still. They didn't stop. Something was moving closer towards me, out of the dark shadows and into the moonlight.

It was the dog. He's eyes were dancing with joy and he bolted towards me and licked my face.

Pushing the dog away walked towards the stairs and stubbornly sat on the top step, feeling miserable and cold.

The dog followed me and rested his head on my lap when I sat down. Begrudgingly my fingers played with the soft silk of his ears as tears silently fell down my face.

I really was alone.

* * *

_**Sorry if I offended some of you with the 8 reviews thing, that was me being mean and wanting to know if you were all still keen and interested. Glad to see that you still are! Thankyou for the lovely reviews! I made sure that I answered all of them before I started to write this.**_

_**In case you didn't notice, we've moved out of Meredith's head, to Derek's head and now we're in Maddie's head. Why; because with every new stage in this story we look at someone else. We started with Meredith and her returning to Seattle and then three years later with Derek dealing with his guilt over giving up on Maddie too early and now we have Maddie who for the first time in six years has returned home. **_

_**So welcome to the next stage of 'How to be Dead', Part Trois (3). s I plan on bringing things full circle, I don't know how but somehow I will. /s That was until Shonda brought everything 'full circle' with that season final. That worked well didn't it.**_

_**I think writers need a holiday to regather themselves and to maybe even reflect on season three… how they hell could they break up Meredith and Derek! This is the reason why this update took so long… I am still in shock.**_

_**If you have any spare time and want a story to read please h**__**ave a look at 'We didn't do it'; my poor baby fic is lonely, (kind of sort of) and well it needs some friends.**_

_**Review!**_


	28. Chapter 28

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty-Eight_

* * *

"Your mum is needed at the hospital" Dad tells me stiffly as I walk into the kitchen and drop into one of the chairs at the breakfast bar. He states it like it's an answer to my unasked question as to why it's only the two of us.

I give him no sign of confirmation and instead just sit there lifelessly, still half asleep and too tired to care.

He turns around his position over the sink and places a bowl in front of me, reaches in the pantry and then fills the bowl with muesli and milk, the whole time not looking at me and not speaking to me.

"Eat up".

I stare at the brown much in front of me blankly; did he really expect me to eat this? The white milk was making a striking contrast to the dark brown muck and I could practically feel the nausea building up in my stomach.

"You don't like muesli?" he asked, slightly exasperated but still formally kind.

"That's ok then, I'm sure Meredith, your mum, has something else you'll like. She doesn't like muesli either" he told me as if my dislike for the cereal was explained by my mother's dislike for it. He shuffled through the pantry as what I guessed to be the doorbell rang throughout the house.

Dad poked his head out, muttered something quietly under his breath and walked out of the kitchen, his pyjama bottoms hung low on his hips and his navy blue pyjama top was creased from a restless night's sleep.

I could hear dad open the door, his deep voice drifted into the kitchen as he spoke and his voice was soon accompanied by two other deep male voices, that seemed new but also familiar. Were they family members I hadn't been re-acquainted with yet?

The voices continued to murmur, the tone I recognised to be my father's rose to a hostile level but the words still seemed blurred. Curiously, I moved forward on the chair and strained my ears to hear what they were saying. It didn't help any so I leant further forward only to lose my control. I fell to the floor with a loud clatter as the chair followed me.

"Maddie? Are you ok?" My father's voice came from the kitchen doorway and the worry in his voice made my cringe and my heart swell at the same time.

"Did you hit your head?" he asked again, the formal tone of his voice forgotten and the worry stayed as he bent down to my level and placed his hands on various parts of my head, checking for any problems I guess, but I am fine.

Two men had now appeared in the doorway, dad was oblivious to them as his back was turned on them and his focus on me but I could see them.

"Does it hurt anywhere? Are you sure you're fine?" He rambled, running his questions together making it impossible for anyone of clearly answer him.

"Fine" I mumbled quietly and his hands froze. His face was paralysed and his skin had gone cold. It took him a moment to recover from the shock and even then he repeated his question.

His eyes bore into mine and I knew that he had heard me. Suddenly repeating my one syllable response didn't seem like a good idea. So instead I nodded my head and watched his face tire with disappointment. He stood to his feet, turned to acknowledge the men and helped me to my feet.

"Is there anything I can help you with" he asked the men tired, and once again my curiosity peaked.

One of the men ignored him and walked straight over to me with a smile on his face.

"Hi Maddie. My name is Steve and I'm a police officer. Can I ask you some questions?" his tone was sweet and his face was nice but I didn't like the feel of him. He was fake and I could tell by the way he smiled and the way he looked at me. There was no way that I was going to talk for this man; I wasn't going to talk for anyone.

"She doesn't want to talk to you, even if she was talking. Now can you leave us alone. You've done your part, she's home now. Let it be" saying that my dad looked unhappy is an understatement. He was mad and the glint in his eye resembled something I had seen too often.

Before I knew what was going on my chair clattered to the ground and I was out the back door with the bang of the fly screen door (A/N: Do they have fly screens in America? Just a random thought) and the distorted shouts of 'Maddie' and 'She's doing a run-a'.

**"I told you, no talking!"**

**Her cheek was one fire from the slap and my eyes prickled but the other's were watching so she wouldn't cry. She would never cry.**

"**Say another word and that will be the least of your problems you brat!"**

**The plate shattered into a million pieces as it collided with the floor and the man with a man glint in his eyes flung his hand again and another plate smashed. The vegetables and muck also tangling with the specks of china, staining the ground as the gravy pooled on the old plastic tiles.**

"**Clean it up" he shouted before walking out of the room, dragging the disciplined girl by the ear as he stormed out of the room, slamming the door as he went.**

**Walking down the dirty hallway he dragged the little girl by the ear, her sniffles and cries of pain were kept silent as her teeth gripped her lip in vain attempt to keep herself quiet; he hated noise.**

**Tripping over something the man left her ear go and she ran. **

**Without realising it the young girl was outside and running for the nearest shelter that came in the form of an overgrown bush.**

**Dropping to her knees, pain shot up her legs and her breath was ragged as she crawled under the bush and pulled her legs closer to her body, with her other hand over her mouth to keep her breathing quiet.**

**Heavy footprints came closer to her bush as she started to shiver with anticipation.**

**She could see his feet now, there were right there and next would be his hand bushing the bush apart to reveal her tear ridden face.**

**His hand was now clawing at the bush and sunlight was breaking through.**

**She could him from torso down now, she was in trouble now… **

"Maddie are you ok?" my father's voice broke through and all of a sudden I was aware of my surrounding.

I was in a bush, mud stained my pyjamas and my hand was over my mouth trying to silence my screams.

I was screaming but I wasn't sure why. Panic was heavy on my chest as I struggled to breath and dad once again pulled me into her his arms and started to pat my hair off my forehead, whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

I knew that he would never admit to it but there were tears in his eyes and his face was white as he hugged me tighter and tighter.

"Can you please just go both of you" he shouted angrily at the men before turning his attention back to me.

* * *

**Bold indicates flashback.**

_**I hate to say this, but I only have three weeks left to finish this story and my other one (We Didn't Do It) because in four weeks my second term at school finishes and I'm going to be overseas for the entire three weeks (yay), which means that if this story isn't finished in four weeks we'll you guys will have to wait three weeks for a new chapter and that sucks. So as a work through my mess of assessments at other school work I am trying my hardest to complete this with the same quality and creativeness as I have with the current chapters.**_

_**Basically what I'm saying is that you should expect more updates being posted closer together and I would really appreciate your reviews and you all nagging me to post the next chapter because otherwise I won't get this finished in time.**_

_**This chapter took a while because I basically got half way and scratched the whole idea. In the beginning Maddie was going to relive her kidnapping but I decided since I few of your commented that she would be more traumatised than she appears so give you all an insight into what Maddie had been living with for six years, in small bits so that I didn't turn or offend anyone.**_

_**Please have a look at my other story 'We Didn't Do It'… last chapter only got 3 reviews so if I don't get anymore people reading I'll just delete it.**_

_**Review!**_


	29. Chapter 29

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Twenty-Nine_

* * *

"What do you mean she spoke?" mum's voice broke through the silence. She had come home late, after I had already gone to bed and dad had turned all the lights off downstairs.

I heard the opening of the front door through the darkness and her footsteps on the carpet as she went straight to her bedroom and the dread started to build up in my stomach as my parent's conversation travelling into my room and filled the air around me.

To say that I was ashamed at this morning's incident was an understatement because I was horrified, and confused at the same time. I didn't want to screw this whole thing up by running away the moment someone got angry; I didn't want to be that screwed up kid who couldn't deal. I was fine, honestly I'm better than I have been for ages, and I have no idea what he was going on about. The entire afternoon dad had treated me like glass. As soon as the whole shock of me running had passed the gentle tone had dropped and the formal tone had returned. And I'm not saying that the formal tone wasn't nice. It was polite and caring when it had to be caring but it was nothing to what I remember my father to me. Sure mum had also changed, she seemed more careful and uncertain but dad wasn't the dad I remember.

I remembered laughter and being outside. He hasn't laughed once since I've been home (which I know has only been just over a day) and as soon as he knew that I was okay he spent his time in his study.

"She fell of her chair this morning and she said she was fine. Well she whispered it. But still she did say it".

"Why did she fall off the chair?"

"Not sure, I was talking to the detectives out the front when it happened".

There was a pause and I could just picture her stopping whatever she was doing to turn in look at dad, who I pictured was lying on the bed with a book or something. I could see mum's eyes squint in confusion and dad's look of uncertainty.

"Wait, why were they here. I thought the hospital was the last time we were going to see them"

"Me too, but apparently, they had something different in mind. They still want her to stand trial".

"She isn't talking, she can't stand trial".

"She talked this morning. They may not have heard her but I did".

Mum paused and silence rang throughout the house, echoing harshly through my ears and my head. It felt like forever when the sound of her voice filled my room once again.

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean? Of course I'm sure. I think I know when my own daughter talks". He sounded hurt and annoyed now, but it was nothing like when we were talking to those two men this morning. It sounded more personal, and I wasn't the only one to figure this out.

"Derek, don't take this as a personal attack. All I'm saying is that Maddie hasn't spoken for God knows how long. Are you one hundred percent sure that she spoken?"

"Yes".

Mum sighed again and there was a shuffle of clothes being moved.

"Then I believe you. She spoke".

"She spoke".

Silence once again filled the house until it was once again disturbed by mum.

"What happened?"

"What happened when?"

"After Maddie spoke. Something must have happened because you're defensive and doing that eye twitchy thing".

"She had a tiny, slightly small, freak out".

"Define freak out".

"She ran out of the house, hid in a bush and started screaming".

"What?"

"Meredith relax, she's ok now".

"Relax, you've just told me that my baby girl ran out of the house screaming because of nothing!"

"There was some yelling on my behalf, but it wasn't directed to her. It was me to the detectives and she just… I don't know that happened. One second she was there, the next she wasn't".

"So your yelling triggered it? Maybe we should make her an appointment? With Tanya at the hospital?"

"No, she's already seen a shrink and it didn't do any good".

"It takes more than one session Derek".

"I know that Meredith".

"Well then why are you so hell bent on her not going?"

Mum had raised her voice and a hint of anger had wriggled its way into her tone. All of a sudden I became very self conscious that I was listening to their personal conversation… about me. I didn't want to go and see some person at the hospital. The hospital smelt and was cold. I wanted to stay here.

"Because, she's out daughter Meredith and I don't want some shrink poking and prodding her for information that _might _help her. It's ridiculous and unnecessary"

"What's ridiculous and unnecessary is the way you're behaving. If she was internally bleeding you wouldn't think twice about having someone operate her to fix it. So why are so against someone talking to her?"

"It's not the same thing. It's not life threatening"

"Yes it is. It's exactly thing. What happens when she's in her twenties and can't have a normal social life because of what happened? In few years she'll be in high school. What happens if something else triggers something that happened and she falls apart mentally?"

Another period of silence followed her statement and I could feel my stomach churn with what I could only assume was fear and a bit of guilt. I could hear dad breath deeply and mum was fiddling with something else that sounded like the quit cover of their bed.

"I don't to lose her again. I can't lose her again"

"You're not going to lose her again. I just think that it's better if we did this. I don't her to repress it. I repressed things at her age that weren't half as bad as what Maddie's dealt with and you can account for the troubles it's caused me still"

Dad laughed quietly and the familiar sound made my smile slightly.

"And besides…" Mum spoke again, her voice now light instead of tired and angry.

"In a few months well be dealing with a baby and it's going to chaos and I want Maddie to enjoy her baby brother of sister without all this… stuff going on".

"Yeah?"

"Yeah"

"Well start off slow then, with the meeting with the principle tomorrow and see where is goes from there"

"Sounds like a good idea"

"Where are you going" Dad asked after a brief lapse in silence.

Mum didn't reply but I didn't have to wait long to find out where she went. My bedroom door creaked in and my body went paralysed as she walked over to my bed, leant down to kiss me on my forehead.

"Nite, nite baby girl" she whispered, before walked away and closing the door.

* * *

_**This chapter is just mainly dialogue between Meredith and Derek. They've matured and do talk. But they aren't always entirely open **__**with each other, like Derek with the Maddie incident. He didn't want to worry Meredith so the plan was to let it slide. But my Meredith knows her Derek and well, she found out. And Derek's also worried about her going to see a therapist and Meredith wants her to get help so that she isn't damaged and even refers back to herself with her own problems. So they've decided to start small with a meeting with a school principle which Derek seems ok with.**_

_**And Maddie heard all of this. She's going to hear a lot of things that will not make sense to her but hopefully you'll all understand.**_

_**This was a filler chapter and next chapter things will pick up, if my school work keeps going the way it is, chapter thirty (!) will be up soon.**_

_**Review!**_


	30. Chapter 30

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Thirty_

* * *

"Normally we wouldn't bring students in halfway through the school term and especially students with no prior record of schooling, but under the circumstances we are willing to make an exception" headmaster Charleston spoke, fiddling with the frameless spectacles in his hands.

Four hours we had been in the office and only one hour in total had been discussing my possible placement in the school as a student. The other three hours I had been bent over shuffling through tests from each different grade, answering questions that I knew and questions that I didn't know to see if I really was a retarded as they thought I was.

Kindergarten tests where I had to join capital letter with its lower case letter to Year Four tests where I was quizzed on long division and who were on the 10 dollar bill; I had done more tests than I had done in my entire life.

This man is acting like I have gone through my entire life with absolutely no schooling? Of course I have only ever been home schooled and I'm not talking so I can't verballing tell him that he's wrong but still! I know what C-A-T spells!

"You're saying that you're accepting Maddie's application" my mother replied, the relief and shock in her voice was almost as addictive as her laugh, which over the past week I had leant was very addictive, especially to my father.

"We are thrilled to have Maddie as our latest student. She will of course have to be placed down a grade. We have a wide mixture of students in Year Three so she should have no problem fitting in. It's just a precaution and of course along with that she will have help outside the classroom from other teachers, such as reading recovery etc".

"Of course" mum echoed, shrugging her shoulders as if that extra bit was a given.

"The other facility we can offer is counselling. Normally we don't offer new students this until they show some sign of distress or social awkwardness but in Maddie's case I think it's best if she sees our counsellor weekly at the very least".

"Counselling?"

"Now I appreciate that you are having her counselled outside of school and I'm behind that one hundred percent but one of the benefits of having our counsellor sit down with her is that we can help enforce and track her progress".

"You, you want to her to have counselling… here?" mum stuttered, shocked more than anything.

"Of course! It would be neglectful for us to not discuss the possibility. It is our right to take care of our students, a right that we take seriously".

"I sure that you do, it's just that I really should talk to my husband before we open that can of worms"

"You haven't had her counselled?"

"Of course Maddie has seen someone a few times and progress has been made, we just don't… the topic is still tender at the moment. I need to talk to my husband first before I take up your offer" Mum answered, nervous now instead of shocked and she put her hand on mine for support as she spoke. Her cold hand tingled on top of my warm hand for a minute or so until she removed it.

"Naturally. No matter what you decide though, Maddie will have to undertake one mandatory session when she starts next Monday, is that ok Maddie?".

The question was directed at me and caught me off guard. I quickly sent mum a glance before turning back to the headmaster and nodding my head in agreement.

"You're very quiet aren't you? That's ok, I'm sure you'll have heaps of friends by this time next week".

I smiled weakly back at him.

Barely two hours later I sorting my way through piles of towels and flannel sheets.

"Which one? The pink or yellow?" Izzie asked, pursing her lips as she stared into the mirror, holding the different clear packages up to her face.

"Their sheets" mum replied, squinting her eyes, confused at why she was acting so serious.

"Hello, potentially life altering decision here" she replied, rolling her eyes at my mum's back and pullinging a face at me.

I giggled in return and pointed to the yellow sheets.

"You think the yellow? Yeah me too, it more spring-ish"

"Spring-ish? That's not even a word, and again their sheets".

"This is why I don't shop with your mother" Izzie told me clutching the yellow sheets under her arm and discarding the pink set.

"Alex is cool with sleeping pink and yellow sheets?"

"He's a man" Izzie replied with a shrug, "He doesn't seem that affected"

"And in a few years time when he leaves you for a guy he met at Joe's you're going to stick by that, it had nothing to do with the sheets?"

Izzie snorted.

"My man's not crossing to the other side anytime soon, but maybe I should get the green instead"

"What too much yellow?"

"No, too much floral"

Mum laughed as Izzie's mobile phone rang and she answered with a big smile and coy 'hi there'.

"Oh God, her she goes" mum mutters underneath her breath loud enough for Izzie to hear.

"Says she the pregnant one, so what are you doing baby?" Izzie asked in the phone as she walked away from the two of us and mum rolled her eyes ruefully.

"We should move along, Izzie might be a while" Mum told me calmly as her mobile as rang and she answered it with a simple 'Hey'.

She was talking to my dad, I could tell by the way her eyes danced as she spoke and they way her tone was relaxed and non-sarcastic as it tended to be around Izzie and such.

"What do you mean he was shot? Are you serious? What does this mean? Is there still going to be a trail? Is he dead? Calm down? Don't tell me to calm down! You've just told me that my daughter's kidnapper was shot by a father of one of the girl he kidnapped, what do you expect me to do, scream with joy?"

She was silent for half a second until she started on with her next ramble.

"Why didn't they take him to Seattle Grace? Mercy West isn't as… of course I don't like this guy, but that doesn't mean I want him dead!... Are they going to call when they get news of how he is doing?... What going to happen to Brewer?... Well he did shoot him, I doubt that the police are going to high five him and chip in for free tequila shots are the local bar… ok I'll talk to you later, but call me if you hear anything else".

"What was that all about, I could hear you rambling from the other side of the store" Izzie told mum, returning to the group as mum ended the call

"Umm well" she started but them looked at me and refrained from continuing her sentence,

"I'll fill you in later" was all she said as we moved on to the next aisle of bed wear.

* * *

_**I'm not **__**to pleased with this chapter, I wrote the principle part on Sunday and then Monday was birthday (16**__**th**__**) and my muse took a holiday. I'm really not one hundred percent sold on it and I am going to paraphrase for you because I doubt that in small slab of dialogue that everyone picked up what happened.**_

_**Basically the villain of the story, Kelly (remember him) has been shot by Brewer (Stockholm syndrome girl's father, remember him? Ch) and the detectives have informed Derek who has informed Meredith who started to rambling rant in the middle of a bed linen store. Why I choose I bed linen store I have no idea.**_

_**So now it is a possibility that Maddie's kidnapper could be dead which means there will be no need for a trail and no need for the pesky detectives, if only it was that easy.**_

_**We only have roughly 3 more chapters of 'How to be Dead' and only two weeks to finish it, so please tell me what you think I love criticism and I love praise, even if you just want to say boo please review.**_

_**Just a little shout out to Kerry (emmagg) who is not a Grey's Anatomy fan (I think we can convert her though, joking) but has managed to discover this story. Your review made me laugh and I'm glad you enjoy this even though you properly have no idea about the characters or past storylines, it's great to have you on board!**_

_**One random tidbit… it's raining! Sorry it's just we've been drought stricken for how many years ( 7, I think) so it's always thrilling and very random to wake up to the sound of rain, it's actually only like the 3**__**rd**__** time it's happened in about 6 years so yeah, I love the rain.**_

_**Review! **_


	31. Chapter 31

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Thirty- One_

* * *

"Has anyone seen my pager, its black, has my name on it, tends to beep at the most inappropriate times, ring a bell?" Mum shouted at me and dad through the kitchen door.

Ignoring her, I continued to scratch the dog behind the ears and play with my cereal and dad rolled his eyes and yelled back,

"No, try the table in the foyer, that's where it was yesterday"

This was a daily ritual in the Shepherd household, mum was organised when it came to everyone but herself and all her momentary freak outs always happened during breakfast when her pager would either ring or she'd remember an appointment at the last minute, list went on.

"That's nice Derek, real smart". Dad rolled his eyes again and poured himself another cup of coffee.

"Do you want anymore juice?" Dad asked me as the sound of mum's heels on the foyer tiles echoed throughout the kitchen.

I shook me head and took a bite out of my toast dad had made earlier.

That was another thing I had leant, dad does majority of the cooking and not because mum can't cook, it's more like she doesn't like to cook. Every morning dad was up first and by the time you had dressed and made it down stairs he was done cooking something, once he even cooked trout for breakfast. The first thing that was done however, needless of who was cooking, was the coffee. My parents had at least two cups before they went to work which was crazy because the stuff was yuck.

"Ok found it, wait…" mum said, walking into the kitchen and freezing mid step to read her pager.

"What is it?" Dad questioned, looking up from the paper

"Apparently the emergency that I was needed for 5 hours before my shift started is no longer an emergency"

"Isn't that a good thing?" he asked, taking in her annoyed expression

"Yes, expect for the fact that it's 6.30am and I'm showered, dressed and ready to go. It's not humane. At least I'll get to see my baby off on her first of school, excited?" she asked me, pulling a lock of hair behind my ear gently as I shrugged in response and mum wrinkled her nose at me.

"Don't worry, by the end of the week you'll love it" she replied pouring herself a cup of coffee and nursing it in her hands as she stole a section of the newspaper from dad, who knew it was coming.

"What time do we have to leave?" he asked, looking at mum who had just stolen a piece of his toast.

"40 minutes" she replied with her mouthful and head buried in the Metro section.

"Is your bag packed? Do I need to do lunch or recess or anything else?" she asked me

I nodded my head and dad muttered 'relax'.

The doorbell rang and dad sighed loudly as he stood up to answer it, mum just looked confused as she poured her second cup of coffee.

"Meredith, can you come out here for a second?" dad's voice rang throughout the house and mum, looking curious and confused left the kitchen without a word, closing the door behind her, leaving me alone.

Muffled voice of the detectives filtered through the timber doors and I instantly got off my chair and pressed my ear against it, desperate to know what was going on.

"Kelly died last night at Mercy West halfway through his operation to repair his lung. There will be a autopsy of course and Mr Brewster is being charged with his murder as expected, though the fact that he did indeed murder the man who kidnapped his daughter I doubt the jury will be harsh on him"

"What happens now with the trail?" asked Dad and someone shifted uncomfortably on the leather couch.

"It has been cancelled but it has gone down on record that Kelly was the main suspect in four accounts of kidnapping and two accounts of murder, it was amazing that Brewer even got to Kelly"

"That's it, there's nothing else you can do?" Mum's voice was strained and as I pulled apart the door slightly I could see her hands in dad's hands and the detectives back.

"No there isn't. We have got information about Kelly, that wont act as any type of closure for you but it interesting. Two years prior to Kelly's first kidnapping, he lost his daughter. Her cause of death was originally thought to be natural disorder but along with your daughter's case we also opened up her case and it's possible that it wasn't due to natural cause. I can't say much more but it is evident that the motive behind his kidnapping is strung from losing his daughter and we have collect no evident to show that was did sexual abuse any of the girls. Physical abuse can't be ruled out but sexual abuse has been".

"That is no excuse", dad's voice was angry and mum had her head in her hands and the detectives looked uncomfortable. Feeling intrusive, I closed the door but still kept my ear glued to the door, needing to hear something more.

"No, it isn't but some people take comfort in knowing why, He was mentally ill, we know that now".

I pulled back from the door, all of a sudden not wanting to know anything else. They were talking about him and I didn't want them to talk about him, He was dead, that was it, he couldn't hurt anyone else any longer, that is all we needed to know.

I picked up my bag from the corner of the kitchen and opened the door, shocking both my parents and the detectives, even the dog looked up from his place on the floor.

"Oh, I need to get you to school now. Say goodbye and we'll go" mum said, standing up and removing the depressed look on her face. She was now half smiling and fussing over her handbag.

Gently I kissed dad on the cheek, looked at the detectives and walked out with mum.

"Got everything?" she asked as I opened the car door and dumped my bag on the floor.

I simply nodded yes and she drove out of the driveway, I was going to school.

-

"Class, I would like you to meet our new student, Maddie Shepherd. This is her first school and I would like you all to make her comfortable and welcomed into our class. Everyone say hello to Maddie" Miss Hunter called out to the class with both of her hands on my shoulders and a big joyful smile on her face. It was too easy to know what my mum thought of her when they meet moments before mum left, her face looked sore from the cheesy grin she had permanently planted on her face.

"Hello Maddie" they all chorused slowly, a few too busy to stop drawing and a few were staring out the window but the rest were definitely looking at me, not only looking but staring at me.

"Maddie, you can have that seat next to Tyler, Tyler would you like to be Maddie's buddy today and show her around the school during recess and lunch?'

Tyler watched me as I sat down at the desk and her eyes didn't leave me until she said 'yes' and went back to her work.

"Ok class, lets finish up and start our Math's work" Miss Hunter's voice exclaimed, setting the other children in motion as they all stood up, put their books away and walked back to their desks with a new book whilst one child walked around handling out calculators and such. It was going to be a long day.

Maths came and went, then English followed but I found myself staring out of the window for the majority of the time that was of course until a bell rang and all the students stood up exclaiming lunch. So I stood up and followed them, watching Miss Hunter as she gave me and encouraging smile and Taylor suddenly appeared at my side, sipping on a apple juice popper as she walked me out to the playground.

"Ok, that's the play equipment obviously, the bathroom's are over there, watch out for the boy's toilets they smell, the cafeteria is inside, some seats are over there, oval's there, library is back inside and the courts are down there, got it?' she told me, pointing her finger in the appropriate directions and then finally looking at me, almost daring me to ask her a question.

I nodded my head quickly.

"Good, you don't talk much do?" she commented, walking off and I quickly got the hint that I was to follow.

She was leading me to a group to other kids who were throwing around a ball and talking at the some time.

"This is Paul" Taylor said, introducing me to a boy who had him arm in a sling and thick glasses on.

"You can sit with him will we play, see you later" Taylor said with a wave before running off with the rest of the group, leaving me with Paul.

"I need to go to the bathroom" he said as soon as I turned to him and he walked off to. So I sat there alone, on the dirty bench, watching everyone play around me, waiting for the bell to ring.

* * *

_**I hated writing that last bit but your first day of school is always the worst, you'll have to tune in to the next chapter to find out if day 2 is any better.**_

_**I would just like to say that this chapter is dedicated to the elderly couple and young family of 5 who were caught in a landslide on the freeway a few days ago and died. Apparently that rain I was boasting about wasn't so good and has actually bumped **__**its way up to a natural disaster. The Central Coast (of New South Wales) currently has no power and wont for a few days now and there are plenty of other people who were injured in the 2 day storm (seriously, 100km winds in Sydney? Not normal) and of course the coal freighter which is stuck on the shore of Newcastle, that's not good anyway. My prayers are out to all of them especially with more bad weather coming (seriously droughts aren't all that great).**_

_**I didn't have any internet connection this weekend due to the storm, we turned everything off because of powerlines being pulled down and trees falling so that's why there was a delay with replying to everyone who reviewed, tomorrow is a public holiday for the Queen's Birthday so if I get lots of reviews Chapter 32 will be up tomorrow, but you all have to review!**_

****


	32. Chapter 32

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me.

* * *

_Chapter __Thirty- Two_

* * *

"Mark, don't you have your own home?" Mum asked my Uncle Mark who was sitting down at our breakfast table, feet resting on another chair, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the paper.

"Nope, Addison was called in early, and you know how I hate to be alone so I thought why don't I spend the morning with my favourite niece" he said, winking at me from across the table, "And my unborn nephew slash god-son, of course".

"It's not a boy and Mark Sloan in the same sentence at Godfather… makes me vomit a bit in my throat"

"Show me the sonogram and we'll see that you're wrong Meri, making you the loser of our bet and me Seattle's latest godfather"

"Morning all" Dad exclaimed, walking in to the kitchen but then stopping upon seeing Uncle Mark

"Something's wrong with this picture" he mused out loud and Uncle Mark laughed.

"You're all just so welcoming, I am seriously drowning in the love" Uncle Mark commented sarcastically and dad laughed, patting Mark on the back, kissing my forehead and then kissing mummy who giggled in return.

"Oh that's just… my innocence is gone now, whatever happened to not in front of the children?"

"What innocence? And I vaguely remember that you and Addison were caught Burke's kids in the towel closet at last years Christmas party"

"Ok, let's not get technical here" Mark replied with a wave of his hand, dismissing the conversation topic.

"Are you okay?" dad asked mum as he watched her wince slightly and Uncle Mark and I turned to see what was wrong.

"Yeah, the baby's just really active" she replied, dismissing his concern and continuing to butter her toast whilst rubbing her swollen stomach.

"Can I feel?" Dad asked her, clearly excited as his eyes dance.

Mum nodded her head, took his hand and placed it to the right side of her stomach and he fell silent as he felt the baby kick.

"I think we're missing out kiddo" Uncle Mark exclaimed, lifting me up from under my air pits and carrying me over to my parents. Mum took my hand like she did with dads and placed it over her stomach. It was a few seconds until I felt the soft kick of the baby against my hand and the feeling made me giggle slightly.

"We should leave now, you've got your appointment with Dr Gardener before school" Mum told me, gently playing with my hair before letting go and cleaning up her mess.

"I can take her if you want" dad offered

"Nah, you have surgery in an hour and besides this wont take long and she'll be a school" Mum replied with a shrug of her shoulders, kissing dad on the cheek and teasing Mark for being a homeless puppy as a goodbye.

"Bye sweetheart, have a good day" Dad told me, kissing me on the forehead as I ran after mum and poked my tongue out at Mark as I did (he returned the gesture quickly).

A blood test and practical exam later mum and I sat waiting in Dr Gardener's stuffy office waiting for the test results. Looking around his office it was a lot like my dad's which I had spent my time exploring once or twice over the past month or so. It lacked personal pictures and had piles and piles of paperwork shoved on the bookcase instead of books. Mum caught me looking at it before and commented that my 'father does the same'.

Finally Gardener walked in with a carefree smile on his face that gave away the results without actually saying anything.

"Well everything appears to be in order. Maddie's kidney is developing along nicely (A/N: last time this was mention a few of you questioned that a kidney can't grow back from scratch. Maddie has only half of her kidney removed, so her kidney would in fact grow back to it's original size over a period of time, this is just tracking it process, wrapping things up per say) and there appears to be no sign of infection or medication side effects. I think you're pretty healthy kid" He finished with a corny grin and I heard mum release a withheld breath.

"Now you will have to come back in a month so that I can continue to observe the progress of your kidney and just to keep an eye on you. It's important that you resist from participating in any strenuous activities. If you were to sustain any trauma to your abdomen, stomach or any other vital organs it could cause your kidney's to shut down and we'd be back to square one" he warned but I wasn't really paying attention and instead focusing on the activity (or lack of activity) going on outside his window.

"You understand that Maddie? No playing rough, you'll get sick again, ok?" Mum's voice pulled me from my daydream and I nodded my head in confirmation, only hearing the last part.

"Well then I believe we are finished here" Dr Gardener announced, handing some papers to mum who was thanking him and organising my next appointment.

The ride to school was silent and it was after recess when I walked into class with a late note and another inviting smile from the teacher.

I took my seat next to someone else besides Taylor and looked out the window, watching the rain cover the playground outside with small droplets of mist. We were doing maths now and I already knew how to do it. Multiplication was easy and these kids who complained that it was the hardest thing ever had no idea what the meaning of hard was. Time passed and the rain outside eventually stopped and the sun broke through the rain clouds around the same time as the lunch bell did.

Quietly I walked out with the rest of my peers, feeling like an outsider amidst all loud talking and laughter that surrounded me. Today I was fully prepared to sit by myself as I had done yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that. But today I was prepared. I knew that half way through lunch on Thursdays that the library was opened to everyone and anyone and that's were I would go. The library.

I took my now familiar place on the seat over looking the oval and watched a small colony of ants file out of their dirt mould when a shadow blocked the suns rays and the ants fluttered around in fright. Looking up I noticed a girl and two boys from my class standing next to me, watching me interested.

"Hi, I'm Jen and that's James and Bill, we were about to play a game of handball and well it's a four person game and we only have three and we saw you over here sitting by yourself and we know that you are new so we were wondering if you wanted to join us?" Jen said in one breath, looking at my excitedly with the two boys sharing the exact same expression on their faces.

I paused from a second, not really sure at what to say. Handball? I had never played that before. Would they still allow me to play if I didn't know how to? Or would they just walk away and never speak to me again? If I played with them did that make us friends?

Apparently my pause was longer than what I thought it was because as I looked up, prepared to give them my answer they were looking at each other, turned away from me, discussing who else they could ask.

"I don't know how to play" I told them clearly, slightly unsure if I was still invited, they had after all turned their backs.

Jen's eyes went wide with surprise and she quickly replied,

"Oh that's ok, well teach you. You're Maddie right?"

"Yeah, that's me"

"ok, so handball is when…" and Jen trailed off in a long detailed description on the rules and technique of playing handball, which at the end of it turned out to be a fairly basic game to learn. All it really entitled with hitting tennis ball between four people, basic.

I got the gist of the game quickly and soon enough the sun was beating down on me harshly and sweat started to form on my forehead but I didn't care because for the first time since starting school I was having fun and making friends, not only that but I was talking, something I had barely done around my parents who were, well my parents.

"Ball!" a boy yelled from somewhere in the playground but I hardly took notice as James belted the tennis ball at my direction and it was out of my arms reach. I ran over, hell bent on hitting the ball back in his direction when something or someone collided into the side of me and before I knew it numbness had taken over my body and everything had faded to black.

* * *

_**So I am supposed to be studying from my Maths semester exam and preparing from my English in class essay but I've just finished the first draft of the final chapter (tear) and am kind of… well that's a lie… extremely impatient to get your response on this. **_

_**I am posting the chapter before I've replied to anyone of your reviews but that's next on my list, so you'll get an alert for this and then a personal reply from me… sounds like fun huh!**_

_**Have you heard about the male they are searching for, for Season Four? Apparently he is Derek's competition. I praying it's professionally and not another love triangle with Meredith because you know that would suck and is totally last season.**_

_**Review, you know you want to!**_


	33. Chapter 33

**How to be Dead**

**Summary:** MerDer. 3 years after they finally reunite, their scars are nearly healed when a new turn of events re-open those, causing damage to more than just their relationship. And you thought things were bad in the beginning…

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters and storylines. They all belong to Shonda Rimes, whose ground I worship. Any characters and this storyline all belong to me. Lyrics used are from 'Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of' by U2.

_**EPILOGUE**_

* * *

_Chapter __Thirty- Three _

* * *

_**6 Years Ago…**_

**Derek pulled up into the driveway aching all over, four hours stuck at a police station being insulted, ****questioned and even accused for his four year old daughter's disappearance had worn him to the bone. He hadn't even spoken to his wife, only seen a glance of her though on of the office windows and she had had tears streaming down her face, nursing a cup of coffee in her hands staring out of the window while someone tried to interview her. The police said that Maddie had disappeared from the backyard while Meredith wasn't watching, Meredith always watched.**

_**I'm not afraid of anything in this world**_

**All the house lights were off and Meredith's car was parked in the garage so he knew that she was home. She couldn't be ****asleep; Meredith didn't talk when things got rough let along sleep.**

**Derek turned the car ignition off but refrained from stepping out of the car, the temptation to go to Joes or drink Mark's stash of alcohol was so strong, the flaw in that plan would be Addison kicking him out of the house and yelling at him to go home to Meredith and also explaining what had happened.**

_**There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard**_

**What had ****happened?**

_**I'm just trying to find a decent melody**_

**He didn't even know what had happened. One minute he was in surgery, the next minute the Chief was telling him that the police needed to speak to him and that Meredith hadn't arrive for her shift yet.**

_**A song that I can sing in my own company**_

**He guessed he could always ask his wife what had happened, but that could backfire, after all Meredith doesn't talk, not in that context anyway.**

**Derek knew what he had to do but as he walked into his home he was still unsure at what he would find. The only light he could see was coming from upstairs and it looked strange and foreign against the harsh dark of the shadows. The only thing he could hear was a slow trickle of water and for a fleeting second Derek flashed back to the morning of the ferry boat crash when he had discovered Meredith in the bath tub, please… no.**

_**I never thought you were a fool**_

_**But darling, look at you**_

**Opening the bathroom door Derek found his wife sitting underneath the showerhead, water pouring down on her, soaking her jeans and shirt, giving her a sickly look with her skin whiter than snow.**

_**You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight**_

_**These tears are going nowhere**_

**And in that second, it was all too hard.**

_Present __– A few months later…_

The sterile white walls stared back at me and I had to look out of the window before I went insane. How many years had I worked as a doctor? Not to mention the years I spent waiting for my mother as a child, and yet the only times the whiteness of hospital walls intimidated me or drove me crazy was when I was patient, confound to my bed and hidden away from the rest of the world. I was crazy, but that could just be a reflection on my life. If someone had told me this time last year that I would be here I would have laughed in their face and then slapped them for being thoughtless.

It would be a lie to say that the last couple of months hadn't of been one of the hardest in my life, and I've gone through some awful things. They had been worse than the months after my father left, the months when my mother and I were fighting, the lonely months of my mother's illness, the months when Derek had chosen Addison over me, the months after my mother and Susan's death and the months I had spent in Boston hiding away. The only months that could compete with these last few months were the months after Maddie had first disappeared, the months were Derek and I fell apart, the months when I had slowly lost myself once again. But unlike those months, the last couple of months were all working up towards something, a new goal, a new dream and a new life.

Maddie had spent another month in hospital after she had collapsed at school. The scariest moment of my life was easily when I saw the paramedics bring her into the ER and the doctors had attacked her lifeless body with all the medical power they had. I'm no a person who believes in fate and it's more of my husbands characters to peg something down to it, but as I sat in the patient's room, waiting for a sign that my baby girl was still alive I knew fate had brought me here. Fate had made me strong enough to overcome many hurdles, and this was simple another hurdle. Somehow I knew that in the end that I'd be ok, that Maddie would be ok and that Derek and I would be ok.

Rain started to form and a smile grew on my lips, content that at least one aspect of my life wouldn't change. I loved the rain, which was strange because I cursed it every morning for giving me a cold or messing my hair the one time it was presentable. I don't know what it is about rain but it puts me in a good mood, suddenly the world doesn't seem so bright and shiny, especially when you're not bright and shiny, everyone around you becomes normal and there's nothing more forgiving and refreshing than rain.

"Looks who's awake" came a voice from the doorway and a bubbly nurse walked over to my bed, a bundle of blue blankets laid in her arms, his tiny eyes trying to grasp the new world as they darted from one object to another only to finally settle on me.

"Hey baby" I greeted him in my baby voice, unable to control the massive smile on my face as I held him in my arms for the first time since he's birth.

"I'll leave you two alone" the nurse said and I didn't wince once at the perkiness of her voice, I was too light and happy to care.

The nurse left the room with a snap but I hardly noticed as my son grabbed my thumb and held on to it for dear life.

"You know after all these years of pain, tequila shots, feeling like the loneliest person in the world and even more tequila shots, I would do it all again just for this one moment, I'd do it all again in a blink of an eye for you" I whispered to him, tears leaking out of my eyes. The baby responded with a gurgle and a small smile which was most likely gas but I didn't care.

The door suddenly opened and laughter and noise filled the room. Maddie ran into the room and slammed on to the bed while babbling at the top of her voice.

"Princess what did I say, quiet, mummy's tired" Derek told Maddie, walking into the room behind her and putting his hands on her shoulders, instantly silencing her.

"How are you feeling?" he asked me, a full on McDreamy smile brightening his face and I smiled back and jiggled my finger up and down as the baby gripped tighter,

"He's got a firm grip"

"Just like his mum" Derek replied, watching his son was big eyes.

"Can I hold him, please mummy, can I hold him?" Maddie asked jumping on the spot.

"I think daddy should get the first hug" I said, watching Derek's face glow and tears fill his already blue eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" I echoed handling the precious buddle over to my husband and pulling my daughter into my arms, taking in the scent of her hair.

"He's got my father's eyes, he looks like my dad" Derek exclaimed, unable to take he's eyes off the baby.

"The Shepherd genes have once again dominated, the poor guy will properly end up with my snoring as the only thing he can relate back to his mother"

"Nah, he's got your button nose and cheeks; hopefully you're brain as well" Derek reply and Maddie continue to jump up and down on my lap.

"Carefully sweetheart, mummy's sore"

This caught Derek's attention, who then instantly distracted their eldest child by guaranteeing her a hold of the baby _if _she stopped hurting mummy.

Maddie instantly became still and Derek carefully moved closer to the bed and placed the baby in Maddie's arms. She remained silent, too focused on watching the baby sleep.

"So where is this god son of mine?" came a loud voice and I looked up to see Mark and Cristina leading the wave of family entering my hospital room, minus the children.

"Excuse me?" I asked Mark

"You gave birth to a healthy 7 and a half ounce baby boy, according to the law of bets I am now the official god father of your new born baby… boy" he replied with a huge smile on his face as he saw the baby and embraced Derek.

"Mark" Derek responded calmly

"Yeah?"

"Would you like to be my son's god father?"

"Well, gee Derek I don't know… of course I can" the room broke out with laughter.

"Why are there so many people in here?" the nurse was back.

"You can all come back tomorrow in smaller groups but for now it's just intermediate family" grumbles followed and as slowly everyone minus Mark, Maddie and Derek left the room.

"Man he looks like your dad" Mark commented, picking up the baby from Maddie's arms and gently swaying him in his arms.

"He does doesn't he"

"Has my man got a name yet?"

Derek and I looked at each other and I smiled at him gently as he sent me 'our look'.

"Joshua. Joshua Andrew Shepherd" Derek replied with a smile.

"Mummy can we go home now?" Maddie asked from my lap.

"You little miss are coming home with me and Aunt Addie, while your folks stay with Josh" Mark exclaimed excitedly, handing Joshua back to me and picking Maddie up in return.

"I want to stay with mummy though" she pouted back and I had to laugh at the face Mark gave her in return.

"How are we going to go shopping for a toy for Josh and eat ice cream and marshmallows in the hospital?"

"Ok, I'll come with you, only if we watch a movie with Aunt Addie"

"Ok then, it's a deal" Mark told Maddie seriously, high five-ing her and then winking at us.

"Bye mum, bye dad, bye Josh" she waved before they walked out of the room, Maddie's voice trailing throughout the hall as she told Mark what movie they were going to watch.

"How's my little guy" Derek asked, sliding into the bed next to me and looking down at the sleeping baby in my arms.

"Perfect" I responded, tears once again filled my eyes.

"And mummy?" he asked, kissing my cheek and pulling my closer to him.

"Happy, tired though" I told him, closing my eyes and snuggling my head into his warm chest.

"I'll let you sleep then"

"No stay, I want you to stay" I told him, eyes wide, begging him.

"Ok then, since you asked" he replied with a grin and the three of us curled up together, our breathing soon synching in time with each others.

_**Alternate Universe**__**: 6 Years Ago…**_

**Derek pulled up into the driveway aching all over, four hours stuck at a police station being insulted, questioned and even accused over his four year old daughter's disappearance. He hadn't even spoken to his wife, only seen a glance of her though on of the office windows and she had tears streaming down her face, nursing a cup of coffee in her hands staring out of the window while someone tried to interview her. The police said that Maddie had disappeared from the backyard while Meredith wasn't watching, Meredith always watched.**

_**You've got to get yourself together**_

_**You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it**_

**All the house lights were off and Meredith's car was parked in the garage so he knew that she was home. She couldn't be asleep; Meredith didn't talk when things got rough let along sleep.**

**Derek turned the car ignition off but refrained from stepping out of the car, the temptation to go to Joes or drink Mark's stash of alcohol was so strong, the flaw in that plan would be Addison kicking him out of the house and yelling at him to go home to Meredith and also explaining what had happened.**

_**Oh love look at you now**_

**What had happened?**

_**You'**__**ve got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it**_

**He didn't even know what had happened. One minute he was in surgery, the next minute the Chief was telling him that the police needed to speak to him and that Meredith hadn't arrive for her shift yet.**

**He guessed he could always ask his wife what had happened, but that could backfire, after all Meredith doesn't talk, not in that context anyway.**

**Derek knew what he had to do but as he walked into his home he was still unsure at what he would find. The only light he could see was coming from upstairs and it looked strange and foreign against the harsh dark of the shadows. The only thing he could hear was a slow trickle of water and for a fleeting second Derek flashed back to the morning of the ferry boat crash when he had discovered Meredith in the bath tub, please… no.**

_**And if the night runs over**_

**Opening the bathroom door Derek found his wife sitting underneath the showerhead, water pouring down on her, soaking her jeans and shirt, giving her a sickly look with her skin whiter than snow.**

_**And if the day won't last**_

**And in that second, it was all ****too hard but something pulled him back and Derek stood there for a few more minutes, watching the love of his life struggle to keep it together. Finally Derek couldn't watch longer.**

_**And if your way should falter**__**, along the stony pass**_

**He took his**** jacket off, dropped it on the tiled floor and sat down onthe shower floor, letting the cool water dribble down his face and soak his clothes. Derek shuffled closer to Meredith whose skin was frozen and laid his arm around her, bring her closer in to him, relieved when she limply dropped against him and collapsed into the embrace.**

_**It's just a moment**_

"**I don't know what to do" she spoke after a while, pulling her chin up and resting it against his stomach. **

"**I'm just… numb"**

"**Me too" he agreed bitterly, resting his hand against the tiled wall, watching the water collide with his skin. **

"**Are you cold?" Derek asked Meredith, who nodded numbly in return.**

**Reaching up Derek turned the dial over to the warm water and dropped his arm back to his side. And they both sat there, letting the warm water wash away their troubles and darkness settled in the pit of their stomachs with loss. But there was a small patch of hope that they both were hanging on to.**

_**This time will pass**_

_**FIN.**_

* * *

_**I would like to thank every single one of you for reading this story. The response it has gotten has been overwhelming and very surprising, to everyone who reviewed, I love you all, to everyone who added this story to their favourites list I'm thrilled that you have taken to this story with such enthusiasm and love and of course to everyone who added **_**me**_** to their favourite authors list… wow, I don't think there's a bigger compliment than that on this site, so thankyou so much, I'm truly honoured. I'm not going to list you all because I may miss someone but there are no words to describe how thankful I am to you all, you have made this story, it's all because of you that it's made it to 32 chapters when it was made for 10. **___

**_I never thought I could turn a small story that didn't feature Maddie returning or another baby or anything like that into a story that lasted 33 chapters and generated over 450 (roughly) reviews… that it's mind blowing! _**

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**_I hope you all enjoyed that ride! _**

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**_In three weeks (when I return from my holiday :squeal: )I will post my new story. The details are as follows: _**

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**_'Moving In Shadows' _**

**_Season Two story. Instead of being sent home for breaking her eighty hour work limit, Meredith is called in for jury duty, and doesn't return. Five years later Meredith is tired of hiding… Pre 'Begin the Begin'. MerDer. _**

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**_Some of you expressed an interest in a sequel to 'How to be Dead', well I have an idea and it again deals with a massive issue, an issue that is, if possible, I think more confronting than child kidnapping. So I am writing it on the side, to see if I can write the story in a similar way to 'How to be Dead', that still makes it entertaining and still captivating. I'm sure it's a subject that could have and may have touched everyone lives at some point, and it will be based on a true story, so keep a watch out for it. I you read 'Moving In Shadows' _**


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